Random Thoughts

[UnderAlienControl]

 

[Carolyn]

Still quite anxious about this move, the house is ok still got a few things to get sorted. Just wish it was all done so I can get on with things, gonna put my name down for a housing association house though I think, really I want to just go back to our old house

Today I got an email via genes reunited about somebody trying to find me, was on there from ages ago trying to find my father but never had anything come up and now apparenlty his other daughter, my half sister is trying to find me. Major panic attack, not sure if I can handle this, am happy to find out more details and see how it goes, not just gonna write it off but honestly am not the most sociable person, dont know if I want to meet any other people at all although tbh recently Ive been feeling really alone, my daughters gonna be moving out sometime in the next cpl years, my best female friend moved away and we have sort of lost touch a bit, am gonna mail her and see how she is soon though and my other best friend killed himself two years ago, it would have been his birthday yesterday, me and my mum have never been that close really, we just have completely different views on the world, we get on better than we used to but that more down to me biting my tongue a lot and partly a bit because she knows better (to a slight degree) she still sits and talks about people, is so judgemental and doesnt ever think before she says something, I do get that last part a bit from her althoguh I do tend to think first a bit more but we are never gonna be that close really, she just doesnt get some things, even my daughter is the same with her tbh its shit I dont want it to be like that but its just the way she is, drives me a bit nuts still but not as bad as it used to, we used to argue and fall out all the time, usually it was down to me being honest with her, her not liking it and then her hanging on to things and being awkward and nasty for a long period of time. Gawd I remember just after I got out of hospital after brain surgery, have a big hole in my skull and had stiches all up back of my neck and head and she goes to cuddle me and puts her hand on my head and pressed down, almost fucking passed our or something. Its just stupid things like that, its like how cana you forget I just had my head cut open and a hole in my skull sewed back up and the daay I get out of hospital she does that lol honestly

Anyway I guess Ill see how things go about this missing persons thing, really kinda freaky! Im 40 now and am an unsociable hermit, not sure am really ready for anything like this!?

 

[Vytas]

Anyway I guess Ill see how things go about this missing persons thing, really kinda freaky! Im 40 now and am an unsociable hermit, not sure am really ready for anything like this!?

Simply do it, do not overthink it, what's worst that could happen ? You don't have what to lose, at worst it one time meeting at best...who knows? I have two brothers and a sister i never saw them i will never see them. I would love to have a choice like you do. Besides it seems you have more than enough problems, so something like that may brighten your daily routine. Grab your anxiety kick it in the teeth and go for it.

 

[Carolyn]

Like I said am not writing it off but right now I dont want to meet, rather have a chat and see how things go, tbh am scared shitless I never ever contemplated that a sibling might want to get in touch with me or if I even had any and its a sister that has been trying to find me, thats so scary. I dont come from a big family at all and the ones that I do have we are not that close tbh so its kinda scary. I have my wee brother who has a different father but also doesnt know his father either although I remember him and he was a total bastard and used to beat the shit out of my mother but theres almost 12 years between me and my brother so I moved out when he was almost 4 years old and then had my daughter a couple of years later when I was quite young and in a way my brother was more like my part time child than a brother, of course hes an adult now but I dont have much experience growing up with other siblings and my family havent always been the best experience of a family, its totally messed up my head and probably my ability to socialize in a lot of ways tbh and then with my illness on top of it especially the brain disorder.

While am fairly compos mentus it does affect me especially when am stressed or tired and right now am mentally and physically done in with moving and now all the other issues that are adding to me already struggling. My daughters fairly mentally and physically exhausted too with moving, tbh she done more organizing and packing than I done, a lot more, if it wasnt for her I doubt we would be moved out at all by now, it was the same last year when we moved and that was worse cause the flat we were in was a total shithole and we had to clear all sorts of stuff out that was ruined by damp and mould and a lot more cleaning and stuff too and my wee brother and my daughter probably done more than 90% of it all I hate seeing people I already know cause I dont feel that comfortable in myself tbh but like I said Ill chat and see how it goes for now.

Its so totally blown my mind that I have a sister!? and probably more other siblings too, so scary.

 

[JoChris]

Like I said am not writing it off but right now I dont want to meet, rather have a chat and see how things go, tbh am scared shitless I never ever contemplated that a sibling might want to get in touch with me or if I even had any and its a sister that has been trying to find me, thats so scary. I dont come from a big family at all and the ones that I do have we are not that close tbh so its kinda scary. I have my wee brother who has a different father but also doesnt know his father either although I remember him and he was a total bastard and used to beat the shit out of my mother but theres almost 12 years between me and my brother so I moved out when he was almost 4 years old and then had my daughter a couple of years later when I was quite young and in a way my brother was more like my part time child than a brother, of course hes an adult now but I dont have much experience growing up with other siblings and my family havent always been the best experience of a family, its totally messed up my head and probably my ability to socialize in a lot of ways tbh and then with my illness on top of it especially the brain disorder.

While am fairly compos mentus it does affect me especially when am stressed or tired and right now am mentally and physically done in with moving and now all the other issues that are adding to me already struggling. My daughters fairly mentally and physically exhausted too with moving, tbh she done more organizing and packing than I done, a lot more, if it wasnt for her I doubt we would be moved out at all by now, it was the same last year when we moved and that was worse cause the flat we were in was a total shithole and we had to clear all sorts of stuff out that was ruined by damp and mould and a lot more cleaning and stuff too and my wee brother and my daughter probably done more than 90% of it all I hate seeing people I already know cause I dont feel that comfortable in myself tbh but like I said Ill chat and see how it goes for now.

Its so totally blown my mind that I have a sister!? and probably more other siblings too, so scary.

