Marriage

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I was married with a man like that for 8 years... Please, don't lose your self for the benefit of someone else! If you feel you are so in love, seek therapy before getting married and save yourself a whole lot of headache.
Thank you.

I appreciate your guidance.
 

DevaWolf

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The key to succesful marriage is preferring your partner over yourself. If both individuals do this then everyone is happy as each person is always looking out for the needs and wants of the other person. For my wife and I it's almost like a competition to see who can do more for the other person. Christmas and birthdays can be dangerous, so we usually set a budget cap ahead of time. But it's not just about gifts. It's about doing things for each other without being asked and noticing needs and meeting them before the are brought up.

Also understanding that men and women have different needs. Women generally need to feel adored, where men generally need to feel respected.

21 happy years and counting!
Yes that's exactly what we do too, our marriage is also very happy. A rabbi I heard on tv once said ' a succesful marriage is both people giving 100%, not both giving 50%''. That's what we do.
 

ishigo

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I'm just gonna drop this here.
A vice article about conjugal visit bedrooms in prisons. Apparently men don't visit their wives in prison. What's even sadder is these women are probably locked up bc of their husband or boyfriend. And women are expected to be ride or dies for their convict man.
vice rticle.png
source
 

Camidria

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I am engaged. But I am in a relationship where if I do or say something that my fiance doesn't like I will get cut off for days. It's really hard when your boo has no communication skills
I know I am a little late to the conversation but ask yourself this - can you truly be yourself with this person FULLY? Is it easy to be yourself or do you need to walk on eggshells all the time. Has your friends told you repeatedly you have changed, does it feel like your love for life is out of reach? Does he bring out the best in you and inspire you to be a better person? Do you feel you can accomplish so much more with him by your side and you can bring the best out in him?

If your answers is negative to these then let him go, you will spare yourself years of heartache waiting for him to change - it won't happen. If he cannot accept you for who you are and gently talk to you about legitimate issues then it's not worth it. A relationship where you cannot talk things out or where things gets bottled up is extremely unhealthy and doomed to fail.

Communication and honestly is some of the biggest foundations to a successful relationship, there are bad habits / little things in all of us that our spouses helps to change by talking things out and being honest. Just staying silent or oppressing core personality traits in another person by silent manipulation is the worst anybody can do to you, you end up in huge fights because of bottled up heartache.

I see red flags, rather don't marry this guy!
 

Dalit

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Also Tiffany Buckner (Anointed Fire on YouTube) describes a punishing person as a narcissist or of the Jezebel/Ahab personality. Another reason to separate from such unless that person really does wake up, realize what he/she has done, and gets therapy to change those tendencies.
 

Moreaboutyou

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I know I am a little late to the conversation but ask yourself this - can you truly be yourself with this person FULLY? Is it easy to be yourself or do you need to walk on eggshells all the time. Has your friends told you repeatedly you have changed, does it feel like your love for life is out of reach? Does he bring out the best in you and inspire you to be a better person? Do you feel you can accomplish so much more with him by your side and you can bring the best out in him?

If your answers is negative to these then let him go, you will spare yourself years of heartache waiting for him to change - it won't happen. If he cannot accept you for who you are and gently talk to you about legitimate issues then it's not worth it. A relationship where you cannot talk things out or where things gets bottled up is extremely unhealthy and doomed to fail.

Communication and honestly is some of the biggest foundations to a successful relationship, there are bad habits / little things in all of us that our spouses helps to change by talking things out and being honest. Just staying silent or oppressing core personality traits in another person by silent manipulation is the worst anybody can do to you, you end up in huge fights because of bottled up heartache.

I see red flags, rather don't marry this guy!
Yeah it has been rocky as all get up. He is recommitting his life to God, and I have seen great change thus far. I pray that he continues to grow with God so that we can move forward.

If things continue the way they were I will have to leave.
 

