I'm back on my once in a blue moon visits. I know made a hateful comment that hurt a lot of people. I wanted to apologize right after but I don't even know why I acted like that. I apologise to everyone. I know no excuse is valid and even if y'all don't forgive me, I understand. I was very disturbed for a lot of reasons and even after detaching myself from this thread, things are not going the way I want them to. I haven't gotten time to look upon BTS due to my exams but something happened and I think this is the only place where I'll sound a bit less crazy.
So, just before 25th at like 11 p.m. of 24th Dec, I went through a strange thing. I was lying on my bed and trying to sleep but suddenly, out of nowhere I had a very negative feeling. I was panicking and I didn't even know why. I couldn't think about anything but I was scared af. And during those strange 2 to 3 mins, BTZ especially Tea was swirling in my mind and I couldn't even understand why or couldn't think abt any reason. Idk how to describe it. I just panicked and had a feeling something bad is going on. And then, after a lot of efforts, I fell asleep but then I had a nightmare. It was nothing related to BTz but it was very scary and I woke up crying. I couldn't go back to sleep and I was just staring at the ceiling and crying like a kid even though the nightmare was over. I couldn't help it. I haven't thought abt BTz for days but during the entire time, I had a strange feeling abt BTz out of nowhere.
Sorry for this ranting but I'm very disturbed these days and I can't look at them without feeling panicked or bad anymore.
If you have read some of my earlier posts, I said I have a spiritual background and not the religious type. I don't care if you laugh or don't believe but my ancestors were high ranking spiritual healers and sometimes dark stuff. I'm connected to these things more than I want. I panicked on this thread coz my suspicions were coming true and I bolted and wrote whatever came to my mind just to subside my own fears.
My grandma used to be a popular healer in her time and she frequently tells my mother I have some intuitive powers just like her and it's kinda tire coz I get these feelings and sometimes, they really do come true. There was a time when I had to take medication for anxiety coz I was so afraid every wild imagination of mine could be a sign. I know I sound crazy but I know what I'm talking abt. The thing is I have a very bad feeling something immensely bad is going to take place. Or has already taken place.
I hate to accept my grandma's ideas coz my mom has always kept me away from her. My mom is quite religious and strictly against witchcraft and witchcraft is real. Very real. Growing up in the city, my parents thought they'd distance me but it's all becoming weird now. I once woke up at night out of nowhere and woke up my mom as well. I don't even know why I did that. I was so confused coz I was just doing things on my own. since I was awake, I thought of going to the washroom and there was a freaking snake near the bathroom. Just because I woke up randomly and my mom was already awake, we could get rid of the snake before it entered the rooms any further. And once, I stayed up till 1 reading books just because I felt like it even though I rarely stay awake that long and then, at abt 1, a fire broke out in our neighbour's house. I saw it on time through the window as I was awake and because of me, we were saved.
So these are some of the instances. I've always felt weird and like an outcast and a nutcase but my grandma tries to get closer to me a lot, much to my mom's disapproval. She said when I was born, I was born premature and I almost died with 10% chances of survival. But my grandma says she did some 'things' to save me and even doctors were surprised coz it was almost a miracle. I'm reading books on spiritualism and mind and unconscious self to understand myself better. I hope I'm not too overthinking but I just needed to let it out.
and then i found out this ..
