Modern Marriage

[Haich]

The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands
by Laura C. Schlessinger

Hmm this book should be renamed, The proper care and appreciation of Wives

 

[DesertRose]

Hmm this book should be renamed, The proper care and appreciation of Wives

Agreed, they should sell different books in different regions.

 

[Etagloc]

Never been married.... but here I am in a marriage thread..... strange world.

Of course being a woman I have no idea what men experience these days except via observation and thankyou for making allowances for that.

It sounds like you have had some fine examples of strong men to follow (did you have a good relationship with your father?) and you have a good family support that so many men (and women - but I will focus on men with rest of this entry). That is something western nations' breakdown in family structure are already paying the price for - fewer male role models means more struggles with personal male identity and later their roles as father.

[Side note - probably good topic elsewhere : I am only going on what I see on TV so Americans help me here - isn't single mother households more common amongst African American? If so, is that why the exaggerated swaggering masculinity gangster-style with simultaneously Mama-boy traits so common (keeping up with alpha male of peer group not mature male role models)? I hope they are stereotypes and not the norm?!!!!]

What you are saying is probably a factor why my ISTJ husband and now my older ESTP son have no trouble with gaining leadership roles. They have a quiet self-confidence and people respect that. Most men these days do not have that confidence. My other INFP son just has my family's sensitive nature and he will have to learn to reconcile that with his feeling inadequate compared to his father because he just doesn't think/ feel the same way to Dad (we actually had a talk about that last week). For him to act all ultra-masculine would be completely fake and untrue to himself. He is showing a lot of potential in in the THINKING area however - standing up to the feminist teachers and explaining why they are wrong does show some courage deep down (he says all they can do is use guilt trips in return). We discuss people and society a lot and he appreciates that I am willing to bounce ideas off him etc.

Deep down I think women want a man with self-belief and willing to defend what he believes in and those he cares about, despite extreme feminism wanting to (mentally) castrate boys from the very beginning. I wouldn't be surprised if that is another factor in young men questioning their sexual identity; I can imagine sensitive young boys when they are most impressionable getting confused with all the alternative sexuality + feminism propaganda expected to be present in school curriculum.

The backlash against male over-dominance has gone to the other unhealthy extreme of men having to deny their natural (healthy) dominance traits. I like having a strong and secure in himself husband. I bet most women deep down want the same.

Me.... I grew up in broken family like many others. I haven't seen my dad since I was a teenager. I'm not a product of a together family. A lot of this stuff I talk about, I had to learn on my own.

As far as African-Americans..... where I live is mostly African-American. I have some theories but I don't want to say them here. Besides, I know a lot of people from that background but I think I'll always be on the outside looking in when it comes that culture.

As far as what you describe about what you believe women want in men- I agree, I think it's clearly so. I think women naturally like strong and confident men. It's just nature. It's a good thing.

 

[VigCizMember]

I've heard it said "love is a choice, not an emotion." I know, not very romantic...but I tend to agree with it. I'm married, and at times, it is work. The romantic feelings are generally there in the beginning (you know, the "Honeymoon phase" as they say), but sometimes those feelings start to come and go over the years...sometimes you go through a phase where your partner might be driving you batty, or the hum-drum of day to day starts to wear you down...but it's at those moments you recall your vow, and you realize that you made a commitment - to love your partner - to respect them and to treat them as kindly and as well as you would a coworker or a friend - to not take them for granted because that is especially easy to do.

And then, as sure as the sun rises every morning, with a little time, and a little patience, you find that the romance begins to trickle back in, and you begin to see your other-half with new eyes, and to appreciate them in a way you never did before...and each day together, you learn more about yourselves...and you grow a little stronger, and you become a little wiser...and together you may find you're stronger as a unit than you could have ever imagined when you were alone, and you love them a little more than you ever could have imagined before.

 

[polymoog]

https://www.henrymakow.com/251001.html

great article, but some excerpts (boldface emphasis by makow himself):


Men give their power to a woman in hopes of getting love, sex and beauty. For a while she is flattered, but ultimately she cannot respect a man she can control. Women trade power for love. When men do it, they become women. A woman wants to be drafted not petitioned. She wants a man to have a wholesome vision of his life, in which she has an essential place. This vision need not be elaborate or complicated. It could involve a life focused on mutual values and interests, like children, music, health food, church, sports, dogs or the outdoors.

• There is a book entitled: Why do I Think I am Nothing Without a Man (1982) The author, Dr. Penelope Russianoff, tries to help women overcome this feeling. The truth is, this feeling is grounded in reality. Self-fulfillment for a woman is when the "self" is her husband and children. Women self-sacrifice and serve; in return, they are deservedly cherished. If the "self" is her personal satisfaction and career, she is already full and filled. Her husband and children are secondary.
• Most women really crave their husband's intense and exclusive love. In her book, The Psychology of Women, (1944) psychiatrist Helene Deutsche said woman are masochistic-narcissistic by nature. They sacrifice (masochism) in exchange for love (narcissism.) She is his queen. He is her Knight in Shining Armour. It's Power for Love. If he does not reward her sacrifice with love, the contract is null and void.

