10 Gaslighting Signs In An Abusive Relationship

Tatilina

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My sister does the same.
I have no problem with my father other than personal irritation. I have not talked to my mother in years. I don't have to see her either as we live in different states. Last time was small talk at my brother's wedding a year ago.
My sister is an out of control teenager who is almost 18, we cannot be in the same house or we get into physical altercations. My brother is a hardcore alcoholic and drug addict, we too cannot be in the same room let alone a house lol. My sister dropped out of school 3 years ago because of bullying, so she does nothing but smoke weed and make my parents life a living hell. My brother's ex-girlfriend cheated on my brother and left him for some other dude who doesn't even work, in the process of that all, my brother's car was stolen lol. Now he's staying at my mom's, so that's a hot mess I want no part of. My dad has always worked out of town for an oil company. So I seem him maybe 4-5 times a year? I talk to my mom for maybe 10 minutes tops. I'm the only who takes care of my life and does not burden my parents with my problems.
 

Trenton

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And I just remembered this Christian one, written mostly for daughters of abusive relatives. http://www.luke173ministries.org
It helped me work through the struggle of "but you must forgive ALWAYS... you're supposed to be a Christian".

It is an issue of trust , not unforgiveness. If the other person is unrepentant and it is unsafe to continue interacting with them, it is unwise for the Christian to continue hoping that forgiveness will make the other person change.
I read that article a few months ago when I was considering Christianity. I think it was a really good article that more Christian women should read, especially if they've dealt with abuse by a father or mother.

It can kill someone inside to try to forgive someone who is undeserving of forgiveness and who are completely unrepentant. It makes me sad to picture women (or even men) who feel it's their duty to forgive monsters in their life, for fear of God looking poorly upon them if they don't.
 

JoChris

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Wow you sure had a challenging household to live in. My biological family was outwardly well functioning.

Imagine the Chinese Water torture strategy with the dripping very faint in the distance, getting louder and softer but told it's just your imagination. The first time my husband came to my house he said later felt like it was stepping into a morgue.

That's why I know the gaslighting strategy personally. I was constantly in a state of hypervigilance. Always watching closely and listening carefully so I could tell myself "no I did just hear what I said, she's wrong, she's not telling the truth."
 

JoChris

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I read that article a few months ago when I was considering Christianity. I think it was a really good article that more Christian women should read, especially if they've dealt with abuse by a father or mother.

It can kill someone inside to try to forgive someone who is undeserving of forgiveness and who are completely unrepentant. It makes me sad to picture women (or even men) who feel it's their duty to forgive monsters in their life, for fear of God looking poorly upon them if they don't.
It is a subject that is very challenging for people who have had normal families/ relationships to understand.

I have found the mourning period for the mother-daughter relationship so difficult that I know only my Christian faith has got me through.
Literally - thank GOD for the internet. I have been blessed by the huge amount of Christian sermons, blogs and conferences online on a topic that the average pastor would never think to address normally.
 
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My sister is an out of control teenager who is almost 18, we cannot be in the same house or we get into physical altercations. My brother is a hardcore alcoholic and drug addict, we too cannot be in the same room let alone a house lol. My sister dropped out of school 3 years ago because of bullying, so she does nothing but smoke weed and make my parents life a living hell. My brother's ex-girlfriend cheated on my brother and left him for some other dude who doesn't even work, in the process of that all, my brother's car was stolen lol. Now he's staying at my mom's, so that's a hot mess I want no part of. My dad has always worked out of town for an oil company. So I seem him maybe 4-5 times a year? I talk to my mom for maybe 10 minutes tops. I'm the only who takes care of my life and does not burden my parents with my problems.
Hi Tanya, I was initially just checking if you're someone I know. It sounds like you've been through a LOT of trauma and you're handling it well. I don't know you so I hope you don't mind if I add something I found helpful, and not so helpful, just in case it helps you or someone else here. I mean, you might very well know far more than me about all this already. My friend and I both come from pretty dysfunctional families, and I found that a good way for us to deal is to surround ourselves with real, supportive, encouraging people that we can tell our truths to and offload pain with when it comes up, otherwise it can seriously capsize everything you've worked for at some point when life gets a bit too stressful.
I personally blame my friend's parents for her depression and pain. Her parents are like yours in some ways, and ultimately not very supportive. She was cut off from support by a jealous boyfriend for a long time. So although she managed to get an advanced degree and a decent job, it all caught up with her, and she was "diagnosed bipolar" and hospitalised & medicated a few times, with all the unanswered questions there are about that. Medication is definitely not the answer.
Unfortunately I'm stil on meds (for "major depression" and "anxiety"), which I need to taper off of; wish I'd gone for exercise and a healthy lifestyle instead. Just my 2 cents.
Please could you describe what works for you, or let me know if you have already in another thread?
 
