A longer account of my seeing through the matrix, and what I believe it actually means

sim hae

Mar 15, 2018

Right, this is the first in what I plan to be two threads that I will start. It would have been three, but, thankfully, returning to this transcript of a conversation I had a few years back, I’m glad that past-me pretty much nailed a lot of the points I wanted to make. If you’ve been following why I’m actually on this forum, it is to share an extraordinary experience I had nearly three years ago, where I ended up seeing through the matrix.

As daft as it sounds to write the following words, and I hope I don’t end up regretting this…. there is a very high possibility that I may actually be the son of man. Not now – now I am a mere mortal, but when I break through the matrix again, I have very big plans to dismantle the devil’s wicked system so fast it will make his head spin.

Even if I’ve wrongly interpreted the signs that I have seen that point to me being the second coming (in the future - I remain a deeply flawed individual now, but I achieved greatness and am confident I will achieve it again), at the very least I know this for a fact:

  • I saw through the matrix. Therefore, I know God is real and doesn’t want to punish anybody. (I explained this briefly in the “why we are in this mess, and how to get out of it” post) Since I kept seeing loads of synchronicities, it occurred to me that whoever it is responsible for these couldn’t be anything other than a higher power.
  • I didn’t see through the matrix for no reason whatsoever. Obviously I have a job here and the first step is sharing my experience. Maybe somebody else will break through the matrix before me, but I have the knowledge to help everybody do so... I hold in my metaphorical hands the keys to the kingdom, and I must share this knowledge. It’s hard being a conspiracy theorist. The relentless doom and gloom. But, I found hope and I wish to give others hope. There will be big change within a decade. Having seen through the matrix before, I know what it takes to do it again, but this does not necessarily mean that I will be the first one to break through proper.
  • Whoever it is who does manage to see through the matrix first will be able to help others do so, causing a domino effect that changes the face of the planet – the true nature of “twin flame” relationships that new age/spiritual sites talk about. This first person I believe to do this will be a man, no offence ladies, but there are reasons for this which shall be explained (maybe not in these two threads I intend to publish simultaneously, though). A world of true equality is on the horizon for us all, though [one man breaks through the matrix and then helps a woman break through with them – they form a true “twin flame” relationship and are bonded until the end of whatever this experience on Earth is, then help others do the same – it’s a joint effort, trust me, and this concerns women too because we all need to raise our game – this is also the true meaning of Genesis 2:24, “That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.” (NIV) – not marriage in the mocking, satanic sense we believe it to be now, the ring of Saturn/satan that people who get married wear being an outer symbol of this sick joke, but the true nature of literally making love – and why Ephesians 5:31-32 referred to the “mystery” of that passage… (I had a little debate with a Bible Study lady in HMP Dovegate about this passage, and was amazed how low she sank when I disagreed with her. Yet another hypocritical phony phoning it in. But that’s another story.) Further, as one or both parties is seeing through the matrix, they will know exactly what the other person wants, so the lovemaking will be the most sweetest, exquisite lovemaking possible]. As I wrote during the time I did see through the matrix: “This is the dawn of the age of Aquarius, where everything flows like water and everybody finds their natural groove. The age of one person oppressing other, of man oppressing woman, strong oppressing weak, white oppressing black [and all other races] … is over”. I had a Christian tell me the Age of Aquarius was a pagan thing, but to truly understand what’s going on you’ve got to take a step back out of your faith and look at the bigger picture. No one faith has all the answers, and this is by the devil’s design.
The entire picture of what happened to me won’t be built up until I’ve written the two threads. In fact, I’ll probably forget a lot, but to go over the cringeworthy letters I wrote at the time… not an easy task for me! Please reserve judgment and mocking until then, please. I went through a lot of pain, struggle, and what I consider to be human rights violations for what I experienced…. All because I found a better way. So, whilst you’re entitled to your opinion… cut me some slack, please. I don’t need the aggro, I’ve already experienced enough… shills and trolls are more than welcome to spout their bullshit, too.

I am willing to answer any questions people have about all this.

I’ve got some practical advice for how to see through the matrix, I remember I had a sheet of paper called “HOW I GOT TO THIS LEVEL” where I crammed everything I could onto it (I think at the time all I had in my cell was three sheets of paper and a pen!), but all that can come later, though I may tack a few notes I’ve written down onto the end of this post.

To get the full picture, you need to read both threads I will start, because I go into more detail about some very important points in the other thread (synchronicities I experienced during seeing through the matrix, the signs that point to me being the son of man, etc.).

I know to a lot of people on this forum I’ve probably come across as being an argumentative prick but I’m here to get a message out, the most important message there is. I apologise to anybody I offended and can assure you that I bear you no ill will. I don’t want this to become some sort of white Christian circle-jerk - it concerns us all, no matter what your race, colour, creed, gender, sexuality, inside leg measurement ….

Even though I may refer rather disparagingly to the prison authorities who put me in the segregation unit (block) for two months and told me that the only way out was a mental hospital, in the end all I really can do is forgive. They gave me two more pieces of the puzzle – the time I spent in the block and the mental hospital helped to erase two prejudices that I might normally have had, and it was the only option I was going to get to have these experiences. Even though I still feel anger sometimes towards these well-meaning idiots who treated me so shockingly bad (and being lied to greatly by the shrinks who had already made a decision about my mental state before I even walked through the door was absolutely shocking, for one thing), it was all part of God’s plan and I am lucky I experienced what I did, even if it was exceedingly frustrating at the time.

If you have any trouble wrapping your head around what I’m saying because it conflicts with your beliefs, remember this quote from Little Light from this very forum: “Satan’s strategy has always been to get people to disbelieve God, doubt the truth, and follow Satan’s deceptions instead”

What follows is a transcription of the conversation I referenced on the “YOU MUST READ THIS” post which I wrote when I decided to just come out and say what happened to me. Forthcoming will be a shorter “Cliff’s’ Notes” type deal which was a letter I sent to an erstwhile friend who ended up trying to defraud me of £800 (hey, this is what happens when you make friends in prison). I can’t say it’s easy to go back to, because it’s pretty pathetic falling for a woman who has no interest in you, especially when you already have a woman you already have two children with. I do come across as a bit of a prick, but to many reading this, they’ll probably wonder what’s new, right?! But, mitigating, I can always blame the mind bending drugs that I was smoking severely at the time.

I decided to record this conversation because I thought it would come in handy one day. It turned out that I’d already transcribed most of it (the document was last modified on 11/11/2016 and ended on Page 11 of 11, which I took to be good signs – the significance of 1111 to me is explained further in the other thread I will publish at the same time as this one). I go on a lot about things that aren’t really pertinent I guess, but it builds up a picture of the full story. It’s not particularly well written because its written how I speak, and I was under the influence at the time, and, although there’s a part of me that wants to edit this to oblivion, the message has to come out. Thanks to Sharon for listening:

Bits in square brackets are notes that I am adding now… oh yeah, and there is swearing but its main purpose is to convey the emotions and thought processes I was having at the time.

Here’s a timeline of events to make things clearer: for six days I saw through the matrix in Spring 2015. Halfway through this, I was transferred out of HMP Sudbury, an open prison, and shipped back to HMP Dovegate, a closed prison. I was in HMP Dovegate for 10 days before I got shipped to HMP Oakwood (I was now a Cat-C prisoner and Dovegate was a Cat-B prison, so I couldn’t stay there). After nearly two months on the wings, I was transferred to the segregation unit where I stayed for two months. Then, I was transferred to a low secure mental hospital for the final two months of my three year prison sentence. Screws are prison officers in case anybody doesn’t know. If I was going about saying what I was saying if I was a free man, I wouldn’t have been transferred to a mental hospital because you can only be sectioned if you are considered a danger to yourself or others. However, because I was under the care of the prison system, you can also be sectioned for deterioration of mental health, and, so they said, because of their “duty of care” (how I grew to hate those words), that’s why I got sectioned under the Mental Health Act.

Here we go. Put the kettle on because it’s a long one, but so worth it (if it’s too long for you, read the other thread. If you’re not convinced, come back and read this):

There are certain thinkers out there now who say there can’t be any morality without religion, which is to say that if people don’t believe in a higher power, there is nothing to keep them from being bad. It’s the whole idea of being God fearing. Now, I personally don’t agree with that, because in the enlightenment era there was the French philosopher Emmanuel Kant and he talked about ethics and he talked about something called the categorical imperative and he talked about: how can you determine if an action is good or bad? Think about lying for example, you think: if I lied all the time would it be a good thing or a bad thing? But now, take this viewpoint and expand it to everybody, if everybody lied all the time would that have a satisfactory outcome? No, it’s clearly bad, so we know that lying is wrong. Now, Kantian ethics was a system of moral behaviour (Kant had a framework for ethics) that did not have any belief in a higher power. And so really, the essence of it was, treat people as you want to be treated, which is what Jesus said.

So, people say you can’t necessarily be a good person unless there’s religion involved and I think that’s bollocks because... the thing with me is I’ve been into conspiracy theories (fact finding) for about 10 years, wanting to know more about what’s really going on in the world and everything, read a lot of stuff about the occult and things like that, I even did consider becoming a satanist at one point to understand more about what was going on in the world, because I believe it’s run by devil worshippers ... and that’s what conspiracy theories (the real ones anyway) are – it’s basically keeping tabs on what the devil’s up to these days, because it’s all basically the devil’s plan against God.