I would be nervy if my half-sister contacted me suddenly too. My father's first girl was put up for adoption while he moved away to Australia. He got a "dear John" letter from his fiancé whom he hoped would follow him once he got settled here.

I wasn't supposed to know about her but my mother told me anyway. My father did end up telling me more years later after they had divorced - she was adopted by an English family and she had blonde hair.

It would be a nice shock though. I would like to meet her.

 

[elsbet]

I do have adblock.

Can you put it on your phone? Its getting really, really annoying.

Speaking of annoying, have we missed your Birthday?

 

[Vytas]

Like I said am not writing it off but right now I dont want to meet, rather have a chat and see how things go, tbh am scared shitless .

That goes without saying lol off course you first have a chat with her...And i agree it's scary, but also exiting too. You seem to be very introverted so it's even harder for you to do that than for average person. Anyways if you will do it at some point ,give us update how it went

 

[Carolyn]

Oh yes like 99.9% introvert lol I dont really feel like myself and havent for a few years since I got really ill and tbh I think its something I dont address, its easier to ignore it and just not deal with it. I have her email address now so .... am gonna send an email soonish, today definitely. Am kinda terrified, its a can of worms am not sure about opening. Am gonna forget it for a few hours am kinda still in shock, its less than 24 hours since I found out lol this is insane. I think I need to talk to my daughter about it too maybe but am scared to say it out loud. What a crazy week lol am a bit doolally right now I think, had the gas and electric guy out today switching over my meters to non prepayment meters and when he was changing the gas one there was a bit of gas let out, it was so bloody strong, the guy said hes used to it now, dont think I could handle breathing that in every day, cant be good for you so think its made me a bit off balance and my daughter too, the cats seem ok, all the windows are opened anyway and the cats were in my room with the doors closed the whole time and the house doesn't show any signs of exploding lol jebus I need a drink, a strong alcoholic drink, it might be time for a whisky if its even still drinkable!!

 

[Vytas]

Cheers and know your limits

 

[mecca]

Can you put it on your phone?

Idk, I don't think so.

have we missed your Birthday?

I turn 18 on Nov 23rd. "Thanksgiving" day lol.

 

[Carolyn]

aw gawd 18, my daughters older than that lol makes me feel ancient lol

 

[elsbet]

Idk, I don't think so.

I turn 18 on Nov 23rd. "Thanksgiving" day lol.

Nice!
I'll try to remember, so we can embarrass you, properly.


(I kid, I kid ♡)

 

[elsbet]

Like I said am not writing it off but right now I dont want to meet, rather have a chat and see how things go, tbh am scared shitless I never ever contemplated that a sibling might want to get in touch with me or if I even had any and its a sister that has been trying to find me, thats so scary. I dont come from a big family at all and the ones that I do have we are not that close tbh so its kinda scary. I have my wee brother who has a different father but also doesnt know his father either although I remember him and he was a total bastard and used to beat the shit out of my mother but theres almost 12 years between me and my brother so I moved out when he was almost 4 years old and then had my daughter a couple of years later when I was quite young and in a way my brother was more like my part time child than a brother, of course hes an adult now but I dont have much experience growing up with other siblings and my family havent always been the best experience of a family, its totally messed up my head and probably my ability to socialize in a lot of ways tbh and then with my illness on top of it especially the brain disorder.

While am fairly compos mentus it does affect me especially when am stressed or tired and right now am mentally and physically done in with moving and now all the other issues that are adding to me already struggling. My daughters fairly mentally and physically exhausted too with moving, tbh she done more organizing and packing than I done, a lot more, if it wasnt for her I doubt we would be moved out at all by now, it was the same last year when we moved and that was worse cause the flat we were in was a total shithole and we had to clear all sorts of stuff out that was ruined by damp and mould and a lot more cleaning and stuff too and my wee brother and my daughter probably done more than 90% of it all I hate seeing people I already know cause I dont feel that comfortable in myself tbh but like I said Ill chat and see how it goes for now.

Its so totally blown my mind that I have a sister!? and probably more other siblings too, so scary.

This actually happened to my mom. Long story short, 3 brothers and 3 sisters-- and she grew up an only child. She and one of her sisters finally found their youngest brother this year, and we just met him and his family, over the summer. He's a few years younger than me.

But she is the only one who is related to them all. Crazy, isn't it? But she's very glad, if not relieved, to have located everyone. Unless you know that this person is bad news, give it a go. Don't pressure yourself, of course, but don't be afraid, either.

 

[UnderAlienControl]

 

[Carolyn]

Jebus Ive gone from having 1 brother to 5 brothers and 4 sisters!!!!!! wt actual f lmao

 

[DesertRose]

Some people want to be served by their God or spiritual path.
They focus on what their path fulfills in themselves, they are Egocentric.
Others want to serve their Creator, they are God centric.
They focus on what actions or intentions please their beloved Creator.

 

[Carolyn]

been emailing my sister (sounds so weird!) quite a lot the last couple of days, totally nuts, not sure if am ready to be meeting with anyone, its nuts that I have 4 sisters and 5 brothers now, was an only child till I was almost 12 and then I moved out the house when I was 15 shortly before I was 16 so this is mindblowing, have found out other stuff too not that much, baby steps its kind of overwhelming, think I now know where my green eyes come from lol my youngest sister is 17, 6 years younger than my daughter! So weird!!

 

[Carolyn]

Ok so I know there is a documentaries thread, is there one for online documents and links to sites that we could have all in one thread and maybe even sticked. I found this, not read it all yet but its pretty interesting!

https://arxiv.org/ftp/arxiv/papers/0801/0801.0337.pdf

 

[DesertRose]

 

[UnderAlienControl]