10 Gaslighting Signs In An Abusive Relationship

Tatilina

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11 Signs of Gaslighting in a Relationship
Gaslighting is a manipulation tactic used to gain power. And it works too well.

Gaslighting is a tactic in which a person or entity, in order to gain more power, makes a victim question their reality. It works much better than you may think. Anyone is susceptible to gaslighting, and it is a common technique of abusers, dictators, narcissists, and cult leaders. It is done slowly, so the victim doesn't realize how much they've been brainwashed. For example, in the movie Gaslight (1944), a man manipulates his wife to the point where she thinks she is losing her mind.

People who gaslight typically use the following techniques:

1. They tell blatant lies.

You know it's an outright lie. Yet they are telling you this lie with a straight face. Why are they so blatant? Because they're setting up a precedent. Once they tell you a huge lie, you're not sure if anything they say is true. Keeping you unsteady and off-kilter is the goal.

2. They deny they ever said something, even though you have proof.

You know they said they would do something; you know you heard it. But they out and out deny it. It makes you start questioning your reality—maybe they never said that thing. And the more they do this, the more you question your reality and start accepting theirs.

3. They use what is near and dear to you as ammunition.

They know how important your kids are to you, and they know how important your identity is to you. So those may be one of the first things they attack. If you have kids, they tell you that you should not have had those children. They will tell you'd be a worthy person if only you didn't have a long list of negative traits. They attack the foundation of your being.

4. They wear you down over time.

This is one of the insidious things about gaslighting—it is done gradually, over time. A lie here, a lie there, a snide comment every so often...and then it starts ramping up. Even the brightest, most self-aware people can be sucked into gaslighting—it is that effective. It's the "frog in the frying pan" analogy: The heat is turned up slowly, so the frog never realizes what's happening to it.

5. Their actions do not match their words.

When dealing with a person or entity that gaslights, look at what they are doing rather than what they are saying. What they are saying means nothing; it is just talk. What they are doing is the issue.

6. They throw in positive reinforcement to confuse you.

This person or entity that is cutting you down, telling you that you don't have value, is now praising you for something you did. This adds an additional sense of uneasiness. You think, "Well maybe they aren't so bad." Yes, they are. This is a calculated attempt to keep you off-kilter—and again, to question your reality. Also look at what you were praised for; it is probably something that served the gaslighter.

7. They know confusion weakens people.

Gaslighters know that people like having a sense of stability and normalcy. Their goal is to uproot this and make you constantly question everything. And humans' natural tendency is to look to the person or entity that will help you feel more stable—and that happens to be the gaslighter.

8. They project.

They are a drug user or a cheater, yet they are constantly accusing you of that. This is done so often that you start trying to defend yourself, and are distracted from the gaslighter's own behavior.

9. They try to align people against you.

Gaslighters are masters at manipulating and finding the people they know will stand by them no matter what—and they use these people against you. They will make comments such as, "This person knows that you're not right," or "This person knows you're useless too." Keep in mind it does not mean that these people actually said these things. A gaslighter is a constant liar. When the gaslighter uses this tactic it makes you feel like you don't know who to trust or turn to—and that leads you right back to the gaslighter. And that's exactly what they want: Isolation gives them more control.

10. They tell you or others that you are crazy.

This is one of the most effective tools of the gaslighter, because it's dismissive. The gaslighter knows if they question your sanity, people will not believe you when you tell them the gaslighter is abusive or out-of-control. It's a master technique.

11. They tell you everyone else is a liar.

By telling you that everyone else (your family, the media) is a liar, it again makes you question your reality. You've never known someone with the audacity to do this, so they must be telling the truth, right? No. It's a manipulation technique. It makes people turn to the gaslighter for the "correct" information—which isn't correct information at all.

The more you are aware of these techniques, the quicker you can identify them and avoid falling into the gaslighter's trap.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/here-there-and-everywhere/201701/11-signs-gaslighting-in-relationship
 

Tatilina

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Are Gaslighters Aware of What They Do?
Do gaslighters know they're manipulative, or do they do it without realizing it?