I say all this because I’ve always tried to be a good person [yes, even though I went to prison, but I went to prison as I was selling legal highs from a website but got caught with overstock when it was made illegal, stock I kept as I was getting high off my own supply – but you cannot claim that the quantity I was caught with was for personal use – I can understand now how this ruined people’s lives, but essentially I was giving people what they wanted, and I offered a high quality, overweight, uncut product at a very fair and reasonable price, and my customer service was top notch – I was probably the most ethical dealer ever] even though I didn’t believe in a higher power. And then when I was in prison, I converted to Buddhism because I wanted to do the meditation (as meditation was incorporated into a pagan system that I was working through at the time) and the fact that there was no dogma, or at least very minimal dogma, that I had to accept as true was very much appealing. There were the four precepts and the eight noble truths but they’re more a framework for how to conduct yourself rather than a holy book with stories in that you have to believe. The thing I didn’t like, however, necessarily, was the belief in reincarnation because once again I’m asked to accept a fact that I can’t really know is true or not for sure no matter how much I ponder. [Also, I didn’t agree with the whole “prostrating yourself before Buddha before meditating” thing]

Whereas a lot of the time with Christianity it’s a case of “this was in the Bible, that was in the Bible”, there’s nothing about actually making steps yourself to try to be a better person, [Now, I know that there’s a lot of moral instruction in the bible, especially from Jesus, but this tends to be overlooked - I’m talking about Christianity as it is taught in mass (from my experience) –or should I say “en masse”? – not “be nice” but stuff like “pray a lot. Read the Psalms. Blah Blah…”] but in Buddhism there is, the only problem with it is the denial of the existence of a higher power. So I was trying to be a good person and I was in Sudbury [the Category-D open prison where I was to finish my prison sentence] which is a really nice environment, after a while, especially when I got my single cell and moved to a quiet wing (or what were called spurs in this particular jail), I found that for months I hadn’t had any bad thoughts against people (as you would in closed prison/cat D normal wings – for example, there was a guy called Craig who blared music out. I liked him, but his attitude was “if you don’t like it, get off the wing” … punishment for all the times I blared music out at that age, I guess!). So then I started to work in a charity shop, on the mandatory charity placement that you have to go on before you were allowed to have a proper paid job whilst still living in the prison, and there was a woman there who I went and fell for but there wasn’t actually anything that was going on between us, but for about four months I’d been smoking the legal high herbal incense that we colloquially called “mamba” in prison [Exodus Damnation to be exact]. I was going out on a home leave, buying it in bulk, having it sent to the shop I was working at, processing it in the kitchen of the shop, and bringing it into the jail for my friend to sell. And that’s what we were doing. [I was coerced into doing this by a friend who was a true mamba-hound, but I have no ill will towards him] So, I had this woman’s number and I was texting her and everything, and after a while I started to feel really, really, really good. Just really, really nice. Like fantastic, amazing. It felt like I was a god amongst men, it was really weird. It was because of the way this woman made me feel. But it was actually a combination of two things – the way she made me feel, but that was false because I was influenced by the drugs I was taking. I over idealised her, glossed over things (not in a bad way!!!), got things a little twisted, I’d been in jail for 3 years and starved of female company anyway. So that makes it easy for people to dismiss my experience as “oh, it was just drugs”, but it wasn’t, I actually got an idea of what it’s like to achieve this higher level and it is possible for everyone to achieve this level, and once the apocalypse has happened (yep, that), I believe that all who remain are going to be on this level, and it’s a brilliant level to be at. [I don’t necessarily believe in a final judgement but when humanity rises the devil will fight harder and that’s WW3]

So, I’m starting to feel this way about this particular woman.... when I started to feel really good, I realised a bit later what it was about and it was, you could say it was a process of awakening of sorts, but ... I basically became a person who had exactly the same mindset as God, so it was he who entered my body. From Thursday to Sunday I had a gradual build-up of feeling really good. On the Monday that’s when it really kicked off. That’s when I thought I could see through the matrix.

I got as close to God as it is possible to get to. And, even to say, “I saw through the matrix”, it’s such a crazy sounding statement, especially if your only frame of reference for what a “matrix” is is the film, but it is not what the film is like at all. [I actually explain more a lot later on, even though it should be here] So, I felt like I was a God and I thought “is this what real love is like?” “If both people find this love do both people feel this good?” “can everyone feel this good?” “is this how it works?”. It was only on the Wednesday night that I realised that I wasn’t actually a god, I was actually God, he was in my body somehow... [I understand how blasphemous this sounds but a better way to explain was that I felt full of the Holy Spirit] but I still wasn’t omnipresent or omnipotent, I didn’t have all His knowledge and experience, it’s like... to go back to the point of how He became to be inside me... Sudbury was a nice, calm environment, it was really nice to be in, everything was nice and peaceful, the prisoners in there just wanted to get on with their jail, just so they can get out. You come to an open prison at the end of your sentence, especially lifers, I had a nice single cell on a very quiet wing, everything was really nice, and I hadn’t for months had a violent thought about somebody, like if somebody disrespected me in some way and I was resentful because of it. So there was that, but also, there’s the issue of prejudice. In life, you get a lot of prejudice, people are always prejudiced against something... a lot of people... say there’s “us”, and we look down on “chavs” [a UK term for what I guess would be “trailer park trash” or what have you], or maybe we’re really chavs to other people, or whatever, and then the chavs, or us, we look down on the gypsies or somebody. Now, I’ve never been a big believer in looking down on any class perceived as being less than me or anything [an interesting statement from my mouth since it implies I feel I am “better” than some, though I don’t]. The point I’m making is that jail is a good leveller, you meet loads of kinds of people, black, Asian, gypsies [sorry, I mean travellers], posh white guys... obviously it’s skewed more towards ethnic minorities who are poor, I expect due to a mix of poverty, wrong values being instilled, and police targeting, than the posh white guy, and I met some good ones of them too, who weren’t up themselves. So, jail is a good leveller. I did still have a prejudice against Scousers though [people from Liverpool], because in the jails I was in there were a lot of Scousers, what I disliked the most was that one Scouser would said something that you couldn’t understand, but you knew was a piss-take because his mates would laugh, and you couldn’t even say anything back because you didn’t even know what the guy had said!!! There was a lot of negativity towards Scousers in a lot of the prisons I went to, though, mainly because there were a lot of them (this isn’t a reflection on Scousers, the prisons were just near Liverpool) There were a lot of good Scousers, though. [Indeed, I work very closely with one now, and he’s a diamond] Anyway, when I was on this wing in Sudbury I used to be on the same wing as, and share the charity placement bus with, this Scouser called john, and he was just slightly younger than me, and just a really really nice guy (lots of people in prison are just people who’ve done something really daft when drunk]. So, prejudice against Scousers was the last prejudice I had to get rid of, [at the time, I later found I had prejudice towards people in the block and mental hospital, which is why I had to go there] and that’s one of the things that made me think like God would, because God wouldn’t have any prejudice. [I grew up in a multicultural area and was never raised to be racist and have no prejudice towards different races, etc. but I’ve lived in a very vanilla area for a good while and it was good to mix the paint again. The big prejudice I had before jail was the typical prejudice against people who go to jail.] Explaining my tale months later, in HMP Oakwood, a sceptical listener wanted to know why God would come to a prisoner of all people. Simple, you don’t have to be an inherently bad person to go to prison, and it helps to remove prejudice as you realise that everybody is just the same (over generalisation). A lot of people look down on those in prison (I got a postcard from prison newspaper Inside Time once, and it was a guy whose hat was blowing off, looking in shock at a headline that read “tabloids praise prisoners!”) but if people who look down on prisoners went to prison they would feel differently. Well, I’d like to think that they would, but I suppose it was like when I was working in a warehouse when I was 17 and people said they didn’t like Asians, I said well what about Rangit, Parvez, Onka... our colleagues. The response was “they’re alright” so it becomes the strange game of “I hate all from a particular group apart from the ones I’ve met”... but anyway...

Also, in my mind I’d built up an idea of who this woman was, and in my mind she was the best possible woman. I was in John’s cell, helping him to fill out a form to get out on day release, and he had on the wall of his cell a quote he’d printed off which said “You don’t attract what you want, you attract what you are”, so I thought in order to attract this best possible woman, I should try to become the best possible version of myself. Now, I always tried to conduct myself in an upright manner and didn’t engage in petty and spiteful behaviour, always tried to be a nice person who helps people out, but I stopped doing all the things that I felt weren’t quite good enough... basically I lived my life thinking, if she saw me do this, what would she think? I suppose if anybody wanted to improve their behaviour they could just think “would I do this if I knew somebody was watching?” so it’s the same principle. The things I remember stopping doing were this: first, bringing drugs into the prison. I stopped it, and I stopped plugging them. [I’ll let you work out what “plugging” means] Another reason for choosing to stop doing this was that I definitely didn’t want to lie any more, not something that I ever enjoyed or did much but because I was bringing it in and my friend was selling it, people would come to me when they couldn’t find him and I had to lie and say we didn’t have any or what have you, because otherwise you have to deal with somebody who already owes you trying to coerce you for more. Other things were: I stopped pissing in the showers (yeah, I know) and, as it was spring, I got an ant infestation. I decided to clean up rather than kill a load of ants [I never understood what “Cleanliness is next to Godliness” meant before, but I think it refers to this] but I was still killing the odd one I found in my food cupboard so I stopped that too. So that’s a few things that I can remember that I did, behavioural mistakes that I corrected.