Moreaboutyou

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Also Tiffany Buckner (Anointed Fire on YouTube) describes a punishing person as a narcissist or of the Jezebel/Ahab personality. Another reason to separate from such unless that person really does wake up, realize what he/she has done, and gets therapy to change those tendencies.
It is not the love that Jesus shows me that is for sure. My husband will need to love me the way Christ loved the church. The way he was treating me was the exact opposite. I pray that he grows up and that we can move past this rough spot together. But if not I will have to do what is best for me.
 

Camidria

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Yeah it has been rocky as all get up. He is recommitting his life to God, and I have seen great change thus far. I pray that he continues to grow with God so that we can move forward.

If things continue the way they were I will have to leave.
That is great, stay prayerful, ask God to show you if you need to go - change can sometimes take many many years. Sometimes the guy changes just a little bit, and when you are married they revert back. So pray, perhaps give it a timeframe (I gave it 8 months back in the day with they other guy I had a soul tie with) after that we ended it. I will also pray for you that God will take him away if he is just going to hurt you!
 

Moreaboutyou

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That is great, stay prayerful, ask God to show you if you need to go - change can sometimes take many many years. Sometimes the guy changes just a little bit, and when you are married they revert back. So pray, perhaps give it a timeframe (I gave it 8 months back in the day with they other guy I had a soul tie with) after that we ended it. I will also pray for you that God will take him away if he is just going to hurt you!
Thank you so much. I appreciate that more than you know. God will see me through, I will be exactly where I need to be in his name.
 

Lisa

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That is great, stay prayerful, ask God to show you if you need to go - change can sometimes take many many years. Sometimes the guy changes just a little bit, and when you are married they revert back. So pray, perhaps give it a timeframe (I gave it 8 months back in the day with they other guy I had a soul tie with) after that we ended it. I will also pray for you that God will take him away if he is just going to hurt you!
God took 20 years to change my relationship with my husband..sometimes He asks you to trust Him for longer than 8 months..
 

Camidria

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God took 20 years to change my relationship with my husband..sometimes He asks you to trust Him for longer than 8 months..
In my case we were together two years before I gave the relationship 8 extra months, my personality was suppressed immensely, if I would have stayed with my ex I as a person would have had to suppress my extrovertedness - changed the core of who I am, my personality and be happy with a husband who had no relationship with God. The price was to big to give up who God made me to be and change into someone I am not, I am happy I trusted God with a husband more suited to me, who shares my dreams and helps me be the best I can be. If someone is prepared to count the cost and endure hardship then wow, I am happy for you and you have way more endurance than me. 20 Years would have destroyed me completely with my ex.
 

Lisa

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In my case we were together two years before I gave the relationship 8 extra months, my personality was suppressed immensely, if I would have stayed with my ex I as a person would have had to suppress my extrovertedness - changed the core of who I am, my personality and be happy with a husband who had no relationship with God. The price was to big to give up who God made me to be and change into someone I am not, I am happy I trusted God with a husband more suited to me, who shares my dreams and helps me be the best I can be. If someone is prepared to count the cost and endure hardship then wow, I am happy for you and you have way more endurance than me. 20 Years would have destroyed me completely with my ex.
Ya the 20 years was a hardship no question but I trusted that He had the plan and I really wanted my marriage to work out so I had been praying for God to change my marriage so I could be happy. Then it became that He would knit our hearts together and then it became please knit our hearts together with His in love. I could never have in a million years predicted where the relationship would go because it got worse before it got better.

At the same time a Christian lady I knew who lived a block over was having her own marriage problems and she started seeing a Christian shrink to work out the problems in her marriage. She ended up divorcing her husband but I stayed with my marriage and hoped that God would work it out. It was like God was showing me that what she did, she did without Him.

It seems to me that God takes His time changing people and moving in our lives. I think of Abraham waiting for that promised son, Joseph waiting in a prison for a crime he didn’t commit, Moses giving up on freeing his people and David running from Saul for years. Often there is pain in our learning to trust God.

I think of the verse that talks about you don’t know wife if you will save your husband so I can’t really say that you were right to divorce. I understand you were in pain and suffering and that that might sound cold but I also think that God could have helped you without divorce.
 

