Hey
sugarprincessxox ! Since I've been in a similar place before, I'll tell you a few ways I myself found useful in overcoming my doubts and growing more in faith. I hope you find these useful.
1) If you find faith itself to be a futile attempt, start by reading C.S. Lewis's "Mere Christianity". It is a classic apologetics book although Lewis himself never expected it to be so since he wrote it as a personal thought experiment .
2) I am by nature very skeptical so I never believe immediately whatever I am told. I ask "why?" and "why not?" constantly. But where I usually differ from most people I know is that I don't just keep asking questions in one direction. That is the same advice I would give you. E.g. If you feel the Bible is being sexist (It is not, btw, cuz this was something I had questioned myself and solved using logic alone. Faith came later and that revealed to me how interlinked logic and faith are. ), write down the specific arguments in favor of that statement. Then take your time to find counterpoints for each (this may take a while, maybe even years, but I'd advice to do it steadily as we are mortal beings that can die at any time...). Now list each of those counterpoints and try countering them. I know. This may sound tedious. But if you truly have a thirst to know what is true and what is not, this is the best way to approach it. Keep going at it until you get to the truth. Remember to use logic alone for this method.
3) The third point is kinda tmi as we are all strangers here... The reason I left my faith was due to an emotional reaction. At the time, I was certain that my feelings reflected the truth but years later, I started reading up on different religions and started realizing that what I already knew from my Christian upbringing made more sense logically in both philosophy and theology. I hated it cuz it meant that I could have been wrong. I had to swallow my pride (now I can name that emotion lol) and it took a lot of effort so I started out by doing point no.2. I wrote down everything I found 'wrong' in the bible. Countered it. Found more things I hated and felt was wrong. Countered it. I countered indiscriminately the reasons for and against the bible as I continued my research and looking back on it, all the time and energy I put into this endeavor was totally worth it.
4) I have a friend who became agnostic in college and is not interested in doing any of the above cuz she doesn't want to have a 'relationship"
with any being, God or creature (her words, not mine.). If that's the way you feel, then I would like to implore you for the final time. Please at least acknowledge the existence of God and maybe just try talking to the air when you're alone (NOT a joke) about stuff that happened that day or new things you are thinking about, etc. Either God's there and He's listening or He's not and NO ONE will hear you speak so no embarrassment there. I have heard of a guy, (a scientist or sum. Don't remember the details) who did this and had an encounter with God that converted him. So best case scenario is that you'll find God. The other scenario is still a good one as it will keep up the 'illusion' that you have someone who'll listen to whatever you say and that will give you some sort of hope IF ever you end up in a bad place mentally. It is after all, hopelessness that kills.
If you want to engage in simple conversations or do point no.2 along with me (i.e. to find points that support or oppose a view), I am available. So just message me privately.
I hope I was of some help and I'll keep you in my prayers.