So, whilst adjusting my behaviour that’s when everything started to happen to me, but I didn’t attract this woman to me, I ended up attracting God to me as I ended up thinking exactly the way that He does. Not necessarily in my beliefs because at the time I still believed in new age ideas (I didn’t even believe in God, for example, no heaven and hell [still a bit shaky about that, but I have theories], and believed ideas about the nature of reality from Icke/A Course In Miracles), but in how I decided to conduct myself towards others [edit: an how I thought about others].

So, the change within me was really triggered on the Monday, because that was the day when I started to see through the matrix. Here is the crux of it: I didn’t have to eat, sleep, or drink any more. I did still sleep for half an hour to two hours every night because it felt so weird to not have to sleep but I was completely wide awake, I didn’t have to, although I could when I chose to. I stopped eating but there were no issues, no hunger, even on whizz you still feel hunger, but not now. [I was actually on whizz when I yammered all this at a mile a minute to the poor lady I was talking to, yeah, I dabbled with Silk Road when I got out of prison, but all I do these days is sometimes smoke weed – God put it here for a reason and it’s the clue as to how we should be excellent to each other, if one has trouble with resentment issues, but it can be addictive so I’m not going to start advocating its use just yet] I still did drink a bit of water because I didn’t want my lips to crack, but I knew I didn’t have to. On the Thursday I ate a meat and potato pie anyway because Dave in the charity shop [the assistant manager] made me eat something, and later on I was taken from the shop to Sudbury’s block and from then to a cell in HMP Dovegate with none of my property and nothing except for a TV to occupy myself, so I started to eat and sleep again then, due to the boredom. During this time though, as I said I didn’t feel hungry at all. My stomach felt like it was full of love, and that I’d transcended my physical body somehow. An exception was on the Monday – I was just craving fruit to eat, fruit and nothing else. I went to the Tesco before work and bought loads of fruit (and some veg) – all the fruit and veg I brought was organic though. Now, I read in an Icke book that enzymes called salvestrols are present in organic fruit and veg and these can help ward off cancer, and I had been smoking a serious amount of mamba in the preceding months, so I do wonder if that was God’s way of ensuring I get rid of latent cancer cells due to the mamba smoking? I’d say there’s more cancer now due to fluoride and aspartame in everything, pesticides, etc., all part of the devil’s plan to try to kill us all.

As I no longer had to eat or drink, I no longer had to use the toilet, and I didn’t have to sleep, so I no longer had to do anything at all for myself, because I had everything. Now, that doesn’t seem quite right, but the thing is, in this love that I had for this woman, which was drug induced by me over idealising who she was, I just wanted to be the best possible person that I could, but I don’t think that’s a bad thing to want anyway, because it’s something that I’ve tried to strive for as much as I can in my life anyway, not necessarily because I believed in a higher power, but because I thought it was the right way to live your life, so going back to what I said right at the start, you don’t need to have religion to have morality. It’s just all about wanting to be as good as you can. That’s why the devil doesn’t want people believing in God any more, and why we have all this stuff about evolution and dinosaurs and the selfish gene shoved down our throats (Yeah, I can appreciate that saying I doubt the existence of dinosaurs and evolution hurts my rep but hey). To say to the average person – “I don’t believe in evolution” - they’d think you’re thick as fuck – but read up on it yourself and feel the bollocks. [I very much recommend the book “God vs Darwin” by MS King if you want to see evolution crushed. It never sat right with me anyway. I read a book about it in jail and all they could say was “well, a worm maybe developed a skin cell that let light in and eventually this evolved into an eye”. What nonsense. If anybody is seriously interested in this book but can’t afford it, I’ve got a tax rebate coming up in April so am willing to buy copies for people if they want – PM me for details - if I get a load of PMs from people obviously taking the piss then I won’t bother, but if you really can’t afford the £10 or so, hit me up]

The whole idea of everyone getting convinced that God isn’t real is so people can think “I’m not going to be punished, so fuck it, I can do what I want” which is what Crowley said: Do What Thou Wilt... [I’ve got a screen cap of the Illuminati’s twitter page saying “If it feels good, do it”] But this is the wrong way to go because, as I understood during that time, karma is real, you do good things, good things happen to you, you do bad things, bad things happen to you, and if you do a load of bad things but nothing happens to you whilst you’re alive, you end up in hell. [I now very much doubt this. You either get to break through the matrix and live forever (or until whatever this phase of our existence on Earth is over), or you age and die. Where you go from there I don’t know – I think my father might be onto something in that regard with his ACIM stuff but I can only work with what I know for a fact, which is what I’m talking about here - but God isn’t about punishing anybody, it’s more of the devil’s lies] Virtue is its own reward anyway though, it’s a good feeling to help others (from the POV of somebody who likes to help that is) … [I once worked in a hotel and two boys who were about 10 years old came and said they’d been walking far and asked for a drink of water. I obliged, and afterwards the girl on reception asked me why I gave them the water. I replied “because they asked.” She then responded with “I would have said no.” Gobsmacked, I asked why, and she said “I like the feeling of power it gives me”. WOW…. But what about the power to say YES? The power of YES is greater than the power of no. I went home and told my father and he said “yeah, you give people a choice and they always go for the negative”… what has to happen to you for you to become that kind of person?]

So, because I got to this state, thanks to the love I felt for this woman and the fact that I didn’t need to eat, sleep or drink any more, and I had everything I need, all I wanted to do was good things for other people. Anything I could do to help anybody, I would do it at a drop of a hat. And I found this out, and this was a great thing, and I noticed this on the Tuesday of that week, there was a lifer who joined the charity bus called Paul (another sound [nice and good] Scouser) and he wanted me to help him with his paperwork to secure a home leave, where you have to explain exactly why you want to go out, what you’ll be doing and how that will help you to integrate with the community. Now, I’m good with computers, good with words, so I agreed to help him out. I was getting the librarian to do things for him, and unfortunately this is the only example I can remember [edit: there's more examples in the shorter thread], because so much happened that week, I wish that every night I wrote down what happened that day, I intended to but I was buzzing too much to sit and write it all down. I discovered that if I asked somebody to do something for me , but it wasn’t me who benefitted, it was on behalf of somebody else or so I could help somebody else, they couldn’t say no. Because I’m acting selflessly, they can’t refuse me, because I’m asking on behalf of somebody else, essentially. So, it was like I could get anybody to do anything nice for someone, as long as the goal was positive, I could help them achieve it, and that’s all I wanted to do. And that was it! Things were going really well and on the Wednesday I saw Joanna, who was the woman concerned, and she seemed really happy with me and everything but I think she was also kinda freaked out (by Thursday anyway) and obviously I got the wrong end of the stick with her and everything (I went full bore with the emotion though, which obviously scares people off [although this is the way things should be and is another way the devil has manipulated society to upset the natural order of things]). Basically, as I found out later on, Dave, who was one of the managers in the charity shop, he thought eventually I’d realise she wasn’t into me and try to do something daft to her, so they took me out of the charity shop on Thursday, they took me out and told me I’d had an “inappropriate relationship with a woman whilst on charity placement” and I’m thinking “this is bullshit” because normally in such an instance, what happens is that when you go out in the morning, you’re stopped from going out (grounded) – they don’t send two screws to your place of work to get you, and take you from the shop straight to the block – the block in Sudbury is two cells and basically used to house people before they get transferred out of the jail, so why send me there for what I’m supposed to have done? Pure overkill.... but the thing is, I could not lie at all during this time. I had my wallet on me as the two screws were taking me out of the charity shop and I gave then my wallet. They looked in it and found my friend’s bank card. I had it because he’d previously done three days placement before getting grounded, and the money for the mamba was going to his bank. I’d check with a mini statement in the day, then we’d release the smoke to whoever’d paid. So, the screws asked why I had somebody else’s card. I should have just said he didn’t get a locker sorted out and I had his card and I forgot about it, instead I went for “we were running drugs into the jail”. So, there’s your reason to ship out [transfer out of jail], there. Because I just couldn’t tell a lie, at all. Well, concerning myself anyway. I tried to do some damage limitation concerning my mate when I saw one of the governors down the block, but they shipped him out too, although they didn’t give an adjudication to either of us [a punishment you get in prison], which was nice.

Then I was shipped back to Dovegate on Thursday with none of my property (I ended up going a full 40 days and 40 nights without my prop, believe it or not!). [When I was processed through reception, I told a screw that I was going to bring the feminine back. Later, in my cell, I said it was time to rein in the masculine, and let the feminine flourish] As I said before, I ate and slept now because there wasn’t really anything for me to do. The religious experience lasted until Saturday, where it felt like was dropping out of my body. But, on the Sunday, the next day, the mass in the chapel was on. When I was processed through Dovegate I said I was Christian now so I was eligible to attend the service (you can only attend one faith service maximum in a closed jail). Before the mass, waiting in the wing, I could feel God start to enter my body again, but it wasn’t a barely perceptible gradual build up over the course of days like before…

[tangent: They put it down to me smoking a load of mamba but the last time I smoked mamba was on the Sunday. I remember on that weekend I was saying that I didn’t need to smoke mamba any more, this addiction that I had for months (to “green crack” as it was dubbed) was no more. However, I last remember smoking some mamba on the Sunday with a couple of friends - then on the Monday, when I started to feel that I could see through the matrix, I’d stopped. So, the “professionals” say it was drug induced. So, I spend three months smoking a drug that basically sends you to sleep, stop smoking it on the Sunday, then on the Monday I don’t need to eat, sleep or drink for six days? It doesn’t make any sense does it? But the way that science works in such an instance is – something happened to you that science cannot explain, so either blame it on drugs or say the person it happened to is mentally ill. Science is as dogmatic as religion in this regard (and of course it is, science isn’t set up to find the truth, it’s to create a system that opposes religion)]

Anyway, before this mass I could feel God entering my body again, but it wasn’t gradual, it was fast and forceful... I remember being unlocked from the wing and waiting in the house block [a building that housed a group of wings together] corridor to be let out of the building, the effect was a floaty feeling and I was breathing very heavily, it was like coming up hard on MDMA/ecstasy, but with the strange feeling that you get inside your teeth when you come up on LSD or magic mushrooms. We went to the mass, but what happened was, when my friend Rory got turned away from mass for not having his ID card, all of a sudden, the feeling dropped out of me. And that was it, it was done. But then, the next week, I was expecting the same thing to happen again. I was standing outside the chapel thinking it was going to happen, and I did get a little bit, but not much. But when I was in the chapel….

