forgiveness

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morita said:
Forgiving is super hard even though people say it's necessary in order to move on. How did you learn to do it?
(asking for a friend)
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It's a two way street. The offender needs to show remorse and try to make amends. And the offended needs to try to accept that it was a mistake or something like that.
 
Dalit

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Lurker said:
It's a two way street. The offender needs to show remorse and try to make amends. And the offended needs to try to accept that it was a mistake or something like that.
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Yes and no. If the offender never shows remorse, forgiveness is still necessary to set yourself free. Yet, for reconciliation, the offender should show a real change of heart.

Example: there's a malignant narcissist I've known since I was 19. Have had an off-on relationship with him until I turned 40 and decided to cut off all toxic people. I forgave him, but he has no access. Plus, have seen him take a dump (emotionally and spiritually speaking) on mutual friends and have told them they shouldn't tolerate it but some of them do. Others have cut him off, too. One has her husband protect her from him. I'm having to forgive him again bc he tried to weasel his way back into my life recently. Anyway, forgiveness doesn't equal reconciliation. Trust has to be earned. There are some people you shouldn't trust at all. But to forgive is the only way you can set yourself free.
 
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Dalit said:
Yes and no. If the offender never shows remorse, forgiveness is still necessary to set yourself free. Yet, for reconciliation, the offender should show a real change of heart.

Example: there's a malignant narcissist I've known since I was 19. Have had an off-on relationship with him until I turned 40 and decided to cut off all toxic people. I forgave him, but he has no access. Plus, have seen him take a dump (emotionally and spiritually speaking) on mutual friends and have told them they shouldn't tolerate it but some of them do. Others have cut him off, too. One has her husband protect her from him. I'm having to forgive him again bc he tried to weasel his way back into my life recently. Anyway, forgiveness doesn't equal reconciliation. Trust has to be earned. There are some people you shouldn't trust at all. But to forgive is the only way you can set yourself free.
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Not sure how you can forgive a MN as they are least likely to show remorse and make amends.
 
Dalit

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This may help, even though it is "religious" or Christian, yet this guy is just cool and has kind of a soothing voice.



THE FOUR DECISIONS 1. Forgive (doesn't require forgetting, trusting or restoring the relationship blindly) 2. Take Responsibility (evidenced by not making progress, requires humility to not pigeonhole oneself as "the victim" ) 3. Let Go (of what is unhealthy, unproductive and dead) 4. Just Do It (stop procrastinating, realize that no one else can do it for you)
 
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Narcissists are the absolute worst! Treat you like trash when you hang around. Act like you're the bad guy and try to ruin you if you cut them off. Sociopathic monsters...

I came accross one like that. The truth of the matter is he knew better, he just acted a fool bc he was good looking and was sure people would still gravitate twds him no matter what. The moment I Ieft him his ego shriveled up.
These people are like vampires, they need to feed off of other people's energy. Ideally someone who will take their bullshit, and will serve as collateral damage in their egocentrism. Without someone to latch onto they're nothing.

Dalit said:
I'm having to forgive him again bc he tried to weasel his way back into my life recently.
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Yes toxic people will always try to find their way back into your life. All you can do is severe boundaries, ignore them until they finally get it. I find the best way is to not engage and protect yourself from their poisonous energy. These people are called "toxic" for a reason.
 
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morita

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Anyway, forgiveness doesn't equal reconciliation.
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I feel that way too. It's hard to let people go sometimes but I've come to realize some people will never appreciate me for who I am, they only appreciate what I can do for them. That's a tough lesson but the world is like that. All you can do is move on.
 
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Lisa

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It is hard to forgive people who aren’t sorry...too bad this isn’t in the religious section.

Can you really forgive people who aren’t sorry?
 
Maes17

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morita said:
Forgiving is super hard even though people say it's necessary in order to move on. How did you learn to do it?
(asking for a friend)
Click to expand...
Well what worked for me is I stopped holding grudges. I have one major beef and that is against my neighbor for sparking a physical confrontation. But I also knowledge she lives poverty and resorts to multiple men/drugs to scrape her by.


At that, yeah just dont hold grudges for the most part. Before I had my son, I was constantly angry over small things. I realized one day, life is too short to be angry. That led to me forgiving people and myself.

You don’t necessarily have to talk to the person. You can cut them out of your life at that too. That is something you do have control over.

Move on.

:)
 
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morita

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Lisa said:
It is hard to forgive people who aren’t sorry...too bad this isn’t in the religious section.

Can you really forgive people who aren’t sorry?
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If they're not sorry they're not to be trusted
 
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