Robin

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Ya the 20 years was a hardship no question but I trusted that He had the plan and I really wanted my marriage to work out so I had been praying for God to change my marriage so I could be happy. Then it became that He would knit our hearts together and then it became please knit our hearts together with His in love. I could never have in a million years predicted where the relationship would go because it got worse before it got better.

At the same time a Christian lady I knew who lived a block over was having her own marriage problems and she started seeing a Christian shrink to work out the problems in her marriage. She ended up divorcing her husband but I stayed with my marriage and hoped that God would work it out. It was like God was showing me that what she did, she did without Him.

It seems to me that God takes His time changing people and moving in our lives. I think of Abraham waiting for that promised son, Joseph waiting in a prison for a crime he didn’t commit, Moses giving up on freeing his people and David running from Saul for years. Often there is pain in our learning to trust God.

I think of the verse that talks about you don’t know wife if you will save your husband so I can’t really say that you were right to divorce. I understand you were in pain and suffering and that that might sound cold but I also think that God could have helped you without divorce.
No offence Lisa but God's plan for one person is not the same plan for another. There are many Christian people who died in abusive relationships, people who even lost their lives at the hands of their partner. Were they right to stay there? Just because you believe God saved your marriage doesn't mean your marriage is now the blueprint for every other. People pray for many things but they dont always happen for them -staying in a potentually abusive or draining relationship for no other reason than hoping God fixes it not only makes no sense but can be dangerous.
 

Lisa

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No offence Lisa but God's plan for one person is not the same plan for another. There are many Christian people who died in abusive relationships, people who even lost their lives at the hands of their partner. Were they right to stay there? Just because you believe God saved your marriage doesn't mean your marriage is now the blueprint for every other. People pray for many things but they dont always happen for them -staying in a potentually abusive or draining relationship for no other reason than hoping God fixes it not only makes no sense but can be dangerous.
Do you think God has different plans for people who marry? That @Camidria ’s relationship was too hard for God to fix..so He set her up with someone else? Because that’s what you’re actually saying when you say God can’t fix them all.

You’re talking hypothetical generalizations here when you say woman have died in abusive relationships. Did they know God and were they following God? I don’t know, because its a generalization. I wasn’t being physically abused but I was mentally abused by not just my husband. I also had no one to turn to either, but God, so that’s probably what helped me realize that only God could help me out.

We all have the human thought that everyone should be happy and that they should leave abusive relationships...God has the thought that He can redeem and restore people and relationships...quite different. I would also never had thought I would be talking to some of the relatives I am talking to now, and am open to talking to my brother, that’s a God thing right there, its not me. God, in His good timing brings things to pass and to pass on that in order to get happiness now is a mistake.
 

Robin

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Do you think God has different plans for people who marry? That @Camidria ’s relationship was too hard for God to fix..so He set her up with someone else? Because that’s what you’re actually saying when you say God can’t fix them all.
What I'm saying is even Christians can marry the wrong people. Free will remember? Can divorce not be part of His plan then? I agree that originally divorce wasn't supposed to happen but it is allowed now "because of the hardness of their hearts". Are you saying God stops every single thing that goes against his will? Does God have the potential to fix every broken marriage on Earth? Yes, of course He does. He also has the potential to stop every evil act from occurring as well but unfortunately that isn't going to happen any time soon.

You’re talking hypothetical generalizations here when you say woman have died in abusive relationships.
https://www.thehotline.org/resources/statistics/

Did they know God and were they following God?
Does it matter? I've been in enough churches to know there are Christian women who have been in abusive marriages.

I don’t know, because its a generalization. I wasn’t being physically abused but I was mentally abused by not just my husband. I also had no one to turn to either, but God, so that’s probably what helped me realize that only God could help me out.
And there's nothing wrong with that, of course He can. And it's great that worked for you but there people who pray bitterly for help out of terrible situations and they don't change. It's not everyone's experience.