[tangent [edit: even I don't quite get where I'm going with this at the start of this, but it's to explain why there were loads of people the first time I went to the chapel, but not the second time]: because obviously something happened to me that was spiritual, and then I was in Dovegate and I was trying to make sense of it. I knew that I could be listened to, because... basically because I’d broken through the matrix at the time I realised that we have more than five senses and one sense that I definitely know that we have on top of this sense, and that’s the ability to know if somebody is listening in to what you’re saying. It took me months to understand it though, at first when I could sense myself being listened to in Sudbury I thought my pad [cell/room] was bugged somehow... looking back it seems ludicrous, what it meant was that my neighbours could hear me yammering away to myself, thinking out loud really (not insanity, I hate the idea that talking to yourself is a sign of madness, it’s just thinking out loud for crying out loud!) (our cells were paper thin walls). So, as I was in Dovegate I was talking to myself quite a lot, which I have a tendency to do, but in Dovegate, because it’s a privately run jail, there’s a two-way cell bell. In a closed HMP prison [one run by the government], there is a cell bell, it’s a button you can press to request something from a screw (usually you’ll wait about 10 minutes to be seen, though I know a man in Sudbury who had a heart attack and his padmate pressed the cell bell and he took 40 minutes to arrive) [edit: I knew the guy in Sudbury but it happened in another jail, no need for cell bells in open prison]. In a private prison, the cell bell has a speaker on it (like a police cell) so that when you press the button, somebody can respond to you from their office and you can talk through the intercom. But think about it: if you press a button and then talk through a speaker when they respond, they must have the ability to listen in to your cell whenever they want to. So, I knew that the screws (at least) knew what I was saying in Dovegate, though it seemed like some of the cons could too, which is weird. [I mentioned this to a screw in Oakwood, another private jail, and he confirmed that they can listen at any time] Anyway, when I went to the first mass, there were tons and tons and tons of people there and it was rammed and I kind of got the vibe that a number of these people were there for me because of the things I was saying (two guys praying for me afterwards etc.[edit: I had a woman come up to me and I laid my whole Age of Aquarius rap on her, the bloke who I explained it to wasn't feeling it though]), but the week after that, only about 15 people turned up. From being absolutely rammed with over 100 people, only 15 turned up the next week. Apparently a lot of people had decided to convert from Christianity to Catholicism! A brilliant example of the hypocrisy of so called religious people, I went to sit next to one guy, this black guy I vaguely remembered, asked if I could sit next to him – and he blanked me completely. Just kept staring straight ahead. Now, what had I done to this man? Nothing. But apparently in his eyes I wasn’t even worthy to be looked at! Nothing compared to staggering hypocrite The “Reverend” David <last name withheld> at HMP Oakwood [a man so petty and un-Christian that, amongst other things, he wouldn’t even let me borrow a piece of paper with the Anglican mass schedule on it to aid a comparison I wished to make of different kinds of Our Father, despite having an abundance, and having just given a mass that was all about people appearing good but being horrible inside] - but that’s another story... So I don’t know exactly how I managed to piss them off so much but I was definitely the reason for the drop off.]

So there I was, sitting on my own in this chapel. And as I’m sitting down, I start breathing heavily again, and the feeling is that much that I have to apologise to the reverend, stand up, and start waving my arms around (not violently, but I needed to move them). The Rev [a nice black man called Donald who I think was a bit puzzled by me but who never outright disrespected me] started saying that God and Jesus were present at this point. [he said that at the last service and I don’t know if he meant me or it’s something he usually said, when he said it the first time I was sitting on the floor at the back, cringing with my eyes closed] I didn’t get “all the way there” but there was enough of Him in me then to confidently belt the hymns out, and as I found out during that time I am a good singer, it’s just having the confidence to sing with energy and vigour (and when I was God the sheer confidence I had was brilliant). When I’ve spoken to people about my religious experience since, for example I told Tony (who got shipped out of my jail months previous, but we wrote to each other) that I was God for six days... what I tended to find is is that people in prison who can wrap their head around conspiracy theories don’t have too much trouble understanding when I explain what happened to me, but those who dismiss them completely cannot. And without investigation, “I’m not reading that, it’s just bollocks” [I explain why Tony said that to me in the “why we are in this mess, and how to get out of it” thread] – it’s like Socrates said, dismissal without investigation is the ultimate ignorance [I can be accused of such having not “done” ACIM but I can see the warning signs – to explain what I mean, my father is huge on ACIM but I see a lot of satanic warning signs in it, although I think there could be some truth in what he says, as there is some truth in any belief system], but then again, the media is set up in such a way to make people be dismissive of conspiracy theories, because they don’t want people knowing the truth.... but the point I was making was that Tony was saying something along the lines of “what are you doing saying you’re God? This is all drug related. I remember this humble, nice, caring guy that you were...” And that’s the thing – when you tell people you think you’re God they think it’s some sort of arrogant power trip type deal, where you think you’re great but everybody else is shit, but it’s completely wrong – to be God is essentially to be the servant king, like Jesus, to have the attitude “I’m the same as you all are, let’s make things better for everyone, what can I do for you?” I need nothing for myself so I may as well do things for other people, and that to me is what the essence of God was like.

So, back to the experience [the six days seeing through the matrix “proper”], I was really confident, and it felt like I was just the best possible version of myself that I could be, I was exceedingly outgoing, very charming (I risk sounding like Howard Marks here), very polite, considerate.... anyway, then after this, God dropped out of my body. I realised, after this, that I had at least two more prejudices that I had to destroy... basically, I thought I was going to conceive the second coming with this woman who I fell for [yeah, I know! But this was an unprecedented experience that I struggled with that I had absolutely no frame of reference for], which may seem quite strange, but that’s how I felt at the time. The way I see it now looking back is that if I write about my experiences on the internet, maybe others who see it can achieve the state that I did, but without drugs. If two people can become such good people and get with each other, and break through all this shit.... because, it’s like you’re vibrating on a higher frequency and that’s why a lot of the stuff you see in the media is all sex and violence and looking down on others and it’s all about money and making you feel miserable so you’ll buy this thing, keeping you down, keeping you focused on base issues rather than being spiritually evolved and being nice to people – all these shit values that are pushed by the media all the time. People say human nature is bad but I don’t reckon it is, consider the fact that the devil controls everything now and has been manipulating our values for a long time, this change accelerating thanks to the media and technology.

