(I already expanded on it in the sex work thread. Historically women agreed to do a number of chores, notably sexual chores in exchange for financial stability).I have to agree with some of the things you are saying here. I do think marriage and monogamy is more about protecting women from being mistreated economically in a patriarchal society than something that is preferable as a rule.
getting married means that there are financial attachments, which a woman would otherwise depend on if she couldn’t make her own income. That is what happens with polygamous relationships. The more women a man marries, the more likely a women is to be reduced to poverty when a new wife is introduced.
but if men are encouraged to marry someone in a monogamous relationship, a woman is protected from the financial effects multiple partners created for women. We glamorize marriage for women with ideas of Prince Charming, and soul mates, but the reality is that all relationships will run their course at some point and marriage is more about economic protection for women than anything else.
relationships with parents run their course at some point. Close friends from school fall out of touch at some point. A spouse can die and a person can remarry, so there is no such thing as true monogamy through marriage anyways.
The most offensive part of a man having multiple partners is that a woman can’t do the same really. There is nothing wrong with a woman having more than one relationship.
but it will probably take another hundred years of women being able to find financial independence for people to see that a lot of the way we view relationships are because of the way women have been disadvantaged throughout history.
I don’t really think our idea of marriage is something that has any real permanence in the future. What we should focus on more is consent. Like just because someone wants to be with more than partner doesn’t mean that their partner has to give consent for this. I don’t think there is more freedom in relationships outside of marriage. There are still boundaries that are defined by whether the person you are in a relationship with, gives consent for the way you want to approach a relationship.
sexual consent should be the priority because it is where issues like jealousy and other things are going to come in. People struggle with the notion that relationships run their course for some part of their lives. It can be shocking because of where we are in the process of understanding attachments made through sex, but it is a reality.
and this idea that there is some greater degree of permanence that we can force onto our relationships through marriage is a patriarchal notion that is not altogether harmful to women historically because of limited economic options for women. It is just not necessary for a woman to only consider this option when she is given more economic options.
so there is a real argument that women struggle to gain economic opportunities because men lose their advantage over relationships when this happens. Marriage is really a crap institution patriarchal or not when you look at how many people commit adultery.
adultery indicates that a relationship has run its course in some respect, but we force people to ignore this reality as though it were something morally superior rather than a somewhat practical way to create equality between men and women as a result of legitimate hardships that exist in life.
side note: someone might be thinking that what I’m saying is something liberal and influenced by communists. I know this because I have read about the wife swapping in the Soviet Union when I have commented on communism as a detrimental ideology before.
but not every new idea stems from a preexisting ideology. This effort to share wives during communism doesn’t have anything to do with the legitimate economic disadvantages that women have suffered for thousands of years in almost every culture throughout history.
marriage creates a sort of equality, but is the best way to achieve equality? I don’t think it is. I think it is a temporary solution and there is never going to be a better solution until people stop romanticizing marriage as something that is capable of being semi permanent. There are few realities that consistently exist within the romanticized narrative of marriage. it is basically an illusion, but I really think this illusion is of little consequence to a man to change. It essentially doesn’t make anything better or worse for them to change, so it isn’t real for them the same that having the right for women to vote was also a take it or leave it situation.
and I have been married. I have spent a lot of time thinking about marriage and I don’t think I would ever do it again. It seems like something that was part of being younger and adopting an idea that was given to me and preexisting rather than mine to begin with. I get along with the person I was married to and am fully capable of trying to pursue something like this in the future. None of these things would be factors someone could stereotype me with because I have formed this opinion At this point in my life. I’m never going to be some kind of spinster hating men and the idea of marriage because I can’t find a date before anyone tries to come at me with some crap like that.
well I think I have covered most of my bases at this point, so I will stop.
tldr: I don’t give a f*** if this was too long for you. Don’t read it and move on for all I care.
In the past a 16year old girl didn't have any power in ageeing to marry some old creep because it was a question of survival. Now that we have the choice to marry or not there is still stigma attached to not marrying. Especially after a certain age, if you're a woman and unmarried, people consider you a failure.
The reality is a woman's marital status shouldn't define her worth or her entire life. Whether a woman is married, coupled or stays single. But it's a man's world so women are playing by men's rules. we idealize marriage with the idea of prince charming and romance but being married with kids is also considered the be all end all of womanhood. A woman isn't accomplished as long as she doesn't have kids and a husband, even if she's successful and has a great career and doesn't have to rely on a husband's income.
And a woman's worth is also closely tied to her youth and her appearance so if a woman doesn't marry when she's at her physical prime, there is this assumption that men will automatically go for younger women in the dating market and she will be left out. So there is this constant competition btw women and also these harsh standards that are placed onto them so they always feel like they don't have any power. Women can't even voice preferences without getting flak(whether it's money, looks, career, etc). So they marry without thinking about what they really want but more what society expects of them.
I also think the mistake that a lot of women make whent they get into relationships is to think that systems of power aren't going to affect the dynamics of the relationships, even if it's just in small ways. The personal is political (even the so called "male feminist" or liberals can harbor misogyny.)
Men who werent chaste before marriage but want their wife to be chaste, see her as an extension of their ego rather than a whole and complete person. That's also a way minimize risks of her commiting adultery if she has proven she doesn't sleep around and reserve her body for her husband. Make sure she won't embarass them in public and tarnish their reputation. But also to make sure their kids are really theirs. Like I said in another thread, men would gladly reinstate harems if it was possible to be polygamous but also to exert control over women.
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