My Testimony

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#24
Could we all like share our testimonies here itself like, one after the other or something?

Or do we have to create another thread for testimonies?

I would surely like to write one for myself, though not quite as long as Daciple's. Any thoughts?
I think it would be better to start your own thread. That way everyone will be able to know you gave your testimony and it won't get lost in another thread.
 





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#25
Could we all like share our testimonies here itself like, one after the other or something?

Or do we have to create another thread for testimonies?

I would surely like to write one for myself, though not quite as long as Daciple's. Any thoughts?
If you want to testify to what the Lord has done in your life, even if its the size of a small novel please feel free to testify to His Glory and I will read it.
You can give your Testimony here if you feel lead to, or start your own thread, it is up to you my friend!!! Love you!!!
 





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#28
Here's my wife's testimony. I hope you do enjoy reading it. Just wanted to share. I think the length of her story might mirror yours. God Bless.

I am really feeling bad to plunge back into my past after so many years. In fact, this is the reason why, I was escaping you, not intentionally but psychologically, because it hurts , it really hurts and is painful indeed. With tears in my heart I will narrate to you my past anyway:-

I have been grown up in a Christian family, with a mother who has the blood of white people and my father having Asian culture. Since childhood I was really different from everybody in my house. I was a very shy and sensitive girl. I was the only one in the house to go and attend the Sunday mass and visit the church. This made a great effect in me. I grew with the words of God. And you know, being a child I had great innocence in me and all what I was hearing from the bible was molding my manners and myself as a person. I was living among my sisters and family with a different vision since childhood because of my contact with the church. Being a child, when I was hearing words like;[one should not be attached to this world; a world of amusements and frustrations, to money, an evil temptation….], I would the following day after hearing those words in the church, refuse any rupee my father would give me, out of his love for me!! I would not mingle with music, amusements…and no one would understand me!! Only because they were not going and hearing those words like me while I was attending the mass alone. And this made much pain in my life as a child. I was not being able to understand any person around me who would love money, music, or anything in this materialistic world. I was already molded as a Muslim but I did not know! I was affirming myself and defending Christianity because I loved the words I was hearing in the church. I could differentiate between those marvelous words and the actions of the so called Christians. I, already as a child, was disapproving all their ways. Growing as a very sensitive person, I was continuously misunderstood by one and all in the house of my parents. It was only my father, who was a bit sensitive like me, who understood me. And you would not believe, this created jealousy in my mum! Every time my father would come and hug me and consoled me when I was in tears (for very simple reason, I would weep!), my mother would show her anger! I could not understand! This was so hard to accept that then; I started to hide myself in my room every time I was sad. I did not let my father see, so as not to bear the anger of my mother afterwards. This is the reason I grew as an adolescent, very reserved one, I could not express myself, I feared everybody and would hide myself in my own shell- my room. This made me become someone very silent and someone passing her time observing without saying a word.

Then came a time when I had a job, I was affirming myself as an adult and I was having friends. Everybody outside loved me! They were appreciating me, and I was reviving. I felt I could trust, I could talk and voice out my feelings! And you know what happened? Each time I talked or said something deep, my friends would tell me: “eh you know, you cannot be a Christian, you are a Muslim!” I loved this you know, and I don’t know why I was feeling good. I give you an example:-

One day I was painting a flower for a class teacher colleague of mine. Although I am a fine painter, I was having difficulty to reach the real beauty of the flower! And getting tired in my efforts, I exclaimed: “and there are people who say that God does not exist! There are so many things around us to prove there is a God!” At that very moment, my Muslim friend approached me and said: “you just said a surah from the Qur’an!” I was amazed! I said to myself: this cannot go on!

People always comparing me to Muslims, I must know what Islam is!

I therefore seize the opportunity to ask via a radio program about Islam which I used to follow, to ask the speaker how I can understand Islam n where I can go to learn what Islam is in all its aspects. He gave me the address of a man who became my deen teacher. There I asked many pertinent questions n Alhamdulillah all were answered. I took much time to get convinced. Every time I felt I must make that important step, that of leaving Christianity and embracing Islam, every time I stopped, as there was a fear inside which was haunting me. Then, one day something happened: while my teacher was reading a surah in Arabic, with tajweed and with prose, I could not hold my tears, amazingly, without understanding anything, I saw myself weeping abundantly! All of my teacher’s family was shocked. But not my teacher! He was waiting for such a sign to convince me. He too wished I take the step quick, that of embracing Islam, but I was delaying, always. But on that day, I could see the joy on my teacher’s face. He took the Qur’an and showed me a verse where Allah is saying that those among the people of the book, whom I will choose to give guidance, those ones when my verses will be read to them, they won`t be able to hear it, they will fall on their face weeping. Really on that day I felt that those words were really for me. So it was exactly such words which for sure could give me a boost up. I was too much hesitating without reason. My teacher said it was shaytwaan tricks, he makes people delay to make good deeds and make people hasten to do bad deeds. And even though I did not read the shahada! I felt I needed more time.

Now from that time, Allah will start to make me pass though lots of painful tests! When I started my study, it was something I hide from everyone. I was already a married woman. My husband was a Hindu. He had to abandon Hindu faith and embrace Christianity for my parents to accept to marry him to me. He was the most valuable person I could get at that time. He was the best of husband any woman would dream to have! And unfortunately you know what? This will be my first biggest test. Listen now why….

When I was studying Islam from books and I my deen teacher, I was keeping this love for Islam for myself, no one knew, not even my husband, I kept it secret. With days however, my manners and my way of behaving in the house, started to change. My husband was feeling there was something but he thought badly on me. He thought I was having an affair with another man. He was suffering inside and this made him turn towards other women in his work. He did not tell me anything about what he was thinking. Then what should happened, happened. He started an affair with a MUSLIM lady in his place of work. Really, what would you have thought of Muslims and Islam at that time, if you were in my place?! I was approaching Islam and see what a Muslim lady was doing to me! And at that time, amazingly, I was reading the saying of the prophet s.a.w who said: (if two persons, 1 male and 1 female stays together alone, the third one is shaytwan). So instead of seeing Islam as disgusting, maachallah, I was in fact getting the confirmation of what I was learning, from what was happening between the lady and my husband. I started to really give credit to all the words Islam was teaching me. It was theory on paper, and my husband affair was the ‘practice’ part! The convincing part!