In the two months in Oakwood I think some of the screws thought I was behaving quite strangely, I got assessed by a nurse called Cormac <last name withheld> [another supposedly religious man who was a traitor, although I don’t know if I actually speak of the true nature of his betrayal in this transcript that I’m working through] and then I got assessed by a doctor and my friend told me to blag it (shout-out to Dane!), I said I was researching a novel and my behaviour was a piece of performance art similar to that of Sasha Baron Cohen or Andy Kaufman. One of the “safer custody” guys knew it was bollocks, but I went back onto the wing anyway. What then happened was, after being there for two months, and I was never actually allowed to be told what I’d actually said to warrant being treated in such a manner… I was in my cell during lunchtime bang-up, where we were locked in our cells for an hour whilst we ate our dinner/lunch. The door opened, completely unexpectedly, and four screws came in and said I had to go to the CSU – the Care and Segregation Unit, what they called the area colloquially known as the “block” in this particular prison (in Sudbury, for example, it’s called the SAU – secure accommodation unit). I asked what I was supposed to have done and the screw said something about “threats”. I haven’t got a clue what I’m supposed to have done here, so off to the block we went. I spent two days down the block before I had what would have been my adjudication meeting with the deputy governor, but in my case it was the safer custody manager, a feeble minded drip of a man, seemingly well meaning, but to my mind an obtuse, unprofessional moron. This was the point where I found out that apparently I was classed as a “threat to female staff” [what an absolutely appalling thing to be accused of being]. To the minds of this confederacy of dunces, apparently at some point I was going to realise that Joanna [the woman in question], who I was still writing to, wasn’t into me, and once I realised this I was going to try to conceive the second coming with any random female member of staff (it got so dumb that I couldn’t even see the female chaplain on my own – but when I did find out truth about Joanna, guess what? I didn’t go and try to conceive the second coming with anybody, even though I had no treatment at all, so that goes to show what they know). This was a shockingly bad way to treat a human being. Are you familiar with the idea of a thoughtcrime? It’s a phrase from the George Orwell book, 1984. The whole idea is, if you think about committing a crime, then as far as the authorities/state are concerned, you’ve done it. For example, even if I thought about killing somebody, and the state knew I’d had this thought, I would be charged with murder. But! This was even worse than a thoughtcrime – I’d never thought about having sex with a random female member of staff, at the time Jo was the only woman I wanted to do anything with, and even then, it wasn’t a physical thing. As I said to Governor Poole when I was at the SAU in Sudbury before I got transferred to Dovegate, it was a pure, perfect, mental love. Thought she was beautiful, but there was nothing physical about it. So, it wasn’t even a case of I’d thought about doing it and got punished for it, it was a scenario that their own twisted minds came up with, one that would never in a million years cross my mind, yet I was the one getting punished for it. It was like taking the average Joe off the street, locking him up, and when he asks why, turning around and saying “oh, we just reckon that you’re going to nonce [sexually abuse] a kid, so you need to be in here for a bit”. Unfortunately, I have found that as soon as people consider you mentally ill, you are classed as an absolute irrational wildcard who is capable of anything. Quite the insult, especially when you consider there was nothing wrong with me. Anyway, they keep me in the block for two months, and the block’s not the best place to be because you’ve got nothing – allowed hardly any of your possessions, no curtains, no TV (I wasn’t bothered by this though, because after a week I managed to get some of my possessions from my old cell and got my stereo, although I was only allowed a maximum of 5 CDs). There are a lot more restrictions – you are allowed out on the exercise yard for half an hour a day, but on your own, you’re allowed one phone call a day and if there’s no answer, tough… there’s no association [recreational time with other prisoners], if you want to communicate with other people there you shout through the window, and you need ear plugs in there because people make a lot of noise… and I was there for two months and was told the only way out was being transferred to a mental hospital. So they say threats and I think I’m going to see the deputy governor for my segregation board meeting, and it’s fucking Richard <last name withheld> again, the safer custody manager …. I’d best describe him as a well-meaning idiot, but also a disrespectful liar. At one point he said “we believe you to be mentally unstable” and I thought “fair enough, everyone’s entitled to their own opinion“, but then he came out with the statement “you are mentally ill” which I took umbrage at because he can’t say that as a statement of fact, he’s not a healthcare “professional” (but my experience of them, they were a bunch of robotic, conceited jokers). Anyway, whilst I’m down the block I get seen by two more doctors. First, it was Dr. Ahmed, the guy who saw me before – and this was fucking shit, because… to me, if somebody said to me, “I’ve seen through the matrix” my response would be along the lines of “what do you mean? Would you care to elaborate?” and he’s asking me these questions about my psychiatric health and I say I saw through the matrix, he doesn’t ask me anything. He’s already decided before I’ve stepped into the room that I’m crazy, and is merely asking questions to reinforce his own blinkered, ignorant opinion. What he was most interested in was my assertion that I could sense that people were listening in to me when I was in my room at Sudbury, where I thought my pad was bugged but the reality was, I had an extra sense which was the ability to sense if other, unseen, people could hear what I was saying . The session ended with me asking if he thought I was a threat to women. He said no but refused to tell the safer custody team because apparently that was out of his remit. So I then said, “well, do you think I’m crazy, doc?” He said he needed to see me at least two more times in order to assess that.

Then I see another psychiatric doctor and what she basically says is, I want you to take a drug called olanzapine (prev. recommended by Ahmed but he couldn’t back up why exactly I was supposed to take it, causing Richard to “recommend” I take it – who the fuck is he? But like Siddhu said [a nice Sikh man who wasn’t actually a cock and who used to be the safer custody manager, who actually understood when I told him one of my goals was to pay off everybody’s debt in order to fuck the banks and stop them vampiring everybody’s energy], he can’t say “sectioning is a long way off” [which he did tell me in the early stages of this debacle] – Richard was very keen on saying things he had no authority to say). Back to doctor number 2, I refused but she said “if you take this, you won’t get sectioned”. I asked what she expected to happen if I take it and she said, “I don’t know, but we will monitor you” and kept going on about how she’s an “experienced expert”. So I’m thinking, you’re asking me to take this drug, can’t even tell me what effect you expect it to have, and yet you’re sitting opposite me, claiming to be an “experienced expert”?! That’s what I’ve noticed about these people, they train for seven years, become a doctor, and think they actually have a clue. [She also revealed that the first doctor recommended me for sectioning anyway, despite his lies about having to see me two more times again, the absolute coward - which was why she was assessing me – what a wonderful way to treat a fellow human being!]

Allow me to go off on a tangent for a moment. In jail, you meet a lot of people who are into conspiracy theories, there’s a lot of Icke books floating about, and I do think he’s a shill spreading disinfo, but with enough truth to draw you in. One thing I’ve noticed, is that people who aren’t educated are more open to this kind of thing, but somebody like the librarian or one of the library orderlies called Nick, who had a degree and had run his own business, was saying “oh, you’re not reading this shit, are you?”. Or Leigh, a really nice guy who was quite posh, grew up on a riding school and his dad went to public school but he didn’t because his dad was terrible with money, he wouldn’t entertain the idea of a CT either… or Tony, a military man (who’d seen and done a lot so thought he knew it all) … these are the people who dismiss it as bollocks, but somebody who has the attitude “I don’t feel I know much, let’s learn stuff” is more susceptible to it.

So anyway, these doctors just get told what to think for seven years, then they come out thinking they know what’s what because they’re a DOCTOR and everybody reckons that makes them clever. But the trap is, a lot of learning isn’t about independent thought, it’s about being told “here is what is true – learn it and don’t question it”. Do that, you do well. If you challenge the system, you are going to do badly. So this doctor was telling me she was an “experienced expert” and it’s like they’re following a flowchart, “If such and such experienced these symptoms, then give them this”. They’re just robots running a computer program, there’s no independent thought there. But, they’ve done the same thing for so long they’ve deluded themselves into thinking they are “experienced experts”, when really they don’t even know what the result of the pill they are trying to get you to take is!

So, they wanted me to take Olanzapine [which is a drug they give to people who are manic, schizophrenic, or bipolar] and I was told that if I take it, I wouldn’t get sectioned. So, I thought I’d just go ahead and take it. But the thing is, one of the guys in the block shouted out to me through the window of his cell when I was in the exercise yard and said “You know what you do? You get a bit of a Refresher bar [a sweet that’s a chewy, gooey strip, that you can buy in prison, which I’d thankfully recently ordered on what is known as your “canteen”, the food and sundries that you can buy], and put a bit in the roof of your mouth, when you go to get your medication and take your pill which the nurse brings you through a hatch, use your tongue to stick it to the bit of sweet in the roof of your mouth, drink the water, and, if they ask to see your mouth, show them, but they won’t see it” – then, when you go back to your cell, take the pill out and flush it down the toilet. Well, that’s not why he did it. What a lot of people do is save up the pills, then crush and snort a load of them to get high, but that wasn’t my motivation.

The first time I had one, I was unprepared, and was bullied into doing it by this Cormac guy [this isn’t the full story of Cormac but whatever]. I said a friend of mine did not recommend it, and he said “I think I know more than him – I’ve got three degrees” and I’m thinking “well that’s the fucking problem mate – you’ve got three degrees but you’ve got no humanity”. Anyway, back in my cell I tried to puke it up but it was too big to get out. So I experienced it. I ended up actually taking it four times in the space of two weeks. And there was this nurse there… I ended up having a Safer Custody meeting [the whole idea of Safer Custody in this case is nonsense, and I remember hating the phrase “we have a duty of care” … Duty of Care! The opposite of “I love you” – these are the three little words that mean so little, that essentially give idiots the right to meddle with what they cannot understand] every two weeks and I’d sit there for ten minutes, where I’m obviously really stressed out about things, talking about stuff, and this nurse was usually the nurse who sits in on the meetings. Also, once a day I’d go to the nurse to get the Olanzapine and there could be any nurse there. Then, what happened is, I had a letter come through from the mental hospital, St. Andrews Healthcare in Essex [I also got assessed before by a third doctor who was from this place, which I haven’t mentioned here] with a brochure saying “welcome to the mental hospital that you will soon be going to”. And I’m kicking off here, saying “what the fuck? I got told by the second doctor that if I took this I wouldn’t get sectioned, and I was told it would take at least two weeks for the drugs to have an effect”. So, anyway, I’m kicking off and one of the staff is going “I think this should have gone to us” – I was being treated like a mushroom, being kept in the dark and fed bullshit, lied to constantly by these pricks. So I said, “look, I’m not taking the fucking Olanzapine any more” and then this nurse comes to me – the woman I was just on about. And she said “I’m the nurse who’s always with you, and I’ve seen positive improvement in you since you’ve taken this Olanzapine!” I’m just laughing inside then because I’m thinking “you’ve seen me for maybe about 20 seconds four times in the last two weeks, maybe for 10 minutes in a meeting once or twice, and you think you know me?” And the biggest joke is, I’d only taken the Olanzapine four fucking times – the doctor told me it takes at least two weeks to kick in – and yet she claims to have seen “positive improvement” [is there any other kind of improvement?!] in me – that’s how stupid and conceited these people are. She sees me for a split second and, just because she assumes I’ve been taking it…. people think, because they think I’m taking it, “the drug must be having its effect now, he’s changed” but I haven’t taken it at all! It’s like a placebo effect. They think this is a drug that works, and he must be taking it, then he must be changing – and that just shows how daft it all is. “Positive improvement”! Well, I haven’t been taking it, so how do you work that one out? Ridiculous!

