I actually wrote a long story about my experience this Ramadan but then just deleted it.
I feel ashamed because i failed and feel ashamed to even post on muslim subjects but here it goes anyway.
My excuses are stupid, i admit and thats why i am more ashamed.
I only managed to fast for 4 days i think.
Although i usually eat only once a day around 7pm, i often wake up pretty late. But the last few month i been waking up early since some of my family moved here from another country and been waking up to someone telling off the kids in the mornings.
So waking up in the morning is new for me..
I thought i could do this at least one week although i planned in my mind for only 3 days. I think i managed either 4 or maybe even 5. I wanted more but failed.
My problem is, i get fed at around 19.00. But the Iftar would start after 20:40+ and by then the food got cold. I don't have a stove. Got electric one but it's so slow and i only end up burning half of my food when i try heating. I just don't even bother. Also i want to do it properly, if i drink, i wait 15 mins minimum before i start eating... Then i found out that muslims actually wake up at about before Sukhur which is about 2 AM and downwards every day. I don't know how to pray, i am not against it, but if i'm gonna do something i want to do it right.
Since i had no idea how, and i don't usually have breakfasts, i dont get fed at breakfasts so i have nothing to eat anyway if i wake up for Sukhur (breakfast if im correct).
So i just didn't wake up...
Also the temptation been eating me alive, it's them cherries! The cherries that are imported from Uzbekistan they are so nice... On the 4th or 5th day i broke my fast because of them. I been waiting for their ripe for a whole year. I got this app that i sometimes order fresh smoothies from with some farm fresh products, they kept sending me notifications about all these summer fruits.. so i gave up (((((
It's not only that, but the more i know, the more lost i become, i realised i just can't do this alone. My friends can but they experienced and they don't visit the Masjid often, they do everything usually in their place. If i would even wake up early at 2 for a prayer, i found where to position myself but i would have no idea what surah to read and im a slow learner.. I just can't do all this without real life help.. Thats another reason.
At first i thought it's just fasting, but it's deeper than that.
I hope god will forgive me Astaghfirullah!
Another thing happened, When the month started, i bought lots of pack of dates and some very nice natural chocolate made on honey (no sugar and 75% cacao) i wanted to give it to charity. The problem with that, is that homeless in Russia don't want that, they usually want vodka and i don't know where to find them or shelters (google didn't help) and the places i know of, is a bit like off the movie slumdog millionaire where they get money they collected but have to give it to some people or get punished.
So i asked my friend to do it with me, either find some place or give it to mosque charity.
It only happened once and only after few weeks out of the blue, i was already in bed and got a call at 12AM (2 months ago i'd be available usually at this time) with an offer to finally go to give charity. If i wanted to... Didn't want to miss an opportunity to finally do it, but i only had 10 mins to get ready. So i didn't have enough time to take shower, as always something always comes up when you want to do something quickly. I only managed to miswak the teeth. =)
But i was happy i finally get to see and experience Masjid, i had no idea what awaited me...
I really wish i had time to do the wudhu, i felt dirty, so i couldn't not only copy what others did but also my guilty conscience was eating me alive.
We arrived, went inside, for me was completely ever first time, took the shoes off, put it in plastic bag and into a special shelf right on the right after the entrance. My friends went to pray and i stayed and sat down at the little bench near the entrance and a table next to me, at first by the table when i looked was a kid who looked like he was Imam's helper reciting Qur'an, i lowered my gaze cause i was very shy and didn't want to disturb people off their prayer and concentration. I just looked on the floor was listening to the recitation and it was so soothing, i was enjoying it until my friend came back, by that time when i looked on my right at the table, it was one of the imams himself there
. My friend showed me around, we talked to the imam's helper and gave him a bag with dates and chocolates for iftar and put some money in charity box. I thought we was about to leave, were looking for our other friend, and then
The prayer started either both from speakers and imam on a chair or just imam and it was the acoustics (sorry not sure how it's called) and at that time my friend went back to pray again, and i sat down at the little bench again..
Then the most embarrassing thing happened to me, there were more and more brothers started coming in, i forgot to mention that my friend took my long sleeve coat and gave me his to hold (so the skin on he's backside wouldnt be shown)
and instead of everyone going up the stairs and around the mosque, they all just started piling up and ended up praying right in front of my legs right near the entrance!!!
I had no idea they would do that, because many people left their plastic bag with shoes near the little bench, and i could smell them shoes myself, so i never thought they will pray there... When they prayed in front of me bowing down to my legs while im on the bench, i had no idea what to do, i was looking down and enjoying the sound of prayer and was afraid to give eye contact and disturb anyone, when they stood up in part of the prayer, i was thinking to jump up before they kneel down again. But at the same time i was afraid that that might distract them again, i was nervous, my hands wet my friend's coat from sweat of my palms.. I had no idea how to act what's the best thing i could do so i just sat there and not sure if i was right.... Nobody gave me a bad look or anything, when i told my friend he just laughed and smiled at me..
I'm still not sure what was the right thing to do, should've i quickly jumped up and stand by the shoes shelf???
I wish my first experience wasn't so sudden... And the worst thing about all this, i actually had an intuition that my first experience would be of this nature.. I so wish i knew this in advance and was at least clean and be part of them.
Astaghfirullah!
This happened like a week ago, but even writing this and remembering that night makes me tremble...
And thats my story...