Now I was ready! As soon as I heard about his relationship, I was hurt but I felt relieved because I did not know, at a point in time what I should really do. I was convinced about the truth of Islam but I was married! What was I going to do? It was a stress. This is why I was behaving awkwardly. .so the extra marital affair of my husband helped me to make a move. It was Allah’s plan on me. But you know, when you really love someone, this thing of leaving him was not an easy thing at all. It was a real test. I decided at a moment, because of my pain I was enduring with the decision of leaving him to walk back! I even asked my husband to learn about Islam, to please make an effort so that I do not have to leave him. And instead of him having to ask for apology for what he did, it was me who was asking him for forgiveness. I could not recognize myself. It was paining a lot to have to separate. I was looking for all alternatives to save my couple. This was a very hard time indeed. I even accepted to stay in a different room, but under the same roof and at the same time teaching him Islam, for three years! 3 years I did sabar(patience), I accepted to cook food for him, I accepted to give him my house and all my belongings and I was everyday supplicating to him to accept Islam, I accepted he had the lady as wife too, I accepted all sacrifices….!!!

But one day, when as usual, after fajar, I went to his room to show him the so beautiful verses of the qur’an, concerning the Christians, he pushed my Qur’an forcefully. It was on that day with lots of pain that I stopped my efforts towards him. I could not bear to see him pushing my Qur’an; I was very angry inside, very angry. Things worsen with days. He left Mauritius for Madagascar. I had no money at all. I had a daughter. We had to drink water and eat bread which is offered at school. My husband was again having an affair in Madagascar. I again felt weak when I heard what he was doing. He was like a child to me. I don’t know how much I loved him, so that, I again made a move towards him. I went to Madagascar to help him see he was wrong. You know, I was feeling guilty it was because of me he was searching for love from anybody who come his way! For him I betrayed him! He was saying that he left everything for me and now see what I was doing to him…on my side I cared for him but I could not live with him if he do not adopt Islam and this I was unable to explain this nor help in any manner…I just was thinking again about God’s word: if he guides someone who can misguide n if he don’t want guidance for someone who can remove the seal in their heart?!! It was painful not to have the key to change this…

He ill treated me in Madagascar, I was not recognizing him. The lady he was entertaining, was asking that I leave Madagascar and my husband hugged her to console her saying: she (me) is only my wife on paper! That was really very very difficult to bear…I think Allah was permitting this only to help me leave him…

I therefore came back to Mauritius. I suffered a lot, no food, no money, and I had a daughter of 2yrs old to look after. Mentally I was finished. I only had to leave Islam and I would have my husband back, money, a car, and the love and affection of my husband….but u know what I chose?....i was ready, no more love was there for any one in my heart, except the love for Allah and his prophet and all my Muslims friends…..so I told my husband of my strict intention to accept to leave him and to go and read the shahada… I am at this moment weeping lots; tears are running down my cheeks. I did not want to recall, this is why half way I stopped. I was thinking about many episodes who were flashing back, and I stopped last time. I was remembering a moment when I had nothing in the kitchen to give to my child. My husband was refusing to send me money. I remember myself walking across private lands to cut leafy vegetables growing and bring home to cook.

At that very moment, my parents added fuel to my sufferings. They too were ill treating me. They started supporting my husband instead, only because he converted to Christianity, so they loved him more than me. In fact they detested me a lot. When my husband came back from Madagascar, my parents supported him in court to remove my child from me. They accused me of beating my child to read the Qur’an…they accused me of being extremist!! And when I was going to court in my jilbab, I was seen by the judge as a disgusting woman…I had to bear all this …my jilbab and hijab was betraying me and was confirming the words of my husband and family, and when you have your own mother against you and helping your husband, not only it hurts but it gives credit to the words of my husband in court!! A mother helping his son in law and condemning her own daughter!!…, this is the last thing you can do to a mother, removing her child from her! Allah says He won’t give you emaan like this. He will test you with all what you love, 1. Your money, 2. Your husband or wife, 3. Your sons, 4. Your health…

So after suffering from lack of food, and money, from separation of my husband with divorce, now I was faced with the separation of my child from me! I don’t know how I passed all these tests, as only weapon, I recall myself weeping whole day, whole night. Then what I did is to accept what was decreed from Allah for me…so I told them in court that I am accepting they take my child, and that all what they are doing to me is not coming from them to me, and that if Allah did not permit this , nobody could have been able to do this to me…and that it is Allah who is testing me with the one I love the most, my child…so I am surrendering…they were all shocked…and I left the court, satisfied being able to held high my deen but wrecked as a weak mother!!!

Moreover, in my work, my employer being the roman catholic education authority, I had to undergo pressure and the threat of losing my job, now only because I started wearing hijab! They were asking me to remove my veil. Again I accepted to face all humiliation, all kinds of words, all kinds of injustices..They promote all Christians except me. I accepted this too. It was a stress, I was constantly being reminded I work in a Christian school and they have their specificity and that I am Jesus betrayer! I was running the risk of losing my job, my only bread winner, having no parents with me…I did not remove my hijab….never will I …and up to now they have not been able to put me out..

And then with years, living alone, I had difficulties when there were things I could not do for example things normally meant for men (1) to fetch gas cylinders for cooking when it finishes, (2) to repair electric wires broken in the house, then I needed my neighbors. They were Muslims. This is when, I met my 2nd husband. He started loving me. His parents did not accept me because I was an already married woman and being revert, for them I had no Muslim blood!! They were very narrow minded people. I cut my relations with him. He could not bear this and proposed I marry him among friends only without letting his parents know, and that he will let them know later, about the nikah. You know, being alone, he was my only support. I did not have any parents, no child, so not to lose this only support, I accepted in my weaknesses. He was 9 yrs younger than me but when I fell pregnant; he started to fear his parents and asked me to abort the child! I refused. Another episode now, that of being beaten by him to go and get rid of the child. The child was a problem for him. His parents would know and he would lose all what he should inherit as fortune by his parents. I suffered much atrocities but I did not abort. I got the support of another neighbor who made me come to her house and helped me during pregnancy and even after birth. For 7 yrs, the 2nd husband did not give me talaaq. He even went to seek the help of my parents to remove this 2nd child from me. I started doing tahajud, I wept to Allah asking Him not to make me endure the test of losing my child again…I wept all the tears of my body…and Allah subanahu wa tallah , for whom I will always be grateful, answered my prayer..My 2nd husband forgets to come on the scheduled date fixed by the court to hear him…ALLAHU AKBAR!! My case was dismissed and he loses all rights to see the child because the court sees this absence of him as an act of disinterest for the child, of him!! Alhamdulilah I could sleep in peace! It was a real miracle. He forgets the date, even though he had his own sister as lawyer and his uncle as notary!!! No one remembered the date, no one was present in court on that day, they all forgot!! Up to now I ponder on what Allah can do if He really wants!!