Since posting my article Gaslighting: Know It to Identify It and Protect Yourself, I’ve received emails asking whether people who gaslight actually know that they are doing it. To review: Gaslighting is a pattern of manipulation tactics used by abusers, narcissists, dictators, and cult leaders to gain control over a person or people. The goal is to make the victim or victims question their own reality and depend on the gaslighter. So, do gaslighters know they're doing it?

It depends on the gaslighter.

Some people or entities that gaslight do, in fact, realize they are doing it: It is a strategy they have studied—and their sources may surprise you. Cult leader Charles Manson read How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie (2010) to learn how to manipulate his followers (Guinn, 2014). Guinn writes that Manson particularly focused on Chapter 7, which included this advice: “Let the other fellow feel that the idea is his." And herein lies one difference between people who pathologically gaslight and the general population—the vast majority of the thousands who have read Carnegie's book have not led lives of violence, abuse, and destruction.

One way to protect yourself from being gaslighted, therefore, is to educate yourself about gaslighters' behaviors. The book 48 Laws of Power (Greene, 2000) details the characteristics and tactics some historical figures have practiced, including steps they have taken to manipulate others. And Robert Cialdini’s Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion (2006) explains through research how easily people can be manipulated.

Some gaslighters may have learned it from others—in many cases, their own parents. If a parent lives with addictionor other mental health issues, gaslighting may be used to manipulate a child into keeping quiet about abuse and/or addiction. Gaslighting may be used by a parent in order to alienate the child from the other parent. For example, in parental alienation, one parent may depict the other as a “deadbeat” and tell a child about the other parent’s “transgressions” in order for the child to align with the “reporting” parent and see him or her as the hero. But in order to look like the hero, the gaslighter must create a distinct enemy. This doesn’t mean that people who are children of gaslighters will adopt gaslighting behavior—for many, in fact, such an upbringing teaches them exactly what not to do when raising their own children.

In the case of a person who has a personality disorder such as antisocial personality disorder, they are born with an insatiable need to control others and a deep-seated anxiety.

Others gaslight in order to feel some sense of control in their own lives by making others depend on them. Gaslighting can also be part of an authoritarian personality. A person with an authoritarian personality tends to think in absolutes: Things are 100 percent right or 100 percent wrong. When a gaslighter thinks that they are not the problem and everyone else is, this is called having an ego-syntonicpersonality. It can be very difficult to get ego-syntonic gaslighters into treatment; they believe nothing is wrong with them. A gaslighting spouse or partner may either refuse to go to therapy, or if they do attend with you, they may tell the therapist that you are the problem. If the therapist recommends that the gaslighter changes a behavior, the gaslighter will label the therapist as incompetent. Even in therapy, a gaslighter may not truly be aware of, or may refuse to acknowledge that their behavior is the problem.

Even if a person is practicing gaslighting behavior without being consciously aware of it, they may get a “payoff” when their victim becomes more dependent on them. And then the cycle continues. The gaslighter also gets a “boost” when there are no checks and balances in place—no one holding them accountable for their behavior. For example, a cult leader may exile or kill anyone who tells others that the leader is not treating followers fairly. Subsequently, further followers may not speak out for fear of their lives. Keep in mind that dependency is one of the goals of gaslighters.

If a gaslighter is not aware of their manipulative behavior, that does not make it acceptable—it is still pathological, and it is still their responsibility. For gaslighters who have read up on this behavior or were taught it, of course, the same rule applies.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/here-there-and-everywhere/201701/are-gaslighters-aware-what-they-do
 

Tatilina

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Yup. Sadly very common in dysfunctional relationships.

I have read a fair bit about Narcissistic Personality Disorder and gaslighting is one of the favourite strategies.
More people need to be aware of it. It's a horrible thing to do someone and it's even worse to take the side of a gaslighter and to feed them.
 

JoChris

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More people need to be aware of it. It's a horrible thing to do someone and it's even worse to take the side of a gaslighter and to feed them.
Gaslighters take advantage of people's tendency to always give the benefit of doubt to other people.
"Why would a partner or parent say such horrible things about their loved one unless it was true?"
 