But, to the nuthouse, if you say you’re going to conceive the second coming with a woman, that’s where you’re going, isn’t it? I remember telling somebody in the nuthouse that I thought I was going to conceive the second coming, and he said “Yeah, I thought that too”. So there you go. (Shout-out to Andre!). But, as I said to the doctor from St Andrews who came and assessed me – if I said I was going to become a professional football player and was going to score the winning goal in the next World Cup, daft and improbable though it sounds, you wouldn’t be trying to put me in a mental hospital – but because what I’m saying is religious… Bingo! Devil’s system in action.

Anyway, I was still writing to this woman at the time, talking about my plans to make the world a better place and the awful treatment I was suffering. She wasn’t replying but I could reconcile it in my mind as follows: everything I say has to be deniable at some point. If she’s not responding to me, I can “come to my senses” to the prison/mental hospital staff and eventually get out of there – if she was writing to me and seemed to agree with what I was saying, then I had no chance to plausibly deny everything and would still be in the loony bin now. That’s the game that I thought was being played [after all, why would something so ground-breaking happen to me if it was all for nothing?] but as it was it was all in my head anyway. Then, I get out of the mental hospital, thankfully one day after my three-year sentence was supposed to end, a policeman turns up at my door and warns me away from her and the charity shop I used to work at!

Let me tell you a thing about the matrix, though. Have you ever seen it? [Sharon replied that she hadn’t.] It’s a very good action film from the 90’s. Basically the whole idea is that humanity isn’t really here now. Where we really are is kept alive somewhere in a vat of chemicals and used as batteries, an energy source, for some robot race, and we basically live in this big virtual reality program which is the matrix, and in this matrix there’s a bunch of hackers who’ve managed to get outside of the matrix, doing battle with these guys who control the matrix. It’s a good film, but… I read in a David Icke book, because I’ve been into conspiracy theories for about ten years… I always found Icke a bit too metaphysical, concerned with the nature of reality, I myself would think, well, JFK’s assassination, you can research that, Princess Diana dying, you can research that, you can look at the Georgia Guidestones, look at how London’s Heathrow airport after WW2 is a hexagram, you can read the true history of WW2, you can see how Washington DC is laid out with all these pentagrams and owls and stuff like that, all this stuff, and Vigilant Citizen is a good website to look for all this stuff, but the whole idea of there being lizard men, for example, I thought, you know what, too crazy, I can’t research this properly? But the thing is… when I was in Sudbury I was doing a bricklaying course with my mate Matt, it was his bank card that I had [well, he isn’t my mate now as he blames me for grassing him up and getting him shipped back to a closed prison, which is fair enough, even though I tried to get the governor to put all the blame on me] and he said he had an experience for a couple of days [I start talking so fast now that I can’t even understand me, but I’ll piece it together] where he started seeing loads of weird stuff, I can’t remember much of it, but he saw these steps with all sorts of different classes of being walking around, around this portal, and little orbs floating around. He said there seemed to be something also that he’d seen, these beings that were kind of reptilian in look but it was like they were made of glass and you could see through them. And he was seeing them for a while, a couple of days? Weeks? And at first he shat himself (figuratively of course), freaking out like crazy, and he said then he went to this mental hospital (Harplands, I think) and he said at that point his girlfriend said to him, look if you get involved in this, you’ll probably be here for a while, so don’t tell them anything or you ain’t getting out! So, then he said when he got out of there, he said he saw one of these things at a bus stop and he thought “right you fucking bastard, I’ve had enough of this” and just went and ran at him and he said this thing just went and looked at its arm, turned a dial on this watch type thing on his arm, and Matt said his heart rate suddenly shot up really quickly and Matt slammed to the ground and raised his hand in submission… and then it stopped. It sounds kind of similar to the John Carpenter film, They Live, but then again I think John Carpenter is somebody with inside knowledge, like George Lucas. So, he said he saw these classes of being and this opened up my eyes, I suppose, to the idea of other races and so on [I don’t necessarily believe in lizard men now but I do believe demons exist and maybe other beings in different dimensions sharing the same space as we do but on different frequencies? It’s not something I can be concrete on though. Matt felt these glass like lizard men were analogous to the Watchers/Nephilim in the book of Genesis]

So, I was reading David Icke books which I’d never really done properly before, indeed I picked up an Icke book once in the library, saw he said lizard men control the world from bases on the moon, and thought Icke had just lost it big time, dismissing it in an ignorant fashion. But then I sat down and read him, and in one of his later books there was a chapter about the moon not being a real celestial body, but a big artificial construct like a spaceship, and this isn’t just some guy saying stuff out of nowhere, there’s research by Russian physicists to back this up, books that have come out in the 70’s saying that there’s something dodgy here. Like – how it’s exactly the same size as the sun when it’s in front of it, how… the whole idea of how the moon got here is that it was captured into the Earth’s orbit, but the moon is too big to be captured into the Earth’s orbit, it couldn’t happen. Once it’s locked into orbit, fine, but the Earth isn’t big enough to pull it in in the first place… so how could it happen? And also, the craters on it – what usually is the case with any sort of planet like ours is it’s soft on the inside, it’s supposed to be hard on the outside and soft on the inside, because there’s a molten core and what not. And the moon craters should be really deep. But with the moon, it’s like a soft outside with a really hard inside, and that’s why the craters on the moon are really, really shallow. And there have been reports of people seeing bases on the dark side of the moon. But the most important thing is: he said the moon was an artificial construct that projected an artificial reality over the planet. And then on the Monday of this week that I had, it felt like I was flitting in between these two realities. It’s hard to describe what it was like, but I could sense that I was seeing through the matrix, the same as one point during that week, I was in my cell in Sudbury, and I was standing there, and I could feel the presences of Jesus behind me, and Moses behind him, and that’s how I knew that the Bible was the truth [well, at least that Moses and Jesus existed and the stories relating to them are true] …. Because I couldn’t feel Guru Nanak there, I couldn’t feel Mohammed there, I couldn’t feel the woman who channelled A Course in Miracles there, I couldn’t feel the Buddha there… just Moses and Jesus, Old Testament and New Testament. And it’s like Moses ushered in a certain age, and Jesus ushered in another age, and I was to usher in the next age. Which is a really arrogant sounding thing to say, but I’m only relaying what I experienced. So, that was the thing I sensed. The other thing (obviously) I sensed was that I could see through the matrix, and because I’d read in this book that the moon projects an artificial reality over the planet, this was the only frame of reference I had for what was happening, otherwise I wouldn’t have understood what was going on. It makes sense that if there is an artificial reality being projected over the planet, then it's the moon that’s doing it. It’s not like it’s really a false reality like the whole idea supported by mainstream science now - and if mainstream science is pushing it, then I’m very suspicious - that the world is a hologram or what have you [there’s a documentary (one of many) called The Simulation Hypothesis that pushes this but I don’t buy it – like I said before, maybe that’s the world that lies behind this immediate issue which is breaking out of the matrix – but mainstream science doesn’t support what I’m saying because it’s the 100% truth – also, how much of what I’m saying is new to you, the reader of this? Are you familiar with the whole idea of there being a matrix the way I describe? I’ve seen at least one article on the internet that say the matrix is real and is a firewall but it isn’t popular because it is the truth. There’s no industry pumping out this agenda]. Anyway, this whole idea that the world’s a simulation and God’s a computer programmer or what have you. The only thing really about what the matrix is… are you familiar with what a firewall is? [Sharon responds with: No.] If you’ve got a computer that’s on a network, say, connected to the internet, a firewall is program that will stop programs having unrestricted access to your computer [maybe not the most accurate description] Just say there was a website you were accessing that wanted to secretly install a program on your computer, a firewall would block this and stop it doing it – it’s something that protects you in a way. So, what I found out the matrix is that it’s actually a firewall that doesn’t protect us, but it stops God from interacting with us the way he’s supposed to. Not only that, but it keeps us locked in what is known as this five sense prison, what David Icke calls a five sense prison anyway, what you can see, hear, touch, taste, and smell – we have more senses, and we can be better. But, this matrix is projected over us, and this … stuff that is being reported is war and death and misery and what’s on the TV is all this kind of stuff, and nobody earns enough money, the whole system is designed to make everybody miserable while really awful values are being promoted. So this moon is there so it makes sense there’s some alien race that put it there, although it could be demons from another dimension, I don’t know. But it exists and I do believe that’s what it does – it projects this artificial reality over us, for two reasons: To stop us being all we can be, and to stop God interacting with us in the way that he’s supposed to, and I’ll explain about God interacting with us in a moment. So, the thing with us not being all we can be, that’s how I felt, because what happened to me was, I felt selfless love for this woman that made me just want to be as good as I can, and all I wanted to do was help people out, and because that was my mind-set I became so spiritually pure, as it were, that I broke through this matrix that we’re both in right now. I can’t get out right now because now I’m back in a situation where I feel like I want things, still, to some degree, whereas then it was a different story. It’s going to happen again and when it does happen I think it’s going to trigger off the apocalypse at some point [well, all I can say is this – when people start breaking through and effecting swift, positive change, the devil’s going to crap himself and go all out in his final battle] and that’s the pivotal thing to do it, but I don’t necessarily know if I’m going to be the person to do it [all the evidence points to this, though, more in the shorter thread I’ll post at the same time as this one, but I’m willing the entertain the slight possibility that I might be wrong], I could just be the guy who figured it all out the first time, and put it on the internet out there, for somebody else to figure out. Or, it could be one of my children, or someone unborn [like I say, I expect it’s me, but I’ve got to be open to possibilities – and I doubt this about my children etc. now. Change will come by 2024 max, but I won’t go into detail about why I came to that conclusion even though I have a big numerology thing to back it up, as I don’t feel it’s relevant and is a fairly shaky theory from a good while ago]. I think someone’s going to do the “second coming” thing.