I was also tested with my health. I am health and physical education instructor, and once while executing a jump in the stadium; I tore my medial meniscus in my knee. I feared again for my future because I have no one on my side, I had no money to get operated. Then while talking about my conversion to a newspaper, somebody came and paid the operation, alhamdulilah.
U see I have been tested with everything for the diamond I got..emaan!! But I am now happy and living peacefully, alone yes but happy to have got imaan. Nothing is as valuable to my eyes as this. I don’t know how to thank Allah for this gift. Pray for me I stay in swiratwal mustaqeem till I die, inchallah. U see I have not gain imaan easily… I have strived to read kalima shahada, I have strived and is still striving to wear my Islamic dress, I still am hiding myself to do my swalaat in my job in time, this is why I can’t understand born Muslim who has the freedom to do all this but don’t!! I will forever be thankful to Allah; I even thank HIM for the pains I endured, because it is those pains that mould me into a Muslim! I also thank Him for all the support I got from my sisters and brothers in Islam, in my moments of sorrows because while He was sending me tests, He also sends me support along with the pain!!

I will be thankful to HIM forever
 





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#29
Daciple your testimony is very touching to say the least. I read every word and was blown away at how God worked in your life. I often feel very unlucky similar to how you felt. God works in mysterious ways.

God_Is_Formelss your wife's testimony also speaks to me. What a difficult thing that must have been for her. I don't know how she remained humble and strong through it all. Her faith was tested and she stood strong. I admire her for that.

I am at an odd place in my life, a vulnerable one.

Every time I felt I must make that important step, that of leaving Christianity and embracing Islam, every time I stopped, as there was a fear inside which was haunting me.
This is where I currently am in my life right now. This resonates with me like nothing else on this forum does.
It overjoys me to hear others testimonies. I am in the middle of mine. I know what I have to do but I am struggling. It's hard to step out of living in sin especially if it has been so long. I struggle more with the backlash I will face. It's complicated. I hope that I can reach the point where both of you reached. I hope I can get closer to God than ever and I hope that living in sin will be a thing from the past.

I applaud you both! Thanks for sharing! There are probably others who read but will not post. You may have touched other souls without even knowing. Standing ovation for those testimonies! I hope to hear some others.

(Mine is under construction)
 





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#31
I have been putting off writing mine because I want to tell it right. I have been thinking about it for a couple of months but I think perhaps I ought to share something. I might have to do it in a few chapters of my life...

My story starts with the story of others. My parents were of no particular faith when I was born but when I was perhaps 4 or 5 I recall them both becoming Christians. I don't know their whole story but as a child you pick up on character and I can remember my parents started to change and begin to look 'different' in a good way. They started to have Bible studies once a week. During the 70s they were born again during the Jesus Movement that was happening at the time. They had a straightforward, Bible based faith and I grew up seeing everyday miracles like people healed when they were prayed for, Dad finding lost animals at night on the farm when he had given up on them after asking for help etc.

At the age of eight I had a strong sense that Jesus was something special but had never really thought of how I related to Him. On a Christmas morning in 1979 I remember waking very early to find I had been given a cassette player and a Scalextric car racing track. I didn't want to open the cars at 4am so I decided to try the cassette player out. I found a tape that Dad had copied of an LP and with it turned down quietly, I started to listen to an album whose message changed the course of my life. The first song wasn't the strongest on the album but I kept listening and the words and melody I heard have become woven into my spirit ever since.


When I had listened to this, I saw things quite clearly and I decided as much as an 8 year old guy can to give my life to Jesus. This was where my own spiritual story began.
 





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#32
I am in the middle of mine. I know what I have to do but I am struggling. It's hard to step out of living in sin especially if it has been so long. I struggle more with the backlash I will face. It's complicated. I hope that I can reach the point where both of you reached. I hope I can get closer to God than ever and I hope that living in sin will be a thing from the past.
Praise God you were blessed!!! I am praying for you, and hope you come to Christ, dont fear the backlash, and I understand why you fear it, but I promise once you come to Christ it will be worth anything you can face. It is wonderful to know for sure that the Creator of all of existence has desired and loved you so much that He was willing to step out of Heaven come to this World and give His life to bring you Salvation from Death and Hell and bring you out of the bondage of Sin. That you can have a personal relationship with the literal Creator of all things, that He will come and live inside of you, to guide you and help you with every struggle, every obstacle, every trial, mountain and valley you go thru, to know without a doubt that you are Saved and that He is walking beside you every step of the way, and where you cant walk He will pick you up and carry you through it all because He loves you so very much!!!

I wrote a post in a Thread I created called Daciple Ministries, where I speak about what one can expect when they come to Christ, it may benefit you, you can read that specific post here:

https://vigilantcitizenforums.com/threads/daciple-ministries.783/#post-35557

If you need anything please feel free to reach out either in this thread or PM. Love you and cant wait to hear your testimony!!! God Bless!!!
 





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#33
@God_Is_Formless

Thank your wife for sharing her testimony for me, my heart broke hearing all the struggles she has had to endure, I couldnt imagine losing a child and dealing with an abusive spouse. I am glad she chooses to see things in a positive light, events like that in life can definitely break a person completely. My only hope is that she comes to understand there is vast gulf between Catholicism and Christianity, I will pray she and you are able to befriend and see the difference between Catholics and Truly Born Again people.

