I shouldn't be staying for too long, I hope I can leave tomorrow. It is ridiculous becuz I am an adult, in fact for a few years now and both my parents are extremelyyy dysfunctional, in different, but very extreme ways. My mum is very very controlling, and doesn't really want me to go, plus due to her insane emotional attachment to me and taking everything personally, she literally has a breakdown or something if I wanna go early or just do something a little different than the rest of the family. It is toxic and unbearable. My father is simply silent and utterly detached from his emotions. Last week when it was xmas, and I was with them, and wanted to leave a day earlier, it triggered a literal catastrophe. It was like the worst xmas ever perhaps. And I cant sleep well when I am here. I hate the house, and area too. It is pure depression and a bit cut off from the next big town. I hope a lot I can leave tomorrow. These "festive" days were the hardest of the year and set my mental health back a lot. I am working my entire life to distance myself from my family in a way that wont trigger catastrophe, but it is really hard and I financially depend on them, and emotionally it is really complicated....
I try to ignore all the normal, healthy happy adults having an enjoyable, free NYE etc. , but it is especially on these kind of "festive" days, that personal crises and difficult circumstances are particularly highlighted, and it is like a painful reminder of all my trauma too, it all resurfaces during these days.
sorry for all the personal venting but I literally get into crisis mode when I am here. I am literally waiting for time to pass.