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Wow you sure had a challenging household to live in. My biological family was outwardly well functioning.
Imagine the Chinese Water torture strategy with the dripping very faint in the distance, getting louder and softer but told it's just your imagination. The first time my husband came to my house he said later felt like it was stepping into a morgue.
That's why I know the gaslighting strategy personally. I was constantly in a state of hypervigilance. Always watching closely and listening carefully so I could tell myself "no I did just hear what I said, she's wrong, she's not telling the truth."
Wow this sounds so intense and traumatising. :/ Not sure if you want to expand on this? No pressure.
 

JoChris

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Wow this sounds so intense and traumatising. :/ Not sure if you want to expand on this? No pressure.
My story is very complex and many factors interwoven together. I do not want to be unfair to my mother as I know some of my responses were amplified due to my very bad medications and to a minor extent amplified personality traits. I know it's controversial to suggest that people can develop an epileptic personality but I had those traits when my seizures were poorly controlled. I find it very easy to write too much online before my daily medicine hits (hypergraphia). https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Geschwind_syndrome

She was not abusive like other horror story NPD mothers. I have read so many blogs about NPD parents and although she had many of those tendencies she was not an amoral person. I think a lot of them would more accurately be described as psychopathic personality + NPD traits.

I learned all this from many years, some I heard way too young:
She had complex trauma as a result of losing her mother when she was 6 (died appendicitis), her father cut off complete contact with her mother's family, her father did not give support due to his own grief, the cleaner he got afterwards later became his wife and her stepmother (I did meet "Granny" several times when I was little - even then I could tell she was horrible, my mother and her biological siblings experienced bad verbal and emotional abuse from stepmother), brother once tried to molest her, family got very poor....

Compared to other sexual/ emotional abuse stories themselves I have heard personally it sounds trivial. It is the not being allowed to grieve that poisoned her and made what some people can get through too much for her to bear. She does not fit the "I am in love with myself and I will punish those who don't worship me" NPD profile. She is very fragile. http://www.ptypes.com/compensatory-narpd.html
I think she developed the traits via needing to gain approval from ANYONE.

She has tried to make my sisters and I her substitute mother throughout her life. Because I was already struggling with my own issues already mentioned I felt the abuse and the manipulation very intensely. My sisters got through it better because they developed defence mechanisms that I was not strong enough mentally to do at the time.

That is long enough for now. My summary for her now is she has given into her grief and feelings for so long they have consumed her. She gives mother-daughter love to get it. For me it is too great a price. I saw and experienced true love and acceptance from my mother-in-law (now deceased). I do not want counterfeit love.
 

Tatilina

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Hi Tanya, I was initially just checking if you're someone I know. It sounds like you've been through a LOT of trauma and you're handling it well. I don't know you so I hope you don't mind if I add something I found helpful, and not so helpful, just in case it helps you or someone else here. I mean, you might very well know far more than me about all this already. My friend and I both come from pretty dysfunctional families, and I found that a good way for us to deal is to surround ourselves with real, supportive, encouraging people that we can tell our truths to and offload pain with when it comes up, otherwise it can seriously capsize everything you've worked for at some point when life gets a bit too stressful.
I personally blame my friend's parents for her depression and pain. Her parents are like yours in some ways, and ultimately not very supportive. She was cut off from support by a jealous boyfriend for a long time. So although she managed to get an advanced degree and a decent job, it all caught up with her, and she was "diagnosed bipolar" and hospitalised & medicated a few times, with all the unanswered questions there are about that. Medication is definitely not the answer.
Unfortunately I'm stil on meds (for "major depression" and "anxiety"), which I need to taper off of; wish I'd gone for exercise and a healthy lifestyle instead. Just my 2 cents.
Please could you describe what works for you, or let me know if you have already in another thread?
My husband despises my parents for what they use me for so they are not allowed to come over and I only talk to them when he is at work. I really only have my husband who I am the closest to out of anyone I know. I don't have any friends, so my only support is my husband. I am not on any medication to help treat my ADHD, PTSD and anxiety. I only take Zopiclone to help me sleep. What works for me is eating healthy, excercising, dancing, music (8 hours at least) colouring, playing video games and doing things that you love and enjoy doing. It really helps if you find a partner who is very supportive as well, that makes a real difference. Stay away from anything that is mundane, repetitive and BORING. I'm serious, boring people and tasks can make you depressed and agitated. Just be out there as much as you can. Maybe do a few things that gives you major adrenaline rushes like bungee jumping or sky diving/parachuting.