Regardless I do from the bottom of my heart apprecate sharing your testimony I know how difficult it can be to relive some of the painful experiences we go thru in life and writing them out can stir up emotions we may have had buried for some time. Thank you for being strong enough to share them with me, it means more than you can know.

I love you both and have and will be praying for you, if you need anything please feel free to reach out to me. God Bless you both!!!
 





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#34
I have been putting off writing mine because I want to tell it right. I have been thinking about it for a couple of months but I think perhaps I ought to share something. I might have to do it in a few chapters of my life...

My story starts with the story of others. My parents were of no particular faith when I was born but when I was perhaps 4 or 5 I recall them both becoming Christians. I don't know their whole story but as a child you pick up on character and I can remember my parents started to change and begin to look 'different' in a good way. They started to have Bible studies once a week. During the 70s they were born again during the Jesus Movement that was happening at the time. They had a straightforward, Bible based faith and I grew up seeing everyday miracles like people healed when they were prayed for, Dad finding lost animals at night on the farm when he had given up on them after asking for help etc.

At the age of eight I had a strong sense that Jesus was something special but had never really thought of how I related to Him. On a Christmas morning in 1979 I remember waking very early to find I had been given a cassette player and a Scalextric car racing track. I didn't want to open the cars at 4am so I decided to try the cassette player out. I found a tape that Dad had copied of an LP and with it turned down quietly, I started to listen to an album whose message changed the course of my life. The first song wasn't the strongest on the album but I kept listening and the words and melody I heard have become woven into my spirit ever since.


When I had listened to this, I saw things quite clearly and I decided as much as an 8 year old guy can to give my life to Jesus. This was where my own spiritual story began.
Amen! Thank you for sharing how you came to Christ and the beginning of your journey!! I am excited to hear the rest of your testimony, you mentioned in another thread that you had sometimes where you werent on fire for Christ until the past 4 years and I can tell you brother I can relate. I have definitely had my ups and downs and backslidings but I am oh so thankful that our Lord and Savior, is not only a God who can Save but Keeps as well!!! That He is a God of long suffering and will go to the ends of the earth to search out and find the Lost Sheep!!!

I love you brother, if you need anything feel free to reach out, I cant wait to hear the rest, be blessed!!!
 





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#35
I love you both and have and will be praying for you, if you need anything please feel free to reach out to me. God Bless you both!!!
We love you too brother, thank you and we certainly do appreciate the offer. :) However consider this

Qur'an Chapter 1 Verse 5

Thee only we serve; to Thee alone we pray for succour.


This suggests not to turn to any creature when you're in any kind of trouble. Only God Can Truly Save anybody without any means whatsoever.
 





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#36
Sorry it has taken me a long time to continue my story - I think the only way something like this has value is if it is honest and tells the lows as well as the highs. In looking back on my journey I wish I had not lost so much time in getting where I am today. I have not 'arrived' yet either.

As a young guy, I experienced great closeness with Jesus and I remember trying to share the Gospel with my friends at Primary School. I had a yellow "Jesus Saves" badge I still remember, and would use my RE homework to try to get the head at my school saved!!! Nieive perhaps, but it was just how I felt.

Going into my teens, I found myself in a less friendly setting at high school. Those who stood out would get hammered down. Who wouldn't bully a teenager who didn't run with the crowd, didn't want sex before marriage, didn't listen to the 'right' pop music etc. It didn't take me long to learn how to 'blend in' and find out just how far I could go acting like everyone else. It was so much easier than facing rejection and ridicule and I rather liked it when I went from being an outsider to one of the 'in' crowd. In the process, I had lost my first love. I went to Church still, but in the back of my mind were the seeds of rebellion from this early commitment. Anyone who has married their childhood sweetheart will know this emotion of having not made an 'adult' choice. I felt stuck - all the great testimonies I had ever heard had a gangster, drug dealer or other great rebel finding faith in some memorable way. I had got a pathetic excuse of a conversion story!!! The worst things I had done were to cut the toes off my brother's sock one day and blame a mouse, or tell the teacher that the dog ate my homework. I would never be invited to be an after dinner speaker with such a tale!!! I heard someone say recently that "you can never be truly healed till you have been completely broken". I question this now, and remember men of God who were faithful from their youth, like Samuel the Prophet, but it was a powerful feeling at the time...

This state of torn, approval seeking, full but empty feeling filled my early teen years. One year I went on a two week 'Pathfinders' Christian camp in the Lake District, (UK). It was mainly activities and friendship with a few evening meetings thrown in. The kids ranged from good churchgoers to rebels sent there by anxious Christian parents. I quickly fell in with the second group (they were cooler) and we would break away from the others on the days out to find a pub that would serve us! Time wore on and after one evening where I had been making some progress with a girl I liked the look of, I had retired to the tent and had been chatting with one of the guys there about my likely chances with her.

He looked at me and told me the following - "God sees right through it all, you know? He is not taken in by you 'Jack the Lad' act".

The bottom fell out of my world. I was a fraud and without excuses. I was speechless.

What followed was the most profound moment of my life. I felt the presence of Jesus in the tent. There was no escaping his gaze. Next to the fierce holiness I saw just how sinful I was, not just my actions but my very heart was wretched, shameful, selfish. I felt like a beetle when the light was switched on in a room - I wanted to run under the sofa but there was nowhere to go! CS Lewis describes this as "the Weight of Glory", but the glory and holiness was utterly perilous. I couldn't stand it. I was in a state! I was sobbing and hating myself and in awe all at once. At some point I remember my friend telling me that if "I would confess my sins He was faithful and just to forgive my sins and to cleanse me from ALL unrighteousness". I started to confess them to the Lord and I felt his patience and mercy. I must have prayed for hours, there was nothing the light of his presence left unturned. I was naked. I admitted my guilt and my shame.

Then, and I can't remember how I heard it, but I felt this Jesus say to me that he had taken it all, and that I was forgiven. I felt what that truly meant. Everything was gone. There was no barrier between me and God. I had been given eternal life! I had tasted this when I was younger, but now I had seen. Even now as I write this, death has no fear for me, as I would be face to face with the one who embodies pure love, and the most alive one in all the universe. I spent the rest of that night laughing like a lottery winner, crying with joy and must have seemed crazy to the guys who just wanted a good night's sleep.