What I noticed [when seeing through the matrix] was that when I had a thought, it would be confirmed to me instantly, what my father would refer to as synchronicities, but what my father thinks of as a synchronicity is, he sits there, and, for example, thinks about a packet of Polos [Polos are a mint that can you buy in the UK and this is something he mentioned to me a few years back], then months later he watches a video on Youtube, and he sees somebody hand somebody a Polo from a pack of Polos – or, he said he was thinking about this song about Pink Pomeranians, a couple of hours later he’s walking outside and he saw a pink Pomeranian! Now, to me, I thought coincidence, he thought synchronicity, but I found out what a true synchronicity is, and that’s as soon as I think the thought – BOOM! I see it. This is what happened on the Monday, yeah? [First day of seeing through the matrix] I’m in Longton library [a local library near to where I worked at the charity shop where I’d listen to music on my lunch break], just chilling, listening to some tunes, there’s a couple next to me, they look like late teens, the woman is writing a CV for a first job, and they were fretting over it, and I’m sitting there thinking “I could just piss this…”. I take the keyboard from then and say “I’m just going to sort this out for you”. I correct all the spelling mistakes, all the grammar mistakes, ask them questions, sort it all out, they’re buzzing off this, they’re loving it, but I say “Ok, it’s cool, y’know?” I kick back with the tunes, they go and do their thing. When I get up to leave I think “Yeah… everything I do is effortless” and as I turn to get up, there’s a shelf full of books and on the spine of the first book I see, it says EFFORTLESS all down the spine in big letters. On the Thursday, I’m in the shop and I’m operating the till. And I’m being very courteous and polite and, y’know, charming and everything, if I do say so myself. Dave even poked his head out from behind the office to tell me that I was doing a grand job. So I’m there handling this item of clothing thinking “yeah, everything I do is sheer elegance” [I’m not normally this conceited but when you’re seeing through the matrix, you’re pretty shit hot] and just as I think that, I look at the tag on the clothing, and it says SHEER ELEGANCE on it. A lot of the times these things happened – I can only recall about seven or eight occurrences [list of all the ones I can remember is in the other thread] but it happened loads. Or, there was the time when I was down the block in Sudbury, after being removed from the charity shop on the Thursday. There’s a TV there… and I’m not watching the TV. I’m about to be hauled in front of one of the governors and I’m thinking “shall I go in there all humble, or should I go in there like…. Who the fuck are YOU to judge ME? I’ll do the judging here, thank you very much!” [Though I don’t really believe in any sort of judgment now, more of the devil’s lies to promote separation and prejudice] because I realised the night before that I was actually God. I was still struggling to come to terms with it all [although at one point towards the end of the six days I wondered whether I was God or Jesus]. Because, like I say, I wasn’t God who was omnipresent with his memory or anything, I just knew that a portion of the God that’s all around us right now, inside my thoughts as I speak/think, inside everybody’s thoughts, was just enough of God to be in a person. Not knowing enough, but just enough to try and figure things out. So, I was in the block, and I saw the TV with my coat draped over it and I thought I’d turn the TV on because I’m wondering how I’m supposed to behave, thinking I can get guidance from this as I had been doing – and Deal or No Deal is on, with subtitles, and the subtitle that displayed was “BE LIKE WALTER”. Now, that may mean nothing to you, but during the experience I had, in the charity shop at some point I said I was like Thomas Anderson becoming Neo in The Matrix, the narrator becoming Tyler Durden in Fight Club, or like Walter White becoming Heisenberg in Breaking Bad. Because in Breaking Bad, Walter White is this really humble guy, whereas Heisenberg is his swaggering, imperious, domineering persona, this alter ego he becomes as he gets further into the drug game. So, what I gleaned from the TV was that I can go in to this meeting like Walter or I can go in like Heisenberg, and like I say, it said on the screen “BE LIKE WALTER” so I knew then how I should behave. I’ve got an email to my aunt where I explained all of these synchronicities that I can remember [it’s in the shorter thread]. It was great, because when I had the thought, it manifested itself immediately, like God was manipulating the situation around me to give me confirmation of my thoughts and to help me out and guide me, and it made me realise that people say “Oh yeah, the world’s shit, you can’t do this, that and the other” but God designed the world to be so much better. But because this matrix exists the world isn’t the way it is supposed to be. To me, it’s like the Book of Job writ large. [What follows now may not be 100% accurate but you get the idea] In the book of Job, basically, God calls all his angels together to have a meeting of some sort, and the devil turns up as well. God says to the devil, “Have you considered my servant Job? He’s a great, righteous, God fearing man”. But Job is a guy who’s got everything, loads of money, land, livestock, sons and daughters, a very influential guy. And the devil says “He’s only righteous because you’ve given him everything. I bet I can turn him against you”. And God says “Ok, I’ll let you do what you want to anybody apart from Job”, and the devil agrees. So, what happens is, Job’s there eating, and one of his messengers comes and says that some marauding tribes have killed all your livestock and your sons and daughters – and Job’s got no idea that this is the devil’s doing. Job doesn’t end up cursing God, though, although he is obviously upset. So, later on, God meets the devil again and this time they make another deal where the devil can turn Job against God, this time the devil is allowed to harm Job but not kill him. So, the devil makes it so that Job is covered with weeping open sores, but Job never lost his faith – I think what is going on in the world now is similar, because why else would God allow things to get so bad? Because obviously the devil hates people, and this is from the Qu’ran, it says that when God created humanity, he said all the angels had to bow down before humans who were his greatest creation and the devil said that he wasn’t going to bow down before them, considering himself to be better, and that’s how he became an evil angel, he convinced a third of the angels to follow him and that’s why he’s got Hell. So, satan reckons he can completely corrupt humanity with everything that’s going on in the world and all the stuff that he is doing… and, providing nothing is done, things will get a lot worse - in 10 years from now there will be hell on earth, there’s no doubt about it. And I used to be quite depressed about this because it’s a side effect of reading about conspiracy theories, when you read it from certain quarters, because even a lot of conspiracy literature will deny the existence of a God, so you think – who can save us? If the world is going to end up being run by a bunch of devil worshippers who have killed most of humanity and kept the rest as slaves in a THX-1138 kind of environment, or an apocalyptic film like that or The Hunger Games, then obviously things are very depressing, but once I found out that God’s gonna kick a shitload of arse when it all kicks off eventually, I don’t feel bothered any more. So, no matter how bad things get, things are going to be so much more amazing after it. I can’t wait for it because I’ve already experienced it. I know what it’s like when the moon isn’t there anymore, it’s brilliant, it’s just the most amazing thing ever. No drug can ever come close to it, it’s brilliant. Really good. There’s a lot to be optimistic about. I don’t think it necessarily matters so much if you believe in God or not, because the way the world is set up now it makes it so hard to believe, but God came to me not because I believed in Him, but because I tried to be as good as I could. So, it still is the case that the most important thing is to treat people as you want to be treated – and that’s the thing that doesn’t seem to ever get mentioned in anything spiritual [I could be wrong here], or when I’ve been to mass since what happened to me.

And that is pretty much the crux of it! The end of the transcript.

So, here’s a few more things that I thought I’d add:

Before all this happened, when I was sitting there in nice quiet room in my nice quiet wing in Sudbury, smoking the mamba, I got an insight. My environment was so calm and peaceful yet I had this box in the corner of my room that I could turn on that would show me killing and violence. I really couldn’t be bothered with it on the mamba. American Gangster starts with a guy getting set on fire in a chair? Couldn’t be bothered. Flick through the channels one day, a man gets shot in the head. I just thought “How sad. Just conscious returning to The Source”. One point, I was watching a film called Hanna and there was this fight scene and I just started pissing myself laughing watching this, so hard that I had to put my knuckle in my mouth. I came to this realisation - the idea of most action films is this: there’s a person who’s really, really, really, really, really good at killing…. who is being pursued by people who are just that teeny, tiny bit not as good at killing as they are. Daft, really.

There’s an article about HR Giger on the VC website and I believe there’s a video where he says that a world where everybody is good would be shit. And, maybe he has a point. I’ll illustrate this with a quote by Hollywood producer Don Simpson, from a book I have that has an excerpt from a book called “High Concept: Don Simpson and the Hollywood Culture of Excess” by Charles Fleming… “… We’ll open two movies. Side by side. One’s called Sex, Drugs and Death, the other’s called Mom and Dad Go for a Walk. Now, where you going to put your money, white boy? You do movies about milking the cow. I’ll do ones about fucking and getting loaded. See you at the finish line.” Anyway, the point is that I don’t know what happens when we all see through the matrix and humanity wins. Maybe this phase of existence ends and a new one begins. The important thing is that we break through the matrix.

I didn’t even scratch the surface of the raw power available to me, being guided by God, an omnipresent force that knows everybody’s mind and knows all time. Just say you wanted money to pay people’s debts, right? You could play poker and know your opponent’s hole cards. You could know the right lottery numbers to pick. You’d know exactly how to play the stock market or ForEx. You could Robin Hood all the money and transfer it into everybody’s bank accounts, pay off all mortgages, credit cards, overdrafts… with knowledge of all their bank details. Take the energy back to enable others to break free. Limitless power. If anybody’s after you, you’re one step ahead, God guides you through things you just sense. You cannot be touched – ever. Remember when I said about playing with one pawn against a grandmaster? Well, that pawn will become an army of queens, my friend. 63 queens on the board – the devil won’t stand a chance. The ultimate smothered mate (yeah I know the analogy doesn’t stand up to scrutiny but hey!)