 

[JoChris]

Never been married.... but here I am in a marriage thread..... strange world.



Me.... I grew up in broken family like many others. I haven't seen my dad since I was a teenager. I'm not a product of a together family. A lot of this stuff I talk about, I had to learn on my own.

As far as African-Americans..... where I live is mostly African-American. I have some theories but I don't want to say them here. Besides, I know a lot of people from that background but I think I'll always be on the outside looking in when it comes that culture.

As far as what you describe about what you believe women want in men- I agree, I think it's clearly so. I think women naturally like strong and confident men. It's just nature. It's a good thing.

Nothing wrong a single person with having an opinion! That would be tough not having your Dad about in your teenage years especially.

It sounds like you had a lot of personal strength already to become stronger in yourself plus you have the ability to think for yourself. A lot of people are either unwilling or unable to do that.

How do you think your upbringing and your traditional viewpoint on manhood is a factor in the development of your approach to women, courting, marriage etc?

 

[JoChris]

https://www.henrymakow.com/251001.html

great article, but some excerpts (boldface emphasis by makow himself):


Men give their power to a woman in hopes of getting love, sex and beauty. For a while she is flattered, but ultimately she cannot respect a man she can control. Women trade power for love. When men do it, they become women. A woman wants to be drafted not petitioned. She wants a man to have a wholesome vision of his life, in which she has an essential place. This vision need not be elaborate or complicated. It could involve a life focused on mutual values and interests, like children, music, health food, church, sports, dogs or the outdoors.

• There is a book entitled: Why do I Think I am Nothing Without a Man (1982) The author, Dr. Penelope Russianoff, tries to help women overcome this feeling. The truth is, this feeling is grounded in reality. Self-fulfillment for a woman is when the "self" is her husband and children. Women self-sacrifice and serve; in return, they are deservedly cherished. If the "self" is her personal satisfaction and career, she is already full and filled. Her husband and children are secondary.
• Most women really crave their husband's intense and exclusive love. In her book, The Psychology of Women, (1944) psychiatrist Helene Deutsche said woman are masochistic-narcissistic by nature. They sacrifice (masochism) in exchange for love (narcissism.) She is his queen. He is her Knight in Shining Armour. It's Power for Love. If he does not reward her sacrifice with love, the contract is null and void.

I agree with that quote. Bad boys are chased by many women for a reason. A man who will do/be anything for you with no strings attached comes across as a weak man.

 

[Etagloc]

Nothing wrong a single person with having an opinion! That would be tough not having your Dad about in your teenage years especially.

It sounds like you had a lot of personal strength already to become stronger in yourself plus you have the ability to think for yourself. A lot of people are either unwilling or unable to do that.

How do you think your upbringing and your traditional viewpoint on manhood is a factor in the development of your approach to women, courting, marriage etc?

I think that's an interesting question- but I don't think I'll answer it. I'm not necessarily going to talk about intimate stuff which is private.

Insha'Allah, I'll answer this: how should a man deal with the opposite sex?

I want to talk about lowering your gaze. Lowering your gaze preserves your purity.

Don't be a "dog". Women are not pieces of meat. Do not stare. Don't look at pornography. Wait until marriage. Don't practice the secret habit.

I want to talk about what you should do if you are feeling lust and you are not married.

If you feel lust and you are not married- practice fasting. Fasting is a shield. Fasting will better protect you against temptation.

Do not touch women. Do not shake hands with women.

Don't drink. Drinking causes people to sin.

If you are married, be aware of your spouse's rights, be dutiful and make sure you honor their rights. Husbands and wives don't have the same rights. The wife has a longer list of rights.

Further, a mother has more right when it comes to the children than does the father. In math terms, she has three times as much.

Children have rights also. Parents are responsible for their children.

Children have the right to be given honorable names.

They should be taught good moral behavior and protected against bad habits such as lying, cheating, deception and selfishness.

If you have any questions about how men should deal with the opposite sex, please feel free to ask me. The first thing I want to emphasize to men is- lower your gaze.

I cannot emphasize that strongly enough.

I know how it is. You're leaving the masjid, everything is fine, you're relaxed, and suddenly- Erykah Badu walks by. Or Selena Gomez. Or Kim Kardashian. Or Miley Cyrus. Or just the pretty girl from down the street. Whoever.

My point is- do not stare. Lower your gaze.

 

[JoChris]

I think that's an interesting question- but I don't think I'll answer it. I'm not necessarily going to talk about intimate stuff which is private.

Insha'Allah, I'll answer this: how should a man deal with the opposite sex?

I want to talk about lowering your gaze. Lowering your gaze preserves your purity.

Don't be a "dog". Women are not pieces of meat. Do not stare. Don't look at pornography. Wait until marriage. Don't practice the secret habit.

I want to talk about what you should do if you are feeling lust and you are not married.

If you feel lust and you are not married- practice fasting. Fasting is a shield. Fasting will better protect you against temptation.

Do not touch women. Do not shake hands with women.

Don't drink. Drinking causes people to sin.