"My" testimony is not even really about me, it is about my encounters with the one who gave his life as a ransom for my own apparently humdrum existence. It has a beginning but no end, and carries on each day.

In Troilus and Cressida, (Shakespeare) there is a great line "What is ought but as 'tis valued", or as Graham Kendrick sang,

"How much do you think you are worth, boy,
Will anyone stand up and say?
Would you say that a man is worth nothing,
Till someone is willing to pay?"
 





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#37
In looking back on my journey I wish I had not lost so much time in getting where I am today. I have not 'arrived' yet either.
I feel the exact same way, as tho I wasted so much time and even still waste it, knowing I have not yet arrived. It can be an uphill battle but I believe God is and will be until I die continually working on me.

I heard someone say recently that "you can never be truly healed till you have been completely broken". I question this now, and remember men of God who were faithful from their youth, like Samuel the Prophet, but it was a powerful feeling at the time...
What followed was the most profound moment of my life. I felt the presence of Jesus in the tent. There was no escaping his gaze. Next to the fierce holiness I saw just how sinful I was, not just my actions but my very heart was wretched, shameful, selfish. I felt like a beetle when the light was switched on in a room - I wanted to run under the sofa but there was nowhere to go! CS Lewis describes this as "the Weight of Glory", but the glory and holiness was utterly perilous. I couldn't stand it. I was in a state! I was sobbing and hating myself and in awe all at once. At some point I remember my friend telling me that if "I would confess my sins He was faithful and just to forgive my sins and to cleanse me from ALL unrighteousness". I started to confess them to the Lord and I felt his patience and mercy. I must have prayed for hours, there was nothing the light of his presence left unturned. I was naked. I admitted my guilt and my shame.
I believe you were broken right there, there may be more times where God will break you, but that I believe is the ultimate aspect of being broken. Its not truly about life being so hard you cant handle it, it is about being completely broken before God, to get oneself, by the way of Gods Grace and Mercy, to understand just how feeble and weak we are, how little and unworthy we are in the presence of the Mighty God.

I have prayed to be broken before God, it is a scary prayer to pray because He does answer it, and He did in my life and He continues to do so, but each time it always boils down to being broken before Him and that desperate need to be reliant upon Him and His Grace and Mercy. I believe it is so very easy for us to trust in our Flesh to trust in our own Self Reliance. I have been watching this show called Alone, where they stick people on Vancouver Island and leave them completely alone for days on end. I believe that in the past when we all used to live in situations like that we would be much more aware of our complete dependence upon God, if fish didnt bite, if traps didnt work, if it rained to hard, if it got too cold, ect we would die. We were completely at His Mercy and would have been much more likely to pray continuously simply to have our basic needs met. However in today's society for the most part all of our needs are easily met, I can go to a store and get food, I have a house with electricity, I am safe from storms and cold ect. All I have to do is go to a job which for most everyone at least in America and most of the 1st World is there to be had in abundance if they simply get up and go get one, is readily accessible. In other words it is very easy in this society to view it as being completely Self Reliant, and even I who knows without a doubt that all of this is provided to me by Grace Alone, still can and do easily take it all for granted and feel as tho many times its my own Self Reliance that is sustaining me.

I say that because I have noticed that recently as God has been working on me, that when I asked to be broken, like seriously prayed to be broken and have a closer relationship with God, my mother came down with Cancer and died, which broke me massively, but on the other side was God and a much deeper and closer relationship with Him. (Dont get me wrong I do not at all believe my prayer to be broken lead to my Mom getting Cancer, however my reaction to it broke me and ended up causing me to have to Repent and get closer to God) not long after that, I prayed it again and I almost immediately lost my job. That broke me in a different way, and still am in the midst of being broken over it, but it too has caused me to Repent in many areas of my life and draw closer to God. One thing is now I am completely reliant on Gods Mercy to provide during this time and He definitely has, I have yet to truly be in need and that is all 100% because of His Grace and Mercy.

You dont have to have a terrible backstory to be broken before God, I guess is what I am trying to say, and I believe that experience you shared in the tent, that resonates with me as one of probably many times you were and have been broken. I do believe it is true that a man must be broken to be completely healed or that one must be broken before God truly moves into their lives and uses them. As for Samuel when was he used of God? When his master was on the verge of dying right? That must have been a traumatic experience, he was essentially his father, I know I was broken when my mother died, I am quite sure Samuel was in the process of being broken during that time as well. Like I said its not about being some out right sinner, drug dealer, fornicator ect, its about sitituations in life that causes one to be broken before God calling out to Him from a state where as you stated you know you cant hide, and you are naked before Him. That is I believe where He always wants us to be, because that is when we are stripped of our Self Reliance, our Selfishness, our Self Pride, the Word says in our weakness His strength is made perfect. If we live act and feel as tho we are strong in and of ourselves God isnt going to move in and use us in His strength, but once we are broken then He can move.

And while you say you gave your life to Christ as a child, it seems to me that in that tent, that was when you were truly old enough to know right from wrong and you truly came to the age of accountability before the Lord and were Born Again. That feeling you described is how I felt as well once I was Born Again and truly believed in Christ, once I had no doubts about His Grace and Mercy!!!

Thank you so much for sharing brother it has been inspirational!!!!
 





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#38
Sorry it has taken me a long time to continue my story - I think the only way something like this has value is if it is honest and tells the lows as well as the highs. In looking back on my journey I wish I had not lost so much time in getting where I am today. I have not 'arrived' yet either.

As a young guy, I experienced great closeness with Jesus and I remember trying to share the Gospel with my friends at Primary School. I had a yellow "Jesus Saves" badge I still remember, and would use my RE homework to try to get the head at my school saved!!! Nieive perhaps, but it was just how I felt.