Whoever breaks through as well will have the same powers as we all work together towards a common goal for the greater good - “My clan is Bravehearts, y’all move like Paul Blarts”

And when I talk about effecting positive change and being charge, I don’t mean like the way things are now with some puppet monarchy sitting in their castles going “let them eat cake”, I’m talking real nobility here – the true spirit of noblesse oblige - not living in a big castle, not even owning anything. What need for possessions? For a house? When you don’t need to eat, sleep or drink, the possibilities are limitless. Breaking through the matrix but having nothing, you are truly free. I remember when I got taken out of the charity shop, I shook one of the screw’s hands and he commented on how hot I was. I doubt we’re even supposed to wear clothes.

In HMP Oakwood I had a dream where I was doing jobs for people. I remember painting some boxes a different colour and being up a ladder. The funny thing was, Big Daddy Kane’s “I Get the Job Done” was playing in the background – okay, so the song is really about being confident in your ability to sexually satisfy women, but the lyrics in the dream were “The K-A-N-E is on the J-O-B. Why? Cause I get it D-O-N-E. So lights, camera, action, all hail the one – that gets the job done”.

At HMP Dovegate, when I went to collect my canteen from this Asian screw in this room on the wing, when he checked my ID he winked at me and called me sir. I felt like Tyler Durden. It was awesome. Also, another time in my cell, when an Asian chaplain came in to ask which faith service I wished to attend (hence all the people at the first one – I kind of lost my way and didn’t know what to say between the first and second services, hence the drop off in people – I guess they thought I was a disappointment. But, I was just trying to figure it all out.), he gave a little bow as he left the room. I don’t want or expect this – but yeah, it was pretty cool! There were certain prisoners who listened and seemed to take me seriously (or at least didn’t mock me), but to have this from prison staff was nice. One thing I realised about seeing through the matrix though is God doesn’t really want or need praise or worship. Why does he? He’s got it all. He just wants you to be happy.

Vytas on this forum introduced me to a blog called The Open Scroll, which looks fantastic but I don’t really know where to begin with it all. However, they had a policy that restricts women from posting. I found this to be absolutely detestable. It was because of 1 Corinthians 14:34-35: “Women should remain silent in the churches. They are not allowed to speak, but must be in submission, as the law says. If they want to inquire about something, they should ask their own husbands at home; for it is disgraceful for a woman to speak in the church.” What a load of nonsense. Either the apostles fell off big time, or this sentence was inserted by some satanic force.

However, I just went and looked at the blog, and on 2nd March this year, they changed their policy and allowed women to comment, which is progress (http://theopenscroll.blogspot.co.uk/2018/03/our-policies-on-blog-comments.html). However, they do reference 1 Timothy 2:11-12, and the passage itself is absolutely disgraceful: “A woman should learn in quietness and full submission. I do not permit a woman to teach or to assume authority over a man; she must be quiet.”

This is once again another example of the true word and will of God being corrupted in order to create a barrier to true enlightenment. We are all equal. But this is the trap: if you’re a devout Christian, following this dross, this will create an automatic prejudice against women and a barrier in place that will always prevent you from seeing through the matrix. It’s that simple. Although I learned a lot from my father, I’ve also learnt a lot from my aunt – indeed, I can quite safely say that if they both didn’t have any influence in my life, I would never have seen through the matrix (respect due to my mother for raising me too, RIP). So, stop the prejudice, it’s so dumb.

Whilst we’re on the subject of prejudice, don’t go thinking you’re better than others because you’re into conspiracy theories and some just can’t open their eyes. Yes, it’s frustrating but it is what it is. I remember when I wrote about symbolism in adverts and somebody said I was watching too much TV. I responded that it was good to keep abreast of how the masses are being programmed, but what an arrogant thing to say, really. We are all the masses, and we’ve all been programmed all our lives. Relevant xkcd: https://xkcd.com/610/

Why is it that nuns and monks have never broken through the matrix? Because it doesn’t matter what level you get to, it takes a member of the opposite sex to give you that final push over the edge (and this was understood at some point – hence the segregation). This is why the devil has promoted homosexuality and why being transgender is being pushed hard now. It’s why Baphomet has both male and female sexual characteristics. The devil knows that as long as men and women are two distinct entities, then he will lose. I can illustrate this with a point here. When I was seeing through the matrix I was just pure masculine energy. I may essentially be a short, skinny, bespectacled guy but I had no qualms about telling people exactly what I thought, absolutely fearless and taking no shit from anybody. That was the joy of seeing through the matrix - I was actually a man living as a man should live, it was brilliant. It was pure authority, but authority that came from God, not a poxy uniform. I can’t wait to experience it again outside of a prison environment. The world will soon know who’s in charge. But anyway, I was in my cell at Dovegate and I was angry about something (sometimes when I felt this anger the only thing that could calm me was to be under the shower and feel the water pour onto the area where my heart is). As I said before, the screws could listen in to me and, considering I was quite a novelty, listen in they did. So, a screw opened my door and said there was a nurse here to see if I was okay. I said I was and that was it. A short while later, he returned with two nurses (?!) but these two women had the most beautiful eyes. I couldn’t help but shake their hands and tell them how beautiful they were. And, as I gazed upon their beauty, I felt a wave of calm rush over me (whoever this screw was, he had his head screwed on). So, it’s obvious to me that men and women have two distinct energies that complement each other. To paraphrase Montgomery Burns describing Smithers in The Simpsons: “The calming yin to my raging yang”

What I wrote above is also why women are oppressed all over the world, because the devil knows that men and women are supposed to be equals. Another barrier to stop us breaking through the matrix.

But what if you are gay or transgender? Where do you fit into all of this? Well, as John Niven so eloquently put it in his book The Second Coming (which I would greatly recommend as an entertaining read - although the real Jesus would never entertain the idea of giving up his arse) – “God loves fags.” Whatever happens, we’ll all get taken care of. If certain things in the book of Revelation are true, once the moon is wiped from the sky, we all see through the matrix anyway.

Furthermore, I’d like to say that God/Jesus aren’t pushovers, they’re not prim, prissy, or stuck up – and they don’t take themselves seriously. It’s like that “the son of man came not to be served, but to serve” picture I posted on Christmas Day – if you’re a Christian and find that offensive, why? It’s just funny. That’s all. God and Jesus aren’t offended. Why should you be? Just take a hit from a bong and chill out.

Finally, I don’t really believe in a final judgement either, it’s just another barrier to create prejudice and stop people breaking through the matrix – so people can say “I’m better than you, so I’ll go to Heaven and you’ll go to Hell”. I would be interested to know how much of the Bible was actually written by satanic forces.

If you actually got this far, thank you.I know it's long and I waffle and go off on tangents and repeat myself, so respect to you.

18/3/18: fixed some typos
There was a guy that posted on a different forum that when he was in prison he saw through the matrix while in solitary confinement. Do you have accounts on other forums as well, or is that a different guy? He didn't mention the Jesus thing though.


Oct 2, 2017
"The soul is undergoing a dream from which it must awake. This dream represents our association and identification with the world. The fact that it is described as being a dream means that whatever is in it has to be false. Nothing in a dream can be true. Waking up from that dream is the ultimate goal, Self-realization." -- The main theme of "Yoga Vasistha"


Jun 29, 2017
You went through a lot...You create your belief system yourself based on experiences you had...and your experiences aren't very common...Being high to the point when you don't know whats real and what is not maybe have something to do with this, even though you seem experienced a bliss... Don't know what more to say so i will leave you with a quote. Maybe useful for you when talking with people :) Best of luck...


May 20, 2017
All Muslims and @DesertRose in particular: Yeah, I shouldn’t have created the “Islam is Devil Worship” thread, especially considering as I only created it as a footnote to link to the post about the meaning of the word “thot”. Truth is, I could take any belief system and see something satanic in it. And, let’s be realistic – the proof is in the pudding. Why? Because which rigid adherent of any belief system has seen through the matrix? No one. So, every belief system is flawed by design. It was wack as I have nothing but love for my Muslim brothers and sisters. I shouldn’t have singled Islam out and I apologise whole-heartedly.
On behalf of the Muslims here God bless you, our brother in humanity.. The Quran shows us the tricks of Shaitan and the many veils he operates through.The matrix operates under his leadership.
Quran 58:10
Secret counsels are only (inspired) by the Evil One, in order that he may cause grief to the Believers; but he cannot harm them in the least, except as Allah permits; and on Allah let the Believers put their trust.
Nevertheless, thanks to you

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Mar 13, 2017
A further catalyst for my own personal paradigm shift was the fact that I found there was still a web site selling drugs online, so I ordered some ecstasy. On the last night I was posting on this forum proper, I took half a pill. This was partway through the discussions I was having on the Symbolism in Gaming thread that I created (I think I was under the influence from the point where I talked about how myself and @Aero misunderstood each other, and how I watched violent films with my son)
I knew you were tripping dog. Lol Just kidding. That would require a drug investigation.

I'm not sure how to respond to the rest of your post. But I will give you a tip about the Matrix. If you are going to try to be the One. Than make sure when you break through, it's for something important. Don't be like those who are clearly just screwing around. People want glory without having to do much. But Glory a natural bi-product of being the shit.