DesertRose
Superstar
- Joined
- May 20, 2017
- Messages
- 7,803
Why do people have unrealistic expectations about marriage in these times
.....No one can fulfill all those lofty requirements:
interesting read:
Relational Thinking
Why is Modern Love So Damn Hard?
Esther Perel
Last week, I posed a question on Facebook, “Why is Modern Love So Hard?” You responded with amazing reflections, questions, and stories. For today’s article I want to focus on one set of these responses.
I want to speak to those of you who view commitment as a loss of self.
The idea that we lose ourselves in the presence of our partner is deeply ingrained in the modern perception of love, particularly in the United States. As almost all of our communal institutions give way to a heightened sense of individualism, we look more frequently to our partner to provide the emotional and physical resources that a village or community used to provide.
Is it any wonder that, tied up in relying on a partner for compassion, reassurance, sexual excitement, financial partnership, etc. that we end up looking to them for identity or, even worse, for self-worth?
Combine that with the commodification of love, the increasingly omnipresent “is there somebody better?”, and we have a recipe for decreasing the perceived “cost” of love. All the while increasing our expectations on our partnerships, and even adding more to the list, without really understanding what we’re asking.
This year, I’ve made it a point to take notes at any weddings I attend about the marital vow. I think this single speech is so reflective of the way our expanding expectations have gotten out of control. Here I offer you a poignant, if exaggerated, example of how these typically go:
“I promise that I will always be there for you, honest with you, kind, patient and forgiving. For you are my lover and my teacher and I honor the divinity in you,” says the groom, with an uncharacteristic quiver in his voice.
“I promise to be your greatest fan and your toughest adversary, your partner in crime, and your consolation in disappointment,” responds his bride, in almost perfect cadence. With unquestionable sincerity, he continues, “I promise to tell you everything, to have no secrets except those we share.”
“I promise faithfulness, respect, and self-improvement,” she declares. To which, he one-ups her by replying, “I will not only celebrate your triumphs, I will love you all the more for your failures.” Smiling through her tears, she says, “I promise never to wear heels so you won’t feel short. And to comfort you when your football team loses and drink with you when they win.”
Taking a small box of her favorite chocolates from his best man, he says, “I promise to always bring these at that time of the month, and never to ask you if it is that time of the month.” Having promised each other the heavens and the earth, they kiss to rapturous applause.
The All or Nothing Marriage by Eli Finkel. Eli, a psychological scientist, goes into some depth about the research behind modern marriage, focusing in particular on the increasing set of expectations behind marriage and the ideology behind the institution.
.....No one can fulfill all those lofty requirements:
interesting read:
Relational Thinking
Why is Modern Love So Damn Hard?
Esther Perel
Last week, I posed a question on Facebook, “Why is Modern Love So Hard?” You responded with amazing reflections, questions, and stories. For today’s article I want to focus on one set of these responses.
I want to speak to those of you who view commitment as a loss of self.
The idea that we lose ourselves in the presence of our partner is deeply ingrained in the modern perception of love, particularly in the United States. As almost all of our communal institutions give way to a heightened sense of individualism, we look more frequently to our partner to provide the emotional and physical resources that a village or community used to provide.
Is it any wonder that, tied up in relying on a partner for compassion, reassurance, sexual excitement, financial partnership, etc. that we end up looking to them for identity or, even worse, for self-worth?
Combine that with the commodification of love, the increasingly omnipresent “is there somebody better?”, and we have a recipe for decreasing the perceived “cost” of love. All the while increasing our expectations on our partnerships, and even adding more to the list, without really understanding what we’re asking.
This year, I’ve made it a point to take notes at any weddings I attend about the marital vow. I think this single speech is so reflective of the way our expanding expectations have gotten out of control. Here I offer you a poignant, if exaggerated, example of how these typically go:
“I promise that I will always be there for you, honest with you, kind, patient and forgiving. For you are my lover and my teacher and I honor the divinity in you,” says the groom, with an uncharacteristic quiver in his voice.
“I promise to be your greatest fan and your toughest adversary, your partner in crime, and your consolation in disappointment,” responds his bride, in almost perfect cadence. With unquestionable sincerity, he continues, “I promise to tell you everything, to have no secrets except those we share.”
“I promise faithfulness, respect, and self-improvement,” she declares. To which, he one-ups her by replying, “I will not only celebrate your triumphs, I will love you all the more for your failures.” Smiling through her tears, she says, “I promise never to wear heels so you won’t feel short. And to comfort you when your football team loses and drink with you when they win.”
Taking a small box of her favorite chocolates from his best man, he says, “I promise to always bring these at that time of the month, and never to ask you if it is that time of the month.” Having promised each other the heavens and the earth, they kiss to rapturous applause.
The All or Nothing Marriage by Eli Finkel. Eli, a psychological scientist, goes into some depth about the research behind modern marriage, focusing in particular on the increasing set of expectations behind marriage and the ideology behind the institution.
- Loving Bravely by Alexandra Solomon. Alexandra is the founder of Marriage 101, a course at Northwestern University that teaches undergraduates how to prepare for the types of relationships they want to have. Her book is a wonderfully written insight into the process of developing “relational self-awareness”, the prerequisite to being in a healthy relationship.