Going into my teens, I found myself in a less friendly setting at high school. Those who stood out would get hammered down. Who wouldn't bully a teenager who didn't run with the crowd, didn't want sex before marriage, didn't listen to the 'right' pop music etc. It didn't take me long to learn how to 'blend in' and find out just how far I could go acting like everyone else. It was so much easier than facing rejection and ridicule and I rather liked it when I went from being an outsider to one of the 'in' crowd. In the process, I had lost my first love. I went to Church still, but in the back of my mind were the seeds of rebellion from this early commitment. Anyone who has married their childhood sweetheart will know this emotion of having not made an 'adult' choice. I felt stuck - all the great testimonies I had ever heard had a gangster, drug dealer or other great rebel finding faith in some memorable way. I had got a pathetic excuse of a conversion story!!! The worst things I had done were to cut the toes off my brother's sock one day and blame a mouse, or tell the teacher that the dog ate my homework. I would never be invited to be an after dinner speaker with such a tale!!! I heard someone say recently that "you can never be truly healed till you have been completely broken". I question this now, and remember men of God who were faithful from their youth, like Samuel the Prophet, but it was a powerful feeling at the time...

This state of torn, approval seeking, full but empty feeling filled my early teen years. One year I went on a two week 'Pathfinders' Christian camp in the Lake District, (UK). It was mainly activities and friendship with a few evening meetings thrown in. The kids ranged from good churchgoers to rebels sent there by anxious Christian parents. I quickly fell in with the second group (they were cooler) and we would break away from the others on the days out to find a pub that would serve us! Time wore on and after one evening where I had been making some progress with a girl I liked the look of, I had retired to the tent and had been chatting with one of the guys there about my likely chances with her.

He looked at me and told me the following - "God sees right through it all, you know? He is not taken in by you 'Jack the Lad' act".

The bottom fell out of my world. I was a fraud and without excuses. I was speechless.

What followed was the most profound moment of my life. I felt the presence of Jesus in the tent. There was no escaping his gaze. Next to the fierce holiness I saw just how sinful I was, not just my actions but my very heart was wretched, shameful, selfish. I felt like a beetle when the light was switched on in a room - I wanted to run under the sofa but there was nowhere to go! CS Lewis describes this as "the Weight of Glory", but the glory and holiness was utterly perilous. I couldn't stand it. I was in a state! I was sobbing and hating myself and in awe all at once. At some point I remember my friend telling me that if "I would confess my sins He was faithful and just to forgive my sins and to cleanse me from ALL unrighteousness". I started to confess them to the Lord and I felt his patience and mercy. I must have prayed for hours, there was nothing the light of his presence left unturned. I was naked. I admitted my guilt and my shame.

Then, and I can't remember how I heard it, but I felt this Jesus say to me that he had taken it all, and that I was forgiven. I felt what that truly meant. Everything was gone. There was no barrier between me and God. I had been given eternal life! I had tasted this when I was younger, but now I had seen. Even now as I write this, death has no fear for me, as I would be face to face with the one who embodies pure love, and the most alive one in all the universe. I spent the rest of that night laughing like a lottery winner, crying with joy and must have seemed crazy to the guys who just wanted a good night's sleep.

"My" testimony is not even really about me, it is about my encounters with the one who gave his live as a ransom for my own apparently humdrum life. It has a beginning but no end, and carries on each day.

In Troilus and Cressida, (Shakespeare) there is a great line "What is ought but as 'tis valued", or as Graham Kendrick sang,

"How much do you think you are worth, boy,
Will anyone stand up and say?
Would you say that a man is worth nothing,
Till someone is willing to pay?"
I think all of us do something at one point or another to avoid the rejection of others no matter how big or how small. I have often wished my testimony was simpler for the same reason. We are blessed to know that we can be used by God today no matter how bad we have sinned before. Paul is a good example of this.

Although, I am always convicted of the story of Ezekiel when I think about wanting to hear a super extravagant testimony. Ezekiel says something that always convicts me because it shows how blameless he was and how closely he followed God throughout his life. It has always made me want a testimony like his.

So in Ezekiel 4, God is giving him a task to become an offering for the people's disobedience. He is supposed to lie on his side for a certain number of days and portion his food out during this time cooking it over human excrement as a sign that the people will soon be defiled in their captivity.

Ezekiel says,
“Not so, Sovereign Lord! I have never defiled myself. From my youth until now I have never eaten anything found dead or torn by wild animals. No impure meat has ever entered my mouth." (Ezekiel 4:14).

His whole life he has kept all the law regarding the food restrictions. Can you imagine? It just amazes me when I read this and it makes me wish I had a testimony like his. Your testimony reminded me of this verse. Thanks for sharing.
 





Joined
Mar 13, 2017
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#39
Sorry it has taken me a long time to continue my story - I think the only way something like this has value is if it is honest and tells the lows as well as the highs. In looking back on my journey I wish I had not lost so much time in getting where I am today. I have not 'arrived' yet either.

As a young guy, I experienced great closeness with Jesus and I remember trying to share the Gospel with my friends at Primary School. I had a yellow "Jesus Saves" badge I still remember, and would use my RE homework to try to get the head at my school saved!!! Nieive perhaps, but it was just how I felt.
This is a wonderful testimony! Thank you so much for sharing it! :)
 





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#40
Here's my wife's testimony. I hope you do enjoy reading it. Just wanted to share. I think the length of her story might mirror yours. God Bless.

I am really feeling bad to plunge back into my past after so many years. In fact, this is the reason why, I was escaping you, not intentionally but psychologically, because it hurts , it really hurts and is painful indeed. With tears in my heart I will narrate to you my past anyway:-

I have been grown up in a Christian family, with a mother who has the blood of white people and my father having Asian culture. Since childhood I was really different from everybody in my house. I was a very shy and sensitive girl. I was the only one in the house to go and attend the Sunday mass and visit the church. This made a great effect in me. I grew with the words of God. And you know, being a child I had great innocence in me and all what I was hearing from the bible was molding my manners and myself as a person. I was living among my sisters and family with a different vision since childhood because of my contact with the church. Being a child, when I was hearing words like;[one should not be attached to this world; a world of amusements and frustrations, to money, an evil temptation….], I would the following day after hearing those words in the church, refuse any rupee my father would give me, out of his love for me!! I would not mingle with music, amusements…and no one would understand me!! Only because they were not going and hearing those words like me while I was attending the mass alone. And this made much pain in my life as a child. I was not being able to understand any person around me who would love money, music, or anything in this materialistic world. I was already molded as a Muslim but I did not know! I was affirming myself and defending Christianity because I loved the words I was hearing in the church. I could differentiate between those marvelous words and the actions of the so called Christians. I, already as a child, was disapproving all their ways. Growing as a very sensitive person, I was continuously misunderstood by one and all in the house of my parents. It was only my father, who was a bit sensitive like me, who understood me. And you would not believe, this created jealousy in my mum! Every time my father would come and hug me and consoled me when I was in tears (for very simple reason, I would weep!), my mother would show her anger! I could not understand! This was so hard to accept that then; I started to hide myself in my room every time I was sad. I did not let my father see, so as not to bear the anger of my mother afterwards. This is the reason I grew as an adolescent, very reserved one, I could not express myself, I feared everybody and would hide myself in my own shell- my room. This made me become someone very silent and someone passing her time observing without saying a word.