JoChris

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Oh wow! This has everything, thanks Jo! I hope people go here and read up on the behaviour's listed. This is definitely a treasure!
It certainly helped me get through the shell-shock I experienced after I let my mother stay with me for the very last time. My sister who is a social worker agrees with me that she has many of those characteristics.
 

Tatilina

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My dad has been doing this to my mom for years, always painting himself as the good guy and mom as being crazy, mean while she's the one who looked after us while he was running around with his buddies, partying and what not. It's such a vicious cycle and it sucks even more when you are always caught in the middle of your parents who are trying to win you over and at the same time trying to turn you against the other parent. One main reason I have to keep my distance and not get pulled in, otherwise it can be really exasperating.
 

JoChris

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And I just remembered this Christian one, written mostly for daughters of abusive relatives. http://www.luke173ministries.org
It helped me work through the struggle of "but you must forgive ALWAYS... you're supposed to be a Christian".

It is an issue of trust , not unforgiveness. If the other person is unrepentant and it is unsafe to continue interacting with them, it is unwise for the Christian to continue hoping that forgiveness will make the other person change.
 

JoChris

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My dad has been doing this to my mom for years, always painting himself as the good guy and mom as being crazy, mean while she's the one who looked after us while he was running around with his buddies, partying and what not. It's such a vicious cycle and it sucks even more when you are always caught in the middle of your parents who are trying to win you over and at the same time trying to turn you against the other parent. One main reason I have to keep my distance and not get pulled in, otherwise it can be really exasperating.
My mother did that with my Dad. She didn't do anything easily observable though. She consistently badmouthed about him to us three girls.
 

Tatilina

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My mother did that with my Dad. She didn't do anything easily observable though. She consistently badmouthed about him to us three girls.
Both of my parents are guilty if bad mouthing each other. I really hate it when people take pleasure in talking bad another person. I've come to hate gossiping because of my parents.
 

Tatilina

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Did you often feel torn between the two, understanding both parent's side and knowing neither of them was fully in the right?
I promise I will
Get back to you on this tomorrow. Almost 5 am here. Time for sleep now.
:)
 
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Tatilina

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Did you often feel torn between the two, understanding both parent's side and knowing neither of them was fully in the right?
Yes I have always been torn between the two of them, both of my parents hate each other and harbour deep resentment towards one another for their wrong doings in their relationship. So my mom tries to turn me against my dad and my dad against my mom. All they do is talk about each other, its never ending, and yes they are still married, but they hate each other.
 

mecca

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Yes I have always been torn between the two of them, both of my parents hate each other and harbour deep resentment towards one another for their wrong doings in their relationship. So my mom tries to turn me against my dad and my dad against my mom. All they do is talk about each other, its never ending, and yes they are still married, but they hate each other.
That's sad. :(
 

JoChris

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Yes I have always been torn between the two of them, both of my parents hate each other and harbour deep resentment towards one another for their wrong doings in their relationship. So my mom tries to turn me against my dad and my dad against my mom. All they do is talk about each other, its never ending, and yes they are still married, but they hate each other.
My mother and father separated end of 2002 and were divorced soon after. She and the man she had been cheating on my father with got married 2005 -6(?). Us girls knew about what she had been up to and we were too afraid to tell my father.

Most of the time it was only my mother talking negatively about my father to us girls. A while back when he stayed with me for a visit I told him EVERYTHING and he looked sad and said he had no idea of what she had been putting us through. He wasn't and still isn't a flying monkey. https://pro.psychcentral.com/recovery-expert/2016/07/the-narcissists-flying-monkeys/
 

JoChris

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It is sad, but I keep my distance so that I am not affected by their toxicity. I keep phone calls short too, as soon as they try to steer the conversation that way, I tell them I have to go and get off the phone.
My sister does the same.
I have no problem with my father other than personal irritation. I have not talked to my mother in years. I don't have to see her either as we live in different states. Last time was small talk at my brother's wedding a year ago.
 
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