We all have the human thought that everyone should be happy and that they should leave abusive relationships...God has the thought that He can redeem and restore people and relationships...quite different. I would also never had thought I would be talking to some of the relatives I am talking to now, and am open to talking to my brother, that’s a God thing right there, its not me. God, in His good timing brings things to pass and to pass on that in order to get happiness now is a mistake.
Again this is your experience. I'm not trying to belittle that, I just think you tend to have very narrow-minded and rigid opinions based on nothing but your own experience.
 

Lisa

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What I'm saying is even Christians can marry the wrong people. Free will remember? Can divorce not be part of His plan then? I agree that originally divorce wasn't supposed to happen but it is allowed now "because of the hardness of their hearts". Are you saying God stops every single thing that goes against his will? Does God have the potential to fix every broken marriage on Earth? Yes, of course He does. He also has the potential to stop every evil act from occurring as well but unfortunately that isn't going to happen any time soon.


https://www.thehotline.org/resources/statistics/


Does it matter? I've been in enough churches to know there are Christian women who have been in abusive marriages.


And there's nothing wrong with that, of course He can. And it's great that worked for you but there people who pray bitterly for help out of terrible situations and they don't change. It's not everyone's experience.


Again this is your experience. I'm not trying to belittle that, I just think you tend to have very narrow-minded and rigid opinions based on nothing but your own experience.
Sure, Christians can marry and do marry wrong people, even the right people they marry are sinners...
I’m not saying God stops things that go against His will, but he does and He can work the bad for our good.

Why would God stop every act of evil? What would be the point in that?

I didn’t see the Christian statistics in that link...
Ya, it does matter if you’re a Christian as opposed to a non Christian..a Christian is taught that their hope is in God not just in divorcing and finding someone new...

I can only speak to what I know that God has done for me and I do think that God wants to help everyone after all His Son is the One who says “Come to me all who are weary and heavy laden and I will give you rest.” Why would He offer and then say, nope, just get that divorce and I’ll send you another? Doesn’t make sense to me.

Isn’t that what people do, they talk about things that happened to them? Relate their experiences. I know how God is because He’s shown me in His relationship with me, I’m just passing that along.
 

Robin

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Sure, Christians can marry and do marry wrong people, even the right people they marry are sinners...
I’m not saying God stops things that go against His will, but he does and He can work the bad for our good.
So does He change His mind? If I go against His will by marrying the wrong man and end up in a terrible marriage, and let's say hypothetically that God had another man in mind for me . . . Do I stay in that marriage praying He works everything out? Is divorce always a no-no?

Why would God stop every act of evil? What would be the point in that?
Oh, I don't know . . . Maybe stopping innocent people from getting hurt or even being killed? If you claim people should trust Him and stay married regardless of the state of their relationships then why are there people who are in more dire and dangerous situations and still see no change?

I didn’t see the Christian statistics in that link...
So? You said I was using a hypothetical generalisation when I mentioned women dying in abusive relationships. Intimate partner violence is a very real problem.

Ya, it does matter if you’re a Christian as opposed to a non Christian..a Christian is taught that their hope is in God not just in divorcing and finding someone new...
But people still get abused regardless of whether they are a Christian or not.

I can only speak to what I know that God has done for me and I do think that God wants to help everyone after all His Son is the One who says “Come to me all who are weary and heavy laden and I will give you rest.” Why would He offer and then say, nope, just get that divorce and I’ll send you another? Doesn’t make sense to me.
Maybe because you're not God. So let me get this straight . . .even in a physically abusive relationship you wouldn't condone divorce?

Isn’t that what people do, they talk about things that happened to them? Relate their experiences. I know how God is because He’s shown me in His relationship with me, I’m just passing that along.
You're not just passing your own experiences along, you make broad statements about marriage and relationships as they apply to everyone.
 

Camidria

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I think of the verse that talks about you don’t know wife if you will save your husband so I can’t really say that you were right to divorce. I understand you were in pain and suffering and that that might sound cold but I also think that God could have helped you without divorce.
I did not marry my ex, he was just my boyfriend, we were in a serious relationship and he wanted to ask me to marry him but before that happened I told him what bothered me. So I didn't divorce him, no ring no marriage, just a break up with a boyfriend.
 
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