Then came a time when I had a job, I was affirming myself as an adult and I was having friends. Everybody outside loved me! They were appreciating me, and I was reviving. I felt I could trust, I could talk and voice out my feelings! And you know what happened? Each time I talked or said something deep, my friends would tell me: “eh you know, you cannot be a Christian, you are a Muslim!” I loved this you know, and I don’t know why I was feeling good. I give you an example:-

One day I was painting a flower for a class teacher colleague of mine. Although I am a fine painter, I was having difficulty to reach the real beauty of the flower! And getting tired in my efforts, I exclaimed: “and there are people who say that God does not exist! There are so many things around us to prove there is a God!” At that very moment, my Muslim friend approached me and said: “you just said a surah from the Qur’an!” I was amazed! I said to myself: this cannot go on!

People always comparing me to Muslims, I must know what Islam is!

I therefore seize the opportunity to ask via a radio program about Islam which I used to follow, to ask the speaker how I can understand Islam n where I can go to learn what Islam is in all its aspects. He gave me the address of a man who became my deen teacher. There I asked many pertinent questions n Alhamdulillah all were answered. I took much time to get convinced. Every time I felt I must make that important step, that of leaving Christianity and embracing Islam, every time I stopped, as there was a fear inside which was haunting me. Then, one day something happened: while my teacher was reading a surah in Arabic, with tajweed and with prose, I could not hold my tears, amazingly, without understanding anything, I saw myself weeping abundantly! All of my teacher’s family was shocked. But not my teacher! He was waiting for such a sign to convince me. He too wished I take the step quick, that of embracing Islam, but I was delaying, always. But on that day, I could see the joy on my teacher’s face. He took the Qur’an and showed me a verse where Allah is saying that those among the people of the book, whom I will choose to give guidance, those ones when my verses will be read to them, they won`t be able to hear it, they will fall on their face weeping. Really on that day I felt that those words were really for me. So it was exactly such words which for sure could give me a boost up. I was too much hesitating without reason. My teacher said it was shaytwaan tricks, he makes people delay to make good deeds and make people hasten to do bad deeds. And even though I did not read the shahada! I felt I needed more time.

Now from that time, Allah will start to make me pass though lots of painful tests! When I started my study, it was something I hide from everyone. I was already a married woman. My husband was a Hindu. He had to abandon Hindu faith and embrace Christianity for my parents to accept to marry him to me. He was the most valuable person I could get at that time. He was the best of husband any woman would dream to have! And unfortunately you know what? This will be my first biggest test. Listen now why….

When I was studying Islam from books and I my deen teacher, I was keeping this love for Islam for myself, no one knew, not even my husband, I kept it secret. With days however, my manners and my way of behaving in the house, started to change. My husband was feeling there was something but he thought badly on me. He thought I was having an affair with another man. He was suffering inside and this made him turn towards other women in his work. He did not tell me anything about what he was thinking. Then what should happened, happened. He started an affair with a MUSLIM lady in his place of work. Really, what would you have thought of Muslims and Islam at that time, if you were in my place?! I was approaching Islam and see what a Muslim lady was doing to me! And at that time, amazingly, I was reading the saying of the prophet s.a.w who said: (if two persons, 1 male and 1 female stays together alone, the third one is shaytwan). So instead of seeing Islam as disgusting, maachallah, I was in fact getting the confirmation of what I was learning, from what was happening between the lady and my husband. I started to really give credit to all the words Islam was teaching me. It was theory on paper, and my husband affair was the ‘practice’ part! The convincing part!

Now I was ready! As soon as I heard about his relationship, I was hurt but I felt relieved because I did not know, at a point in time what I should really do. I was convinced about the truth of Islam but I was married! What was I going to do? It was a stress. This is why I was behaving awkwardly. .so the extra marital affair of my husband helped me to make a move. It was Allah’s plan on me. But you know, when you really love someone, this thing of leaving him was not an easy thing at all. It was a real test. I decided at a moment, because of my pain I was enduring with the decision of leaving him to walk back! I even asked my husband to learn about Islam, to please make an effort so that I do not have to leave him. And instead of him having to ask for apology for what he did, it was me who was asking him for forgiveness. I could not recognize myself. It was paining a lot to have to separate. I was looking for all alternatives to save my couple. This was a very hard time indeed. I even accepted to stay in a different room, but under the same roof and at the same time teaching him Islam, for three years! 3 years I did sabar(patience), I accepted to cook food for him, I accepted to give him my house and all my belongings and I was everyday supplicating to him to accept Islam, I accepted he had the lady as wife too, I accepted all sacrifices….!!!