If you are married, be aware of your spouse's rights, be dutiful and make sure you honor their rights. Husbands and wives don't have the same rights. The wife has a longer list of rights.

Further, a mother has more right when it comes to the children than does the father. In math terms, she has three times as much.

Children have rights also. Parents are responsible for their children.

Children have the right to be given honorable names.

They should be taught good moral behavior and protected against bad habits such as lying, cheating, deception and selfishness.

If you have any questions about how men should deal with the opposite sex, please feel free to ask me. The first thing I want to emphasize to men is- lower your gaze.

I cannot emphasize that strongly enough.

I know how it is. You're leaving the masjid, everything is fine, you're relaxed, and suddenly- Erykah Badu walks by. Or Selena Gomez. Or Kim Kardashian. Or Miley Cyrus. Or just the pretty girl from down the street. Whoever.

My point is- do not stare. Lower your gaze.

I was referring to the marriage relationship itself in broad terms. (There is way more to marriage than the bedroom.)

How do you think your upbringing will affect your ability/ likelihood to find a wife (only when you are ready of course) given that modern society's values are probably at complete odds with Islam?

I expect even Muslim women have been affected to some extent by western culture's values, whether good or bad. I know Christians certainly are.

 

[Etagloc]

I was referring to the marriage relationship itself in broad terms. (There is way more to marriage than the bedroom.)

How do you think your upbringing will affect your ability/ likelihood to find a wife (only when you are ready of course) given that modern society's values are probably at complete odds with Islam?

I expect even Muslim women have been affected to some extent by western culture's values, whether good or bad. I know Christians certainly are.

I said nothing about the bedroom. I mean stuff like that. That is my personal business. I'm not interested in talking about my personal business. My business isn't everyone else's business and you don't need to pry. I ask that you respect my boundaries and my privacy. I'm not here to talk about that. I'm not asking you intimate details about your personal life.

 

[JoChris]

I said nothing about the bedroom. I mean stuff like that. That is my personal business. I'm not interested in talking about my personal business. My business isn't everyone else's business and you don't need to pry. I ask that you respect my boundaries and my privacy. I'm not here to talk about that. I'm not asking you intimate details about your personal life.

OK. I think cultural differences are showing here. Peace. *over and out*

 

[DesertRose]

How do you think your upbringing will affect your ability/ likelihood to find a wife (only when you are ready of course) given that modern society's values are probably at complete odds with Islam?

Good question but it would have been better if made impersonal.....

Given that Muslim women like their Christian counterparts have been affected by western culture how would one find a lady or guy who would adhere to Islamic ideals regarding family life...?

Like other faith groups we find families that take the good from their western culture and leave off the immoral or damaging aspects.
The young man or woman who are western Muslims tend to find each other through Islamic youth groups/conferences/mosques.....
Best to see how their families are run as well.

 

[Kung Fu]

If you're a strong and confident Muslim man you better marry a practicing Muslim woman for your sake and your future kids sake.

 

[Etagloc]

If you're a strong and confident Muslim man you better marry a practicing Muslim woman for your sake and your future kids sake.

Exactly. I'm not planning to compromise when it comes to who I want to be the mother of my children. Whoever tries to push me to compromise- doesn't have my interests (or any future kids' interests) at heart. I want the best I can get and I can be very forceful when it comes to getting what I want. People try to promote giving in and defeatism- and if they want to take that approach to life, they're free to- but I know the cards in my hand and I don't plan on folding.

 

[Karlysymon]

I guess future of any society hinges on the sexualisation of its minors.

 

[DesertRose]

I guess future of any society hinges on the sexualisation of its minors.

Hey Karly good video I saw it way back but am checking it out again.
Basically that means for a successful pair bonding you have to be in your early 20s with one partner.
I think I have posted this video before elsewhere. Our societies need authentic discussions regarding these issues.

 

[Karlysymon]

Hey Karly good video I saw it way back but am checking it out again.
Basically that means for a successful pair bonding you have to be in your early 20s with one partner.
I think I have posted this video before elsewhere. Our societies need authentic discussions regarding these issues.

I enjoyed his presentation and explained well the ultimate results of the sexualisation of children that so plagues the media today. The more pressure there is to be sexually active early on, the more abortions there'll be, divorce, et al. I also got to understand the other side of the molestation epidemic (predisposing one to being sexually active much younger).

 

[Orwell's mentor]

Hey @DesertRose,

After watching the Lauryn Hill snippet you posted, I came across this and thought it was in line with some of what she said.

Just thought I'd share :

 

[DesertRose]

After watching the Lauryn Hill snippet you posted, I came across this and thought it was in line with some of what she said.

Just thought I'd share :

Wow I love that thanks!

“Sometimes you search so hard for words. You look for a way to interpret the language of this heart and the unspoken bond you feel. But in the end you are left with nothing but silence. And deep down you hope it’s understood.”
― Yasmin Mogahed

 

[Dalit]

Hey Karly good video I saw it way back but am checking it out again.
Basically that means for a successful pair bonding you have to be in your early 20s with one partner.
I think I have posted this video before elsewhere. Our societies need authentic discussions regarding these issues.

Really sad, but true.

And online dating sucks.