One thing that I love that my hubby does for me in the winter cause I am a huge thrill seeker, is take us out to the frozen lake in the winter in the 4x4 truck (going 4x4ing is tons of fun) and he drives super fast and the hits the brakes and wooooooo we spin around like omfg xD

Here we have an all year round amusement park, so I go on rides quite a bit, we also have a massive waterpark with lots of water slides, so we go there too. I love water and swimming. Even when you don't feel like doing anything, make yourself do it. Stay away from boring people because they love to hold people back.
 
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skycoaster

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I don't suppose that we do have people in our lives who aren't exactly friends, I myself have to learn to stay away from people like that, so I can relate to what you're saying, I'm a thrill seeker as well, recently I ride the bus for the first time and it was fun, I also like to spend time in nature and it's high time I should do more of that, for my health along other things.
 
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She had complex trauma as a result of losing her mother when she was 6 (died appendicitis), her father cut off complete contact with her mother's family, her father did not give support due to his own grief, the cleaner he got afterwards later became his wife and her stepmother (I did meet "Granny" several times when I was little - even then I could tell she was horrible, my mother and her biological siblings experienced bad verbal and emotional abuse from stepmother), brother once tried to molest her, family got very poor....

Compared to other sexual/ emotional abuse stories themselves I have heard personally it sounds trivial. It is the not being allowed to grieve that poisoned her and made what some people can get through too much for her to bear. She does not fit the "I am in love with myself and I will punish those who don't worship me" NPD profile. She is very fragile. http://www.ptypes.com/compensatory-narpd.html
I think she developed the traits via needing to gain approval from ANYONE.
Thank you for explaining; I can actually relate to this surprisingly quite a lot, as my own mother seems to have (some?) of the traits of the compensatory NPD, especially the extraversion, shame, sensitivity, neediness, and hypochondria; she lost her own mother in a way to a suspected schizotypal disorder when she was quite young - her mom (my gran) would just lie in bed all day smoking and talking to herself. Her dad (my grandad) worked away on construction sites and had affairs. Her brothers were basically lil gangsters. So she was alone and had to fend for herself, and she left home at like 18 and got pregnant and was married at 20 to my dad (who also came from an abusive home), before she had any idea who she was.

So I can relate on a lot of levels in that it's difficult to blame her, and she's not amoral, just maladapted and fragile, and she doesn't quite understand the impact of her behaviours on those around her...

Childhood trauma tends to mess most people up. This link might be useful to assess how much trauma you've experienced:
https://acestoohigh.com/got-your-ace-score/
 
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My husband despises my parents for what they use me for so they are not allowed to come over and I only talk to them when he is at work. I really only have my husband who I am the closest to out of anyone I know. I don't have any friends, so my only support is my husband. I am not on any medication to help treat my ADHD, PTSD and anxiety. I only take Zopiclone to help me sleep. What works for me is eating healthy, excercising, dancing, music (8 hours at least) colouring, playing video games and doing things that you love and enjoy doing. It really helps if you find a partner who is very supportive as well, that makes a real difference. Stay away from anything that is mundane, repetitive and BORING. I'm serious, boring people and tasks can make you depressed and agitated. Just be out there as much as you can. Maybe do a few things that gives you major adrenaline rushes like bungee jumping or sky diving/parachuting.

One thing that I love that my hubby does for me in the winter cause I am a huge thrill seeker, is take us out to the frozen lake in the winter in the 4x4 truck (going 4x4ing is tons of fun) and he drives super fast and the hits the brakes and wooooooo we spin around like omfg xD

Here we have an all year round amusement park, so I go on rides quite a bit, we also have a massive waterpark with lots of water slides, so we go there too. I love water and swimming. Even when you don't feel like doing anything, make yourself do it. Stay away from boring people because they love to hold people back.
Lol i think I'm pretty boring compared to you - I have this stupid fear of jumping off heights... but I love riding my scooter super fast and a little bit recklessly so at least there's that. Being out in nature, with any sort of animals is also awesome. And yeah I used to depend on music A LOT before meds. I miss that... I think the key to having or making more/new friends is simply trying to meet lots of new people and trying to be open with them about yourself. Obviously you can't click with many people but you're bound to make at least one friend. Of course it's easy for me to say this, now that I'm on meds - I used to be petrified of speaking to new people unless I was lucky and in 'the right mood'. I found though that if I felt sad and shitty and didn't try to pretend I felt otherwise then things went ok.
 

llleopard

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11 Signs of Gaslighting in a Relationship
Gaslighting is a manipulation tactic used to gain power. And it works too well.

Gaslighting is a tactic in which a person or entity, in order to gain more power, makes a victim question their reality. It works much better than you may think. Anyone is susceptible to gaslighting, and it is a common technique of abusers, dictators, narcissists, and cult leaders. It is done slowly, so the victim doesn't realize how much they've been brainwashed. For example, in the movie Gaslight (1944), a man manipulates his wife to the point where she thinks she is losing her mind.

People who gaslight typically use the following techniques:

1. They tell blatant lies.

You know it's an outright lie. Yet they are telling you this lie with a straight face. Why are they so blatant? Because they're setting up a precedent. Once they tell you a huge lie, you're not sure if anything they say is true. Keeping you unsteady and off-kilter is the goal.

2. They deny they ever said something, even though you have proof.

You know they said they would do something; you know you heard it. But they out and out deny it. It makes you start questioning your reality—maybe they never said that thing. And the more they do this, the more you question your reality and start accepting theirs.

3. They use what is near and dear to you as ammunition.

They know how important your kids are to you, and they know how important your identity is to you. So those may be one of the first things they attack. If you have kids, they tell you that you should not have had those children. They will tell you'd be a worthy person if only you didn't have a long list of negative traits. They attack the foundation of your being.

4. They wear you down over time.

This is one of the insidious things about gaslighting—it is done gradually, over time. A lie here, a lie there, a snide comment every so often...and then it starts ramping up. Even the brightest, most self-aware people can be sucked into gaslighting—it is that effective. It's the "frog in the frying pan" analogy: The heat is turned up slowly, so the frog never realizes what's happening to it.

5. Their actions do not match their words.

When dealing with a person or entity that gaslights, look at what they are doing rather than what they are saying. What they are saying means nothing; it is just talk. What they are doing is the issue.

6. They throw in positive reinforcement to confuse you.

This person or entity that is cutting you down, telling you that you don't have value, is now praising you for something you did. This adds an additional sense of uneasiness. You think, "Well maybe they aren't so bad." Yes, they are. This is a calculated attempt to keep you off-kilter—and again, to question your reality. Also look at what you were praised for; it is probably something that served the gaslighter.

7. They know confusion weakens people.

Gaslighters know that people like having a sense of stability and normalcy. Their goal is to uproot this and make you constantly question everything. And humans' natural tendency is to look to the person or entity that will help you feel more stable—and that happens to be the gaslighter.

8. They project.

They are a drug user or a cheater, yet they are constantly accusing you of that. This is done so often that you start trying to defend yourself, and are distracted from the gaslighter's own behavior.

9. They try to align people against you.

Gaslighters are masters at manipulating and finding the people they know will stand by them no matter what—and they use these people against you. They will make comments such as, "This person knows that you're not right," or "This person knows you're useless too." Keep in mind it does not mean that these people actually said these things. A gaslighter is a constant liar. When the gaslighter uses this tactic it makes you feel like you don't know who to trust or turn to—and that leads you right back to the gaslighter. And that's exactly what they want: Isolation gives them more control.

10. They tell you or others that you are crazy.

This is one of the most effective tools of the gaslighter, because it's dismissive. The gaslighter knows if they question your sanity, people will not believe you when you tell them the gaslighter is abusive or out-of-control. It's a master technique.

11. They tell you everyone else is a liar.

By telling you that everyone else (your family, the media) is a liar, it again makes you question your reality. You've never known someone with the audacity to do this, so they must be telling the truth, right? No. It's a manipulation technique. It makes people turn to the gaslighter for the "correct" information—which isn't correct information at all.

The more you are aware of these techniques, the quicker you can identify them and avoid falling into the gaslighter's trap.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/here-there-and-everywhere/201701/11-signs-gaslighting-in-relationship
Never heard the term before but it certainly describes my first two husbands! I didn't realise there were so many people who did this that it's a 'thing' !
 

llleopard

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And I just remembered this Christian one, written mostly for daughters of abusive relatives. http://www.luke173ministries.org
It helped me work through the struggle of "but you must forgive ALWAYS... you're supposed to be a Christian".

It is an issue of trust , not unforgiveness. If the other person is unrepentant and it is unsafe to continue interacting with them, it is unwise for the Christian to continue hoping that forgiveness will make the other person change.
Very interesting thank you... I found some useful stuff here, because I have long struggled with the concept of being a Christian and also divorced.
 

JoChris

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Very interesting thank you... I found some useful stuff here, because I have long struggled with the concept of being a Christian and also divorced.
It is hard for Christian women to read specific passages that tell us how things *should* be in marriage.
We need to remember that God is merciful and understands individual circumstances. It would be easier if everything condemned by God (past, present and future) was specifically listed but then the bible would be larger than the internet.
 
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