But one day, when as usual, after fajar, I went to his room to show him the so beautiful verses of the qur’an, concerning the Christians, he pushed my Qur’an forcefully. It was on that day with lots of pain that I stopped my efforts towards him. I could not bear to see him pushing my Qur’an; I was very angry inside, very angry. Things worsen with days. He left Mauritius for Madagascar. I had no money at all. I had a daughter. We had to drink water and eat bread which is offered at school. My husband was again having an affair in Madagascar. I again felt weak when I heard what he was doing. He was like a child to me. I don’t know how much I loved him, so that, I again made a move towards him. I went to Madagascar to help him see he was wrong. You know, I was feeling guilty it was because of me he was searching for love from anybody who come his way! For him I betrayed him! He was saying that he left everything for me and now see what I was doing to him…on my side I cared for him but I could not live with him if he do not adopt Islam and this I was unable to explain this nor help in any manner…I just was thinking again about God’s word: if he guides someone who can misguide n if he don’t want guidance for someone who can remove the seal in their heart?!! It was painful not to have the key to change this…

He ill treated me in Madagascar, I was not recognizing him. The lady he was entertaining, was asking that I leave Madagascar and my husband hugged her to console her saying: she (me) is only my wife on paper! That was really very very difficult to bear…I think Allah was permitting this only to help me leave him…

I therefore came back to Mauritius. I suffered a lot, no food, no money, and I had a daughter of 2yrs old to look after. Mentally I was finished. I only had to leave Islam and I would have my husband back, money, a car, and the love and affection of my husband….but u know what I chose?....i was ready, no more love was there for any one in my heart, except the love for Allah and his prophet and all my Muslims friends…..so I told my husband of my strict intention to accept to leave him and to go and read the shahada… I am at this moment weeping lots; tears are running down my cheeks. I did not want to recall, this is why half way I stopped. I was thinking about many episodes who were flashing back, and I stopped last time. I was remembering a moment when I had nothing in the kitchen to give to my child. My husband was refusing to send me money. I remember myself walking across private lands to cut leafy vegetables growing and bring home to cook.

At that very moment, my parents added fuel to my sufferings. They too were ill treating me. They started supporting my husband instead, only because he converted to Christianity, so they loved him more than me. In fact they detested me a lot. When my husband came back from Madagascar, my parents supported him in court to remove my child from me. They accused me of beating my child to read the Qur’an…they accused me of being extremist!! And when I was going to court in my jilbab, I was seen by the judge as a disgusting woman…I had to bear all this …my jilbab and hijab was betraying me and was confirming the words of my husband and family, and when you have your own mother against you and helping your husband, not only it hurts but it gives credit to the words of my husband in court!! A mother helping his son in law and condemning her own daughter!!…, this is the last thing you can do to a mother, removing her child from her! Allah says He won’t give you emaan like this. He will test you with all what you love, 1. Your money, 2. Your husband or wife, 3. Your sons, 4. Your health…

So after suffering from lack of food, and money, from separation of my husband with divorce, now I was faced with the separation of my child from me! I don’t know how I passed all these tests, as only weapon, I recall myself weeping whole day, whole night. Then what I did is to accept what was decreed from Allah for me…so I told them in court that I am accepting they take my child, and that all what they are doing to me is not coming from them to me, and that if Allah did not permit this , nobody could have been able to do this to me…and that it is Allah who is testing me with the one I love the most, my child…so I am surrendering…they were all shocked…and I left the court, satisfied being able to held high my deen but wrecked as a weak mother!!!

Moreover, in my work, my employer being the roman catholic education authority, I had to undergo pressure and the threat of losing my job, now only because I started wearing hijab! They were asking me to remove my veil. Again I accepted to face all humiliation, all kinds of words, all kinds of injustices..They promote all Christians except me. I accepted this too. It was a stress, I was constantly being reminded I work in a Christian school and they have their specificity and that I am Jesus betrayer! I was running the risk of losing my job, my only bread winner, having no parents with me…I did not remove my hijab….never will I …and up to now they have not been able to put me out..

And then with years, living alone, I had difficulties when there were things I could not do for example things normally meant for men (1) to fetch gas cylinders for cooking when it finishes, (2) to repair electric wires broken in the house, then I needed my neighbors. They were Muslims. This is when, I met my 2nd husband. He started loving me. His parents did not accept me because I was an already married woman and being revert, for them I had no Muslim blood!! They were very narrow minded people. I cut my relations with him. He could not bear this and proposed I marry him among friends only without letting his parents know, and that he will let them know later, about the nikah. You know, being alone, he was my only support. I did not have any parents, no child, so not to lose this only support, I accepted in my weaknesses. He was 9 yrs younger than me but when I fell pregnant; he started to fear his parents and asked me to abort the child! I refused. Another episode now, that of being beaten by him to go and get rid of the child. The child was a problem for him. His parents would know and he would lose all what he should inherit as fortune by his parents. I suffered much atrocities but I did not abort. I got the support of another neighbor who made me come to her house and helped me during pregnancy and even after birth. For 7 yrs, the 2nd husband did not give me talaaq. He even went to seek the help of my parents to remove this 2nd child from me. I started doing tahajud, I wept to Allah asking Him not to make me endure the test of losing my child again…I wept all the tears of my body…and Allah subanahu wa tallah , for whom I will always be grateful, answered my prayer..My 2nd husband forgets to come on the scheduled date fixed by the court to hear him…ALLAHU AKBAR!! My case was dismissed and he loses all rights to see the child because the court sees this absence of him as an act of disinterest for the child, of him!! Alhamdulilah I could sleep in peace! It was a real miracle. He forgets the date, even though he had his own sister as lawyer and his uncle as notary!!! No one remembered the date, no one was present in court on that day, they all forgot!! Up to now I ponder on what Allah can do if He really wants!!

I was also tested with my health. I am health and physical education instructor, and once while executing a jump in the stadium; I tore my medial meniscus in my knee. I feared again for my future because I have no one on my side, I had no money to get operated. Then while talking about my conversion to a newspaper, somebody came and paid the operation, alhamdulilah.
U see I have been tested with everything for the diamond I got..emaan!! But I am now happy and living peacefully, alone yes but happy to have got imaan. Nothing is as valuable to my eyes as this. I don’t know how to thank Allah for this gift. Pray for me I stay in swiratwal mustaqeem till I die, inchallah. U see I have not gain imaan easily… I have strived to read kalima shahada, I have strived and is still striving to wear my Islamic dress, I still am hiding myself to do my swalaat in my job in time, this is why I can’t understand born Muslim who has the freedom to do all this but don’t!! I will forever be thankful to Allah; I even thank HIM for the pains I endured, because it is those pains that mould me into a Muslim! I also thank Him for all the support I got from my sisters and brothers in Islam, in my moments of sorrows because while He was sending me tests, He also sends me support along with the pain!!

I will be thankful to HIM forever
@God_Is_Formless
